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“Elijah, this isn’t funny. Johnny, tell them!” she screamed at him as the tears bubbled in her eyes with anger, but never spilled over upon catching her brother’s eye.
I delivered the most devastating news any child could hear. I saw the moment I broke her heart.
She lashed out, thinking it was all a sick joke until she saw the liaison officer. The harsh reality hit her hard as her eyes shuttered, hiding her emotions.
Acceptance took time and the tears flowed between them both.
I felt like the worst person in the world. For the first time in a long time, I felt left out. Almost like they had cast me away to one side from the unfolding situation. Their grief was shared privately between them in that moment and I knew I shouldn’t feel so useless, but the pain was just as devastating for me. Though I could never tell them that. I just had to deal with it in my own way.
Alone.
One
Harlow
When I turned twenty,I thought all my dreams had come true. The last five years had been a pretty rough ride at times. If I were truthful, I would have said Johnny had performed miracles to get me to adulthood in one piece. Not many people could’ve said they’d become a legal guardian of their little sister in their early twenties. Even with the age gap, it was a huge task to have expected him to have taken me on. It was one that many would’ve ran and hid from, but he didn’t. He stood proud.
I wasn’t thrilled at the idea when it was first suggested, but what other options did I have? Newton Carr Academy and the picturesque coast were the two places I couldn’t leave behind. I wanted that stability it provided. At least Johnny offered me a solution moving forward with my life. I’d have been crazy to deny it. At fifteen, and as a minor, my options were limited. With the support of social services, it made sense. I kept what I knew without more disruption to my already fragile life. It didn’t mean though I was an angel, actually I was the total opposite. I was a total grade A bitch, battling my inner demons and grief before I let my brother deal with the aftermath.
I struggled, fighting all of the jumbled emotions threatening to escape through any means necessary. With the next explosion imminent, I battled to contain the fury in myself as Johnny just wished there was a way he could help me but he couldn’t; no one could. Add in a healthy amount of teenage hormones and it was a recipe for disaster.
It seemed worse when Johnny and Elijah never gave me the space I so desperately craved. They thought the best remedy was for me to have someone with me constantly.
In hindsight, their theory was that if I never stopped to process all the information, then I wouldn’t have time to deal with the turmoil.
In my mind, they were wrong. They weren’t living in my shoes. It meant the emotions plagued my night-time thoughts, which turned into nightmares and panic attacks leaving me totally exhausted.
I struggled to decipher what was real life and what was a figment of my imagination. It left me with a fear of the dark and long-lasting nightmares. Something I couldn’t escape from in the depths of the night no matter what solutions I tried.
Johnny had become my protector, ensuring I pushed to overcome my emotions. I did my best, but it wasn’t good enough. At least I’d learnt a way to manage them. I was embarrassed, but thankfully he promised to keep the nightmares between us. I was glad he respected my choice, even if he didn’t agree.
The first few months I was rebellious. I had developed a necessity to act out; the complete opposite of what my parents saw in me. I knew if they could see me now, they would be disappointed in me as I pushed the limits of what they would have turned a blind eye to, but I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to breathe. Escape and be free.
“Where are you going to?” Johnny shouted as I tried sneaking out of the house just after nine at night.
“Out!” I replied, shrugging my shoulders as I flicked my perfectly straightened dark hair over my shoulder. With a glance of my heavy layered make up in the mirror I blew a kiss in his direction and opened the door.
“Har… Johnny asked you a question. Just answer it,” Elijah said appearing from behind the door, holding onto its part-opened position.
“It’s nothing to do with you!” I yelled back, sliding between the narrow opening, and running up the path.
“Har… HARLOW!”
I went to find the guys at the abandoned cave on the beach. I should’ve been bothered that I had caused them undue stress, but I wasn’t. I just craved the heavy weighted feeling to lift and to be a normal teenager for a night.
My new obsessions–boys and late nights–drove Johnny and Elijah mad. They wanted to know where I had been. I wasn’t about to divulge my secret hideouts to them. I hadn’t cared, and to be honest, it had given me an opportunity to numb the pain. To not be the pitied orphan and just be me for once.
I was running from the feelings that had started developing in my gut that I couldn’t explain. Ones I didn’t want to own up to whenever Elijah was around.
Freedom was all I craved. To have an opportunity to prove I was capable of looking after myself; just like my mother and father had always pushed for me to do. I just needed to bide my time. I realised that making the plan was the easy part. If I ploughed through to achieve my goals, then I could bask in the glory of how hard I had worked for it.
My head was constantly within my books. I revised at every given moment to get my grades up, hoping it would lead to something positive; an achievement of how far I had come in life. A merit to show to others of what you can do even when life is hard. I had planned to go to college, but things change, people change. It just meant I decided a re-evaluation of my goals was more important. The dream could still be a reality but when was another question entirely. I had to break free and prove that I wasn’t reliant on Elijah and Johnny.
It was time I left my escapades in the past, laid down my roots and started my life. Life could have started again anywhere to be honest, but I wanted to be as far away as possible from those whitewashed buildings, the harbour and the memories that consumed my mind. A place where I could be me, unknown for being the orphan and looks of sympathy.
I wanted that fresh start. Location wasn’t a factor that was high on the list as long as it was far away from Eastward.
“Johnny, have you got a minute to talk?” I asked him on a rare night Elijah wasn’t around. It was the perfect opportunity; just the two of us. I had wondered if it was a selfish decision, but the time felt right. A chance for us to talk without feeling constantly observed or overlooked by anyone else.Time to breathe.
