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“Harlow, let me in!” Johnny pleaded as I placed my hands over my ears and hummed loudly to drown out the noise whilst I closed my eyes, too. I was alone and the person I desperately wanted, I couldn’t have, as the thump of what I assumed was Johnny’s body fell to the opposite side, listening to me.
“Please, Harlow, anything but this.”
His words were muffled over the flying nightmares of my past. That dreaded recapped day of losing my parents to the fast-forward of the present. The psychological effects overwhelmed my emotions still whilst managing to terrorise my mind, even years after losing my parents. I just hadn’t shifted this all-consuming fear. Solace wasn’t easy to find. I couldn’t bear to think of Elijah’s panic at that moment, especially after his reaction to my first episode with him.
All I could do was ride the terror until the lights came back on and gave me the support I needed. Until then, the tears and warmth of my own body was all the sensation I could muster. Johnny had hurt me. Elijah wasn’t here. It was just me. I tried to focus on the sound of the clock ticking, by hoping that whatever the issue was, it would soon be fixed, as the next sound hit my ears, but it never seemed to happen. I lost track of the time as my body trembled with the fear. My clothes and hair were soaked in sweat at the recurrent images and thoughts, the lights started to flicker, and my heart sped up a beat. Johnny, I knew, was still directly behind me, even with a door separating us. Our bond was strong. I was just thankful he didn’t overstep the mark and left me alone when I refused him.
I grabbed my phone and plugged it in, as all the lights turned on indicating it was charging. My breathing started to become shallow and more regular but even though the tears had stopped, the numbness hadn’t. I had to get a drink to rehydrate myself, after crying so much but that meant facing Johnny. I wasn’t going to try to look any better, once I had escaped those four walls. I knew I should have a hot shower and then my ingrained ritual, but first, I needed time. The moment my fingers clasped the cool door handle I steadied myself before I opened the door, and found Johnny stood speechless. It was as if he’d sensed I was about to have opened the door, a sibling ingrained link we shared.
My words were curt and harsh. “Just don’t say anything,” I said as I stormed past him, catching sight of my red, puffy, sweaty face.
I went down the stairs to the living room, towards the kitchen, as fast as I could. I heard Johnny’s footsteps behind me, the pain evident in his voice.
“Harlow, please wait up, last night was the worst they have ever been, and you wouldn’t let me in. Why?”
I knew I had to answer his question, then at least I could escape him for a while. Otherwise, he would constantly be at my side. He was relentless in that respect. I had to make the point clear and meaningful.
“Johnny, I needed Elijah here, not you.”
Confusion flitted across his face and I could see the cogs in his head turning, as he really considered what I’d just asserted.
“He knows about the night terrors?” he asked me point blankly, as a statement and I nodded. I realised that I couldn’t have dealt with Johnny’s affection if he’d tried to comfort me. I didn’t think he knew how much this was hurting me. I turned away, taking my water back to the room with me. No wonder I looked a sight for sore eyes catching the sun rising, realising my night had been lost to the night terrors. The shower had done me the world of good, the burning heat had allowed the pain to be felt, rather than the numbness that existed before. A few hours’ sleep would do me good if my body would allow it. I hoped to wake up and realise that this was all just a bad nightmare.
Forty-Eight
Johnny
The quiet soundsupstairs had made me stop and consider if Harlow was alright. I tried not to alert her to my presence as I made my way up the stairs and checked through the opened door, she must have mistakenly forgotten to shut behind her. She was lost in a deep slumber of sleep, with her phone in her hand, she must have forgotten to turn it back on. The battery symbol could just about be seen was highlighted full on the screen. I closed the door behind me, as it gave me the perfect opportunity to do what I needed to, to make the situation right.
I headed down the stairs, grabbing my coat and my keys, shutting the door gently, careful not to wake her. I couldn’t bare to see Harlow like that anymore, so I headed out of the door and straight to Elijah’s, whether I’d be welcomed with opened arms was something else. I had to man up. I had promised to protect and look after her at all costs, but tonight showed me after her revelation, that it was actually my selfish actions that had caused all her pain. The moment I got closer, the tension changed in the air when he spotted me. The door opened, he growled at me.
“Is she all, right? Please tell me she wasn’t alone.”
We had always been honest with one another; nothing had changed in that respect. He hadn’t shut the door in my face, so I took that as a sign and followed him in. I found him sat on the sofa with his head in his hands. I coughed, hoping to grab his attention. As he glanced up, I could see the freshly fallen tears on his face.
“I tried to get to her, I stayed outside her room all night.”
Elijah’s nod gave me the comfort that he understood her temperament as he spoke quietly.
“I never allowed the risk of anyone getting close to me after your parents passed. I always thought that I couldn’t cope with anymore loss, but the real hurt was when you shut that door in my face. I couldn’t help her during the blackout when she needed me most. I tried calling but it just went to voicemail. My heart shattered into tiny pieces, thinking of her, curled up in a ball, shaking and crying out for comfort and I wasn’t able to be there.”
As the emotions flowed, he wasn’t even a tiny bit mortified at saying any of those things to me. The pull between us was too strong and I knew it had to be me who made the first move. I edged closer and grabbed his shoulders, our friendship meant too much to lose over a disagreement, no matter the reason.
“I know you couldn’t and I’m sorry for causing this between us. I was shocked and should have listened to you both, but instead, I was scared.”
This conversation needed to happen between the pair of us, no matter how awkward it was.
“Johnny, why were you scared?”
I questioned him but the answer instantly escaped from his mouth, replying in earnest.
“Of losing you both.”
“That would never happen. You mean too much to the pair of us. It’s just that… I sort of love Harlow.” The sigh of contentment he made, as I thought, clicked my underlying reasons of the way my reaction had stemmed the way it had, as he let me know sheepishly.
“Love her? Does she know?”
Johnny crossed his arms attempting to show his bravado, but I knew it was a distraction to remain calm alongside bouncing his toes on the floor. I knew him inside out that was the problem. I was amazed he’d actually not flown off the handle and waited for more about my innermost thoughts about his sister. I should have been embarrassed about talking to him about it, but all I felt was the pulling of my heartstrings and pride.
