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I hadn’t meant to keep it, but after a time, it became second nature not to talk about some things. I only knew her address after the program had stopped, and we sent letters to one another for another year before switching to email. Occasionally, I would still send her things in the mail, but I’d use my old address. I knew it was deceitful, but it was nice not feeling pressured to disclose everything to someone unless I wanted to.
Everything with Nox had been easy. I shared more with her, and even Fish at times, than I’d told anyone in my life. I didn’t want to lose that by meeting. The mystery would be gone, the facade broken, and I’d lose my best friend and confidant. There was no denying she was my best friend. You couldn’t share everything that mattered with a person and not grow close to them.
The thing I wanted to deny was that I was in love with her. Because how could you be in love with someone you’ve never met? Someone you’ve never even heard the voice of but whose song was the lyrics in your heart?
But did you need to when you knew the outline of their soul? The way their words brushed against your mind like a lover’s caress, or how they seemed to be the needle, threading your heart to theirs.
I’d never thought of myself as a romantic, but when I faced it, Nox and I had been writing love letters for years. It was an age-old tale, a long-distance romance, one found between the pages of scribbles of ink leaving smudges on my heart.
I’d tried dating in the beginning. I’d even tried just casual fucking. But no one ever measured up to the girl who owned my soul. Her words were rooted in me, a layer on my skin, our story told forever in ink. I’d just been too scared, or naive, to admit it.
She’d dated too, and while I denied how it felt every time she told me, that spark of jealousy flaring in me each time, I pretended it didn’t. The relief I felt when they never panned out, I ignored as well. I was lying to myself, but it felt safer at the time.
Somewhere over the years, the truth between the lies had gotten so twisted, and I found myself wrapped up in two people. I’d never been ready to make a choice, knowing I’d hurt someone and lose part of me in the process.
It was almost losing her that finally pushed me to take the step. Walking out the door, my heart was happy as I headed to Layla’s to meet my girl, my Starry Nox.
The sun blinded me, the pounding in my head a reminder of the ache I felt in my chest. It felt deserved. I rolled over, sitting on the edge of the bed as I tried to get the ringing in my ears to stop. Why were they ringing, anyway?
“Here.”
A hand thrust a glass of water at me, the voice tired and frustrated. I knew it was Thane before I even saw his perfectly polished shoes. Lifting my head, I squinted as I tried to make him come into focus. When I could make out his shape, I reached out to take the glass. The coldness of it comforted me as I grasped onto it.
Bringing it to my lips, the cold liquid felt nice as it slid down my throat. Coughing, I drew back, having tried to drown myself in the liquid too quickly. Wiping my mouth, I took in my brother now that my eyes had focused on the room.
“What’s your problem?”
I didn’t mean to sneer, it seemed to naturally come out anytime I spoke nowadays, and Thane had become an easy target. He exhaled, hanging his head before taking a seat next to me. His dress pants were wrinkle-free, his shirt crisp as he sat down.
Thane was the complete opposite of me. He was clean-cut, all-American, with his dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, and I was as bad boy as you got. I was covered almost entirely from head to toe in tattoos, had a handful of piercings, and a scowl to make anyone’s grandmother cry. My black hair and dark eyes made me appear like a dark horse, and I used them to my advantage.
We were fraternal twins, but most wouldn’t even paint us as brothers. There had been a time when we were more alike, but like most things in high school, that had changed as well. After one too many moves, I gave up trying to be likable and succumbed to the shadows his golden light had cast, the obscurity a blanket for my insecurities.
“What are you doing to yourself, Slade?”
“Why do you care?”
“Despite your belief, I care about you a great deal. You’re my brother, my twin. I thought we’d gotten past this mistrust, and we’re friends, now?”
“Pfft, well, unless you can erase time, I don’t see that happening.”
Thane exhaled, something he did around me a lot. “I’m sorry, Slade. I screwed up, and the things that happened that night… Well, it sucked. No one denies that, but you can’t let it eat away at everything in your life.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You weren’t there, you don’t have to live with the guilt.”
“No… I wasn’t,” he paused, and for the first time, I noticed his own remorse, but he shoved it away, continuing his good guy routine. “It doesn’t mean I don't think about it. But you can’t live your life in the past. Not if you want anything in your future. You gotta stop chasing ghosts and let that shit go.”
Gritting my teeth, my knuckles strained on the glass in my hand as I tried to calm my heart. He had no right to tell me how to feel. He wasn’t there. He didn’t know what really happened, only the version I’d told him. The guilt of that one moment haunted me, and I didn’t know if I would ever forgive myself. How could you when you were responsible for stopping your own happiness and the demise of someone else's?
“I don’t need any of your positive juju.”
“Yeah, what fun would it be to believe in good things? It’d totally wreck the whole bad boy vibe you’ve perfected.”
Laughing, I tilted my head and peeked up at my brother. “I like it when you drop the good guy routine.”
“No, you just like it when I give you shit, so then it doesn’t make you feel like such an asshole to me.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged.
