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Eight
CAMILA
Hangingup the phone with Loren, I felt a little better, but my spirit still felt defeated. Sighing, I stood, needing to walk. Now that I wasn’t confined to one room, the need to constantly move was paramount.
Walking into the kitchen, I found Nat’s mom at the stove. “Mama Hart! What are you making today?” I leaned against the counter, my natural instinct to jump up thwarted by the reminder my arms were too weak as I tried to press up, and they wobbled. Pulling them around me, I folded them over my chest like I’d meant to do that all along.
“Camila, dear,” she said happily. “I’m making Miso Caramel-Apple Danishes. Wanna help?”
“Oh yes!” She nodded toward an apron on the counter, and I grabbed it, tying it around me. The missing finger made it difficult to pull the strings, but I was learning to accommodate. I wouldn’t let losing a finger stop me.
She handed me a spoon and pointed to the pan on the stove. Taking it, I began to stir, the movement relaxing in a way.
“So, what’s on your mind, Stellina?” she asked, and I smiled at the sweet term of endearment she’d bestowed on me years ago.
“What makes you think I’ve got something on my mind?” I asked as I continued to sift the mixture.
She gave me a look, raising an eyebrow, and I knew I couldn’t lie to her. Chuckling, my shoulders sagged. “I know I need to speak with Lark and Seb, that I need to make things right with them, but each time I go to pick up that phone, an overwhelming sense of fear overtakes me, and I put it back down.”
“Hmm.” She didn’t say anything else as she cut the dough into triangles.
“That’s all?Hmm.”
“Yes, Stellina. You know the answer and don’t need an old woman telling you what to do.”
“I think I’d like to hear it, though.”
She smiled, still rolling the dough to perfection. “Very well.” She stopped, turning to look at me fully. “The Camila I know wouldn’t let something as insignificant asfearstop her from doing what was right. You love these two, yes?”
I nodded, stirring as I did.
“And they love you?”
I swallowed, but nodded. “I believe so. At least they did before I hurt them.”
“If you were in their shoes and one of them had left. What would you do if they called and said they were wrong, that they missed you, and would do anything to be forgiven?”
“I’d tell them they were stupid because the only thing I needed to hear was that they were sorry and loved me too. But, this is a bit different.”
“Is it? Or are you just making it that way to keep yourself locked in this place of fear?”
“Why would I do that? I don’t want to be scared.”
“No, but you’ve gotten comfortable feeling the fear now. You’re familiar with how it feels, along with regret. The good feelings are foreign to you. Hope pushed you to keep fighting, but now that you’re safe, it feels scarier.” She grasped my hand, looking me in the eyes. “Did you know that I stayed married to a man I despised for years because I convinced myself it was the best I could do? That it was better than being alone?”
“You? But, you seem so self-assured and confident. You’re perfect in your role at the diner and bakery, and as a grandmother. I couldn’t imagine you not being who you are.”
“And that’s the drawback of fear. It holds us captive in complacency. You, my dear, are anything but complacent. You’ve been knocked over a little bit, but it’s not your final resting spot.”
“So, I just need to boss up?” I asked, smiling at her.
She shrugged, going back to her dough rolling. “The choice is yours, but that’s what makes it beautiful. Your mom, she’d want you to remember the fierce daughter she raised, even if you don’t feel that fierceness right now.”
Nodding, I turned back to the stove, wanting to hide the tears. I’d tried to not think of Mama’s death, of what she’d think in this situation, afraid she’d be disappointed in me. Perhaps, that was where my fear really lay. I knew Seb and Lark would forgive me if I brought it up, but I was actually worried whether I could forgive myself for letting my mom down.
“Mamaw, is it time yet?” Lily asked, zooming into the kitchen.
“Almost, squirt. You should help your Aunt Cami finish it off,” Mama Hart said.
