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“What… what do you mean?”
“The man that was killed…” he stopped, swallowing, tears falling down his face.
“Yeah, I uh, saw that on the news. A police officer on the scene, right?”
He nodded, collecting himself. “He wasn’t just any police officer. He was her boyfriend.”
The knowledge knocked into me like a blow. I blinked at Lennox’s father as a tidal wave of grief cascaded down on me. Fuck. I hadn’t wanted this.
“What happened?”
“All I know right now is there was a wreck, and when Lennox was being loaded into the ambulance, Duncan had walked back to possibly help on the scene, I’m not really sure. But he was walking backwards, and that was when the car jumped the divide, striking him. The paramedic said Lennox watched the whole thing, and they had to give her a sedative to calm down. The car sped off, didn’t stop at all, and was found abandoned a few miles down the road set on fire.”
“Shit, that’s… “
Thane’s messages flicked across my mind as things began to connect, reminding me how nothing good ever lasted in my life.
Thane: I’m sorry, I didn’t know she was Nox. I promise I haven’t gone behind your back.
Thane: I’ll fix this. I’ll make it up to you. Don’t shut me out again. Please, Slade.
Thane: I’m doing something crazy, but I think you’ll thank me in the morning.
Thane: I’m sorry. *News Link*
Nervously, I thanked Mr. James for the information, saying I hoped Lennox recovered okay, and handed him the card. I walked out of the hospital on shaky legs, and drove back to the apartment. I never asked Thane what he was sorry about, tucking it away into the far recesses of my mind.
PRESENT
The memoryof everything that had occurred the entirety of that evening and Thane’s texts had me wondering what he’d been sorry about. Had I read his messages incorrectly this whole time? What if he’d been sorry, because he was the one who’d been driving?Shit. The small percent of doubt I’d tried to quell, fought to rise up again.
Swallowing, I pushed the thoughts out of my head, not ready to face those without talking to him first. Plus, I didn’t want to focus on them now when things were headed in the direction I wanted. I wouldn’t distrust my brother until I knew.
Focusing on the present, I decided to go back to my roots. Now that the lies had been shed, and the pain had lifted, I could allow myself to admit the truth; the one I hadn’t wanted to share with Lennox when she asked, not entirely anyway. Yet, I needed to show her how I felt and to do that, I needed to remind her who Nox and Blaze were to one another.
Pulling out my notebook, I wrote a letter, something I hadn’t done in years, but as I sat there, pouring out my heart, it came back to me quickly. I’d initially won her trust and love with my scribbles and ink confessions, and I’d do it again, no longer hiding behind the smudged lines of fear. This was the way to win her back. I knew it.
* * *
Simon pokedhis head into my room, a curious look on his face as he noticed the guitar in my lap. He seemed content to watch me, so I kept playing, working out the last chords for the song I’d been working on. Once I’d scrawled down the words on my heart, creativity filled me again. Letters and music had always been connected to Nox; how I hadn’t noticed it until now only proved how shielded I’d been to accepting her influence in my life. I hadn’t wanted to admit it, but Lennox was my muse. She was my sunshine, and without her, life had become bleak, a dark shadow cast over me, hindering my ability to see what was in front of me.
I punished myself every day for the outcome of that night, for not letting go of my own anger and helping out someone who was intoxicated and in need of assistance. Lennox had connected with me before I even knew who she was, andI liked her.That alone should have meant something to me. I never liked anyone.
I became consumed with the what ifs and guilt of not doing more to stop the events that unfolded. What if I had tried harder and had put aside the pain? Maybe then, Duncan would still be alive. The part I didn’t like to admit was how it made it easier for me, and the shame of that knowledge was what spurred me to punish myself day in and day out with her presence as a reminder of my own happiness at her pain. Anger and doubt had clouded my judgment, and I excused it because I was hurt.
I hadn’t known Duncan, and while I hadn’t wanted her to be in a relationship with someone else, it didn’t mean I wanted him to die either,especiallythe way he had. The thing that kept me up at night, the piece that let me punish myself just to be around her, and would go out of my way to make sure she was always safe, was I never wanted her to have to experience anything else so tragic. If I could give her a moment, a second, where she wasn’t thinking about him, then I would. Even if that meant she was sassing off to me, or angry with my commands.
I’d watch her, and I’d see her smile slip, something reminding her of what she’d lost, and I’d feel guilty all over again. Of course, I was an asshole, so I took it out on her for making me still care, lying to myself. I never said I was perfect, but I did try to make her life better in the ways I could.
I’d finalized the shop plans for Bowling Green, helping to relieve some of my guilt. I’d stayed in touch with her dad in the guise I was concerned about her. He gave me brief updates, and when I told him I was moving there and opening a shop, I asked him to keep our meeting private, not wanting her to think the job offer was charity. Yet, she walked in, acting like she hadn’t known me, and all the guilt turned to hatred. Eddy, her father, told me it was to be expected, the trauma of the event blocking her from remembering.
I wanted to believe him, but when I found her watching me at times, I felt that same connection and didn’t know how she didn’t. It could only mean she was lying to my face, pretending she didn’t know. Eddy and Simon both felt I was wrong over the years when they put the pieces together. They urged me to talk to her, but I was too scared to learn if I’d been wrong all those years. They’d respected my wishes to keep it between us, though they never agreed with my choice. It was another choice to add to my regret column.
“What’s up?” I asked, laying the guitar down once I’d finished.
“Just wanted to see if you’d heard from Thane?”
Shaking my head, I stood up and rechecked my phone, but there still weren’t any messages. “He sent one saying his battery was dead that I’d missed, but nothing else. Fuck. What if I’m wrong, Si? I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought we were past this. I mean, at one time, I wouldn’t have blinked an eyelash considering that he’d done it. But I didn’t think he’d betray me again, not after rebuilding our relationship over the past five years. We’re almost back to where we were as kids. We’ve been supportive of one another and communicating. I mean, I’m still an ass to him, but that’s just me, and I hate to doubt him now.”
