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She hung her head and looked at her feet, and the vision of her as a great queen vanished; she was just a hurt woman.
“It was once, and he regretted. But once, as you know, is all it takes to get pregnant.” She nodded to herself, lifting her head back up. “And the maid wanted her own estate and money. Threatened to talk to the press. We were panicking. Eventually, it all got to me. I nearly miscarried. Luckily, I was able to have Eliza without issue. The whole country was celebrating the birth of a new princess. So no one noticed or batted an eye to the sad story of how a palace maid overdosed on drugs in her apartment.”
“Arabella did it?” I whispered.
“The woman is clever,” she whispered back, gritting her teeth. “I wasn’t stupid… The girl had never taken drugs before, and she had a lot to gain from staying away. I…I was so relieved. So ashamed but so relieved. Lionel believed the police on the matter. I wanted to keep my suspicions to myself. But she was just in the palace, and I was scared for myself and the boys. So I told Lionel. He didn’t believe me. It was a massive fight, and so then I had to prove it to him, show him who his mother really was… He forgave her. We could do nothing else but send her to Donaè. She could only come when we invited her. Which was rare. Lionel…was heartbroken by that, too.”
This whole time a small part of me had been jealous of Gale, of his perfect family with his loving father and mother happily married. I knew people pointed at the chaos that was my family and laughed and made jokes. I had seen it all my life. I loved my mother, but I was a little embarrassed by my family. All of our dirt all over the world…these people…these people brought out the American in me. Made me want to join the French and say, Viva la revolución!
“There is a part of Lionel that has always resented me for exposing that truth to him. Forcing him to choose between what was right, which would have been to have her arrested and the monarchy…his family, himself. He felt like a villain all his reign. He worked himself over and over and to the ground, to be good to make up for it. The greatest blessing of him forgetting things is he’s seemed to have finally forgotten that one mistake.”
Covering up a murder.
That was the mistake she’s talking about.
“Elspeth…I can’t keep this secret.”
“Think of what happens when you don’t. Think of Gale,” she replied. “So many people are looking for an excuse to tear down this palace, to tear us all down, all the time. Digging up truths will do that, now more than ever.”
“I need to go,” I said to her, grabbing the doorknob quickly.
“Odette!”
I ignored her, walking as fast as I could without running. This was insanity. This was wrong! It was a nightmare. I needed to find Gale. And I knew there would only be one place he could be. Rushing down the stairs, I didn’t even bother paying attention to the help. I didn’t care what anyone had to say. I needed to tell Gale. He needed to know the truth.
“Ma’am—” Iskandar started to say to me, but I brushed past him, opening the door to Gale’s study.
“Gale!” I frantically looked for him.
“Odette?” He sat on the floor beside his desk, a glass of brandy in his hand. His eyes…like a hurt puppy.
“Gale?” I questioned, going to him.
“Sorry, I don’t have the energy to get up right now,” he muttered and brought his glass to his lips. “It’s been a hard day.”
Sinking down in front of him, I brushed the hair from his face. “I wanted to talk to you, but you’re drunk.”
“Not there yet.” He kissed the side of my hand. “Don’t be mad at me, okay? But I have to say it…I feel very bad about her death.”
He sucked his teeth and looked away, drinking again. “It’s not your fault—”
“But it is!” he exclaimed. “I’m the one who ordered the press campaign against her. I’m the one who made sure to slander her all over the country. The one who got every person who knew her to basically turn on her, and they did. Because she was so tough, because she always acted like it didn’t bother her, Sabina rarely showed her pain to people. She dealt with it with vodka. She could drink a whole bottle straight when she was very upset. And because she was arrogant, she always thought she could drink and be fine. She was probably on her way to get another bottle… In the past, someone was always with her to stop her. But because…because of the war between us, she was alone and died alone painfully. How do I handle that on my conscience?”
I just stared at him. If he couldn’t handle the event the way he thought it happened…then how could he handle anything I’d just learned?
“I’m sorry,” he said again, touching my cheek. “I promise I didn’t love her. I just feel like a shitty person for the way I treated her and how she ended up because of me.”
Wrapping my arms around him, I realized I couldn’t tell him. “It’s not your fault…it was an accident. It was all an accident. You can’t blame yourself for it.”
We agreed on no big secrets from each other, and here I was, keeping the biggest of them all. I’d gone from the heroine of a fairy tale…to the evil queen.
I was afraid of what that meant for our future going forward. But I was more afraid of what the truth would do to him now.
Letting go of him, I kissed the side of his head.
“Stop drinking.” I took the glass from him, getting up off the ground. I put it on his desk before outstretching my arms to him. “You need a hot bath. I’ll join you this time.”
“And risk your hair?” He chuckled, getting up. “I must look very pitiful then.”
