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John heaved a sigh. “Did she happen to say if she…” John faltered. He couldn’t say the words out loud. She couldn’t have left him. Not for good.
Chris just shrugged. “She talked to Linda the day before they left and just said that she needed the support of her family at the moment. That’s all.”
John nodded.
“Areyouback for good? Or will you run away again?”
John threw him a startled look. “I didn’t run away.”
Chris just raised a brow at him. “You don’t have to lie to me. You know who you are talking to, don’t you? I’ve done worse things than you.”
John let out a bitter laugh. “I doubt it.” He didn’t think Christopher knew exactly what had transpired between Sam and him.
Christopher just regarded him thoughtfully. “So, will you tell me or do I have to ask?”
John walked to a tree nearby, leaned his back against it, and closed his eyes. It felt easier somehow to talk with his eyes closed. Blocking the world out, not seeing the expression on Chris’s face.
“I’ve had this dream,” he started. “It happened over and over again several times since I married. It starts the same way every time. I am back at war. The battle is raging around me. Someone attacks me from behind. I turn and deal the fatal blow. I hold the cold body of a felled enemy in my arms, only it’s not the face of another soldier that I see… It is Sam. Lying on the cold ground, dying because of me.
“It happened exactly the same way. Only that night, it wasn’t just a dream. I woke up to the continuation of this nightmare. I don’t remember how it happened, I don’t remember when the dream blurred into reality, all I remember is my wife’s delicate neck under my hands, her eyes, full of hurt and betrayal staring at me… In horror.” He shook his head. “It’s not something I want to ever see again.”
A lone tear streaked down his cheek, but John didn’t have the strength to wipe it away. “I can’t live knowing that the biggest danger to my wife is me. I can’t in good conscious be next to her, knowing that I might hurt her again.”
Silence greeted his narrative. Chris hadn’t said anything, had offered no platitudes or reassurances, and John was glad for it. He needed to have it off his chest, but now that it was said, he didn’t know what to do next. He opened his eyes and looked at Christopher.
Chris stood nearby, his hand behind his back, a thoughtful expression on his face as he studied the ground under his feet.
“Do you think,” he finally said as he raised his face to John, “that you are the only person who has ever hurt their loved ones by accident? This is not the same, but I’ve accidentally shoved my child away in anger. I was wilder than you when I came back. The guilt that eats at you is worse than anything you can experience. I don’t have an answer for that, because I still haven’t got over the guilt I feel after the things I’ve put my family through. There is one thing I can tell you, though. And that is however bad you feel, no matter how much you hurt and rage, your feelings are not the only ones that matter. How do you think your wife feels every time you run away from an argument? Every time you do something in a temper or on accident and run off, leaving her to pick up the pieces all by herself?”
John shook his head. “She is better off without me.”
“Does she share this sentiment? Because to me, it sounds like a load of self-pity.”
John stared at Chris in thought. “What do you propose I do?”
“I wish I had an easy answer, but I don’t. Something has got to change, though. You can’t go on like you have so far. I know I wouldn’t be able to. And it’s not like you can cut yourself off from the world completely either. What you should know is that your wife is not the only one who can share these burdens with you.”
“I wish I didn’t have to burden her at all.”
“Then don’t. Look around yourself. You’re in a village full of soldiers. We can help each other.” Christopher paused. “And while you heal, may I suggest adjusting your sleeping arrangements?”
John let out nervous laughter, tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away.
“If you want to be a man your wife can rely on, you better start taking responsibility for your actions. Trust me, it is going to be difficult. But every time you feel like running away, how about you amble to my cottage instead?”
John patted Christopher on his shoulder. “Thank you.”
Christopher just shrugged it off. “What are you going to do now?”
“I am going to find my wife and bring her back.”
