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‘But I don’t,’ Robin blurted. His heart beat very quickly, but it was too late now to hold his silence. He had to say it all at once; he couldn’t keep biting down on his words forever. ‘I don’t trust you. You’re getting messy.’
Griffin’s brows shot up. ‘Messy?’
‘You don’t show up for weeks, and when you do you’re late half the time; your instructions are all scratched out and revised so many times that it takes skill, really, to decipher what they say. Babel’s security has nearly tripled, but you don’t seem interested in working out how to deal with it. And you still haven’t explained what happened last time, or what your new workaround for the wards is. I was shot in the arm and you don’t seem to care—’
‘I said I’m sorry about that,’ Griffin said wearily. ‘Won’t happen again.’
‘But why should I believe you?’
‘Because this one’s important.’ Griffin leaned forward. ‘This could change everything, could shift the balance—’
‘Tell me how, then. Tell me more. This doesn’t work when you always keep me in the dark.’
‘Look, I told you about St Aldate’s, didn’t I?’ Griffin looked frustrated. ‘You know I can’t say more. You’re still too new, you don’t understand the risks—’
‘The risks? I’m the one taking risks, I’m putting my entire future on the line—’
‘Funny,’ said Griffin. ‘And here I thought the Hermes Society was your future.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Yes, it’s quite clear.’ Griffin’s lip curled. He looked very much like their father just then. ‘You have such a great fear of freedom, brother. It’s shackling you. You’ve identified so hard with the colonizer, you think any threat to them is a threat to you. When are you going to realize you can’t be one of them?’
‘Stop deflecting,’ said Robin. ‘You always deflect. When I say my future, I don’t mean a cushy post. I mean survival. So tell me why this matters. Why now? Why this one?’
‘Robin—’
‘You are asking me to put my life on the line for the invisible,’ Robin snapped. ‘And I’m just asking you to give me a reason.’
Griffin was silent for a moment. He glanced round the room, tapping his fingers against the table, and then said in a very low voice, ‘Afghanistan.’
‘What’s going on in Afghanistan?’
‘Don’t you read the news? The British are going to pull Afghanistan into their sphere of influence. But there are plans in motion to make sure that doesn’t happen – and that I really can’t tell you about, brother—’
But Robin was laughing. ‘Afghanistan? Really?’
‘Is this funny?’ asked Griffin.
‘You’re all talk,’ Robin said, amazed. Something in his mind shattered then – the illusion that he ought to admire Griffin, that Hermes mattered at all. ‘It makes you feel important, doesn’t it? Acting like you’ve got some leverage over the world? I’ve seen the men who really pull the levers, and they’re nothing like you. They don’t have to scramble for power. They don’t organize silly midnight heists and put their kid brothers in jeopardy in some wild attempt to obtain it. They’ve already got it.’
Griffin’s eyes narrowed. ‘What does that mean?’
‘What do you do?’ Robin demanded. ‘Really, Griffin, what on earth have you ever done? The Empire’s still standing. Babel’s still there. The sun rises, and Britain’s still got her claws everywhere in the world, and silver keeps flowing in without end. None of this matters.’
‘Tell me you don’t really think that.’
‘No, I just—’ Robin felt a sharp twinge of guilt. He’d spoken too harshly perhaps, but his point, he thought, was fair. ‘I just can’t see what any of this achieves. And you’re asking me to give up so much in return. I want to help you, Griffin. But I also want to survive.’
Griffin did not respond for a long while. Robin sat watching him, growing increasingly uncomfortable as he calmly finished the last of his shepherd’s pie. Then he set down his fork and meticulously wiped his mouth with a napkin.
‘You know the funny thing about Afghanistan?’ Griffin’s voice was very soft. ‘The British aren’t going to invade with English troops. They’re going to invade with troops from Bengal and Bombay. They’re going to have sepoys fight the Afghans, just like they had sepoys fight and die for them at Irrawaddy, because those Indian troops have the same logic you do, which is that it’s better to be a servant of the Empire, brutal coercion and all, than to resist. Because it’s safe. Because it’s stable, because it lets them survive. And that’s how they win, brother. They pit us against each other. They tear us apart.’
‘I’m not out for good,’ Robin said hastily. ‘I just – I mean, just until this year is over, or until things have blown over—’
‘That’s not how this works,’ said Griffin. ‘You’re in or you’re not. Afghanistan isn’t waiting.’
Robin drew in a shaky breath. ‘Then I’m out.’
‘Very well.’ Griffin dropped his napkin and stood up. ‘Only keep your mouth shut, will you? Otherwise I’ll have to come and tie up loose ends, and I don’t like to be messy.’
‘I won’t tell a soul. You have my word—’
‘I don’t really care about your word,’ said Griffin. ‘But I do know where you sleep.’
There was nothing Robin could say to that. He knew Griffin was not bluffing, but also that if Griffin really did not trust him, he would not make it back to the college alive. They watched each other for a long time, unspeaking.
At last, Griffin shook his head and said, ‘You’re lost, brother. You’re a ship adrift, searching for familiar shores. I understand what it is you want. I sought it too. But there is no homeland. It’s gone.’ He paused beside Robin on his way to the door. His fingers landed on Robin’s shoulder, squeezed so hard they hurt. ‘But realize this, brother. You fly no one’s flag. You’re free to seek your own harbour. And you can do so much more than tread water.’
