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“Well, hello, tum tum.” I giggled, looking down at the offending noise. “So, what? Y’all are friends who make breakfast together?”
Simon turned and observed Zane before glancing back at me, shrugging. “Yeah, I guess you could say we are, Lemon Drop.”
His teasing didn’t go unnoticed, but it helped break whatever sadness lingered around Zane as he sauntered over and leaned on Simon’s shoulder.
“Ooo, Lemon Drop. I need a cutesy name for you. I can’t be left out now. Hmm, what about pumpkin?”
Scrunching up my nose, I shook my head as Simon laughed. “Ew, no. My dad calls me that.”
This, of course, started a rapid firing of ideas from the two of them.
“Sugar puss?”
“Skittles?”
“Berry sweet?”
“Oh, I know! Oranges! She’s already peaches and lemons, might as well join the family with oranges!” Simon offered, barely able to get it out before he was bending over, laughing hysterically at himself.
Crossing my arms, I rolled my eyes as I walked over to the fridge, looking for something to drink. The cool air felt nice, helping to stop the blush from rising. Grabbing a soda can, I smiled inwardly that Si had gotten my favorite—Diet Sunkist. Popping the tab, I looked between the two, ignoring I was about to drink an orange soda after Simon’s joke.
“I don’t know how I feel about y’all becoming chummy.”
“Too bad. You don’t get a say Lemon Drop.” Simon’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him as I snuggled close.
“I don’t think I’m supposed to be forgiving you yet.”
“You can hate me all you want, babe, but you’ll forgive me. I’ve missed you and don’t want to lose any more time with you, so I’m not going anywhere.”
“We need to talk about stuff, though, Si,” I protested weakly.
“Okay, done. Let’s go talk. Thane, you got the rest of breakfast?”
“Yeah, man. I’m good. It’ll be ready in a little bit.”
“All right, cool.” Simon pulled me out of the room, directing me to a living room area. I started biting my lip, uncertainty coursing through me now we were here, about to have this conversation.
“Maybe we should wait.”
“Nope, we’re gonna do it now.” He stopped once we were in the room, facing me. Simon gave me a serious look as he regarded me. “Tell me what’s bothering you, Lenn. What’s holding you up? Or maybe, holding you back?”
“I just… I guess, first I’m upset with you for keeping the fact you wrote to Blaze from me. And second, that you knew Slade was Blaze. On top of that, you then dated him behind my back.” I paused, knowing I needed to get the rest out, but scared of what it might mean. Simon, being my best friend, waited, knowing I wasn’t finished. “If I hadn’t walked in when I did… what would’ve happened? Were youcheatingon me? Do you want to be with him more than me? I mean, we hadn’t had an exclusive conversation, but I thought it was understood, and—“
I’d started to ramble at the end, talking a mile a minute, needing to get the words out before I chickened out. Once they’d started, they kept coming, and it took Simon grabbing me and leading me toward the couch before my word vomit stopped.
“Lenn, take a deep breath.” Nodding, I breathed with Simon until my breaths slowed and my heart wasn’t racing. He kept hold of my hands, squeezing them.
“I have nothing to say about my behavior and why I didn’t tell you. Nothing at least that would make it okay,” he sighed. “Believe it or not, I went to see a therapist when you left, and I realized I’m a sabotager. When things are good, I freak out and screw them up. Your friendship was the only relationship I hadn’t managed to undermine. When I finally had everything I wanted… it scared me, and I couldn’t admit there was a small part of me that couldn’t let the idea of him go, either. I’m sorry it hurt you in the process. It took losing you to figure out my destructive patterns in relationships and how I didn’t believe I deserved you for keeping so many things hidden.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me, Si? I thought we told each other everything? I would’ve understood or helped you figure it out.”
“I’m sorry, Lenn. I did everything wrong. I let fear consume me, and I thought having you as a friend was better than not having you at all, but it tore me up, and I became a version of myself I didn’t recognize. I’m not proud to admit I kept writing to Blaze, and hid it, because I liked having something secret. He was a safe place to figure out my conflicting emotions. But one secret became two, and then more. I was carrying so many it was hard to look at you. After Duncan, I couldn’t take the guilt of it all.”
“What did you feel guilty about with Duncan? He was your friend too.”
“Because maybe if I’d been honest with you, then we would’ve been together at the restaurant when you got the message. We could’ve commiserated together or just gone home, but my betrayal, on top of Blaze’s words, sent you running away. If you weren’t avoiding me, if I’d kept better watch over you, then maybe nothing else would’ve happened. You wouldn’t have been drugged, and Duncan would still be alive.”
Tears rolled down his face, and I found myself shaking my head violently to and fro, tears streaming down mine as well. “No, Simon. No. It’s not your fault, just as it’s not Slade’s, or even mine. We all could’ve made better choices, but none of us are to blame for his death. Do you hear me?You’re not to blame for that.”
