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My heart jumped at the chance to show her this is where she belonged; alongside Johnny, as a family finally finding that missing piece of the jigsaw. She had to know that everything in her past could be dealt with, this was her home. Hopefully, time had helped with the anguish she had experienced, and she could reconnect with her life here like it was always meant to be.
I hoped that instead of hiding away from everything the moment any emotions came into play Harlow could actually face things head on this time.
Three
Harlow
CallingJohnny was the last thing I had wanted to do. It’s a simple act for many, but for me, when I heard the dial tone, a feeling of deep failure struck me. I had struggled to cope with the internal battle inside, especially after the way I’d treated him over the last two years, but I knew I had to reach out and admit that I needed help.
That brick of disappointment laid heavy in my stomach as I conceded that I had failed to achieve my goals. The promise I had made in my mother and father’s memory was not just for myself. Johnny deserved to have his own life back. It was the least I could do and now here I was, about to be dragged right back to where it all began. I’d hit full circle. Except, now I had ruined it all.
I hadn’t expected Elijah to answer the phone, even though I should have known he'd be with Johnny. The pair had grown even closer since the accident, truly becoming brothers by choice. Even after leaving home, they remained my two constants. Johnny had no choice in the matter. Elijah could have just disappeared; he wasn’t tied to me, but for some reason he never did.
I knew someone had to tell me that day, but the fact Elijah had told me made the hurt fester more. The pain I felt towards him grew deeper and made it impossible to escape from. I knew I had pushed them away when I could, I had to, but they always had each other. I was positive their bond had helped Johnny through my departure.
When Johnny took over the call, I had never felt so grateful to hear his voice. It made me realise how much I’d missed him. How much I longed to go home even with the past that remained there. I knew I was stronger now than I was those few years ago. I imagined Elijah driving Johnny crazy as he paced the floor, just as he used to when he couldn’t be the centre of attention or didn’t know what was happening.
Laughter bubbled inside, escaping my mouth, and it completely shocked me. I felt lighter than I had in the last three years, my heart squeezing tighter.
Typically, Johnny had offered to collect me and bring me home, but deep down, I was embarrassed at where I was currently staying. It was so different from where we had grown up and I didn’t want him judging the place harshly. I also didn’t want to be the subject of an interrogation regarding my living situation or any other parts of my life. I knew we were bound to argue if he saw the place and wonder why I hadn’t admitted defeat earlier.
In my mind, I had coped just fine, until now. This place had been my escape and it was not perfect, but it was mine. I couldn’t have Johnny tarnish it for me. I hadn’t wanted the memories I had built to be worthless, for them to be dragged through the mud making them hurtful for me to reflect on again.
Shelley had offered me a lift, luckily, as I still hadn’t got around to learning to drive. The fear of being in control of a car scared me to the core after my parent’s accident. I was petrified of losing someone else that meant so much, especially at my hands. Or worse still, Johnny losing me. So, I never revealed the true reasons and played it down to financial costs.
I thought Shelley’s offer was the least she could do in the circumstances, and I shut myself away in my headspace. I sat looking nervously out the window as the scenery became more familiar. I knew Shelley would be shocked when she saw my previous life. It would’ve raised various questions about why I had decided to run to Finolock rather than stay home in Eastward. I didn’t owe her any explanations, though. Nor did I have any answers to those questions without having to drag up the past.
Although I had spent the last two years trying to figure them out myself, her face was a picture as she hit the outskirts.
“Harlow…” she asked, stuttering as her eyes showed the unasked questions she desired to voice. Her fingers tapped against the steering wheel as her eyes flitted, struggling to concentrate. I couldn’t blame her being too distracted by her surroundings, but I wasn’t going to let her get any closer to the harbour or house. Shelley would’ve magically started asking an array of questions refusing to leave until they’d been answered. I knew the last thing I needed was Shelley brought into the picture alongside Johnny and Elijah. It was the last straw to an already tense night. Snapping wasn’t an option.
“Thanks, Shelley,” I mumbled as I jumped out of the car, quickly grabbing my luggage before I promised to remain in touch, even though I hadn’t forgiven her. Anything to get her to wave goodbye quicker as I watched her pulling off into the darkness.
I headed in the opposite direction of the house, threw my rucksack on my back, placing my suitcase handle in my right hand and allowing it to trail on the ground behind me. I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts before I walked back into my past and reopened the wounds that haunted me. I sat on the bench with my belongings in a pile with just the lighting of the sky, I gazed upwards and focused on the stars.
“I’m sorry I let you down,” I whispered, tilting my head up towards the heavens, “but I will make you proud one day.”
“Harlow, come on,” Dad said as I trailed behind him, kicking my feet in the sand not giving a care in the world about the water splashing over my bare toes.
“Okay, Dad,” I replied quietly into the air, the cool breeze hitting my cheeks from the wind as my hair flew behind my shoulders.
Grabbing my hand, Dad urged me to pick up the pace. I felt my feet being pulled from underneath the sand that had mounted in rivets over my toes, but I didn’t utter a word of complaint as I just daydreamed allowing the world to pass by.
I couldn’t help the way my attention waned to kites flying in the strong breeze to children giggling burrowing siblings in the sand. Everyone seemed to be enjoying life, but I was just trailing along, watching it all pass by.
You see, earlier this week I realised one thing; Elijah would never allow me to be the typical young teenager. Andrew Gunter was my crush and I plucked up the courage to make a move on him only to be rejected. The reason though wasn’t anything to me at all, but a promised guy’s code. I thought it would be Johnny, but nope. Andrew confirmed it was Elijah. I don’t know why, and I hadn’t asked, but numbness hit realising that he had so much control.
I hadn’t noticed Dad had managed to walk us all the way to the top of the promenade at the harbour, stopping at my favourite ice cream stand that was open despite the cooler weather.
“Fancy one?” he asked, and I nodded in excitement feeling the grin want to spread across my face away from the worried thoughts.
“Can I have the chocolate and vanilla swirl with bubble gum toppings?” I asked mischievously knowing that if he had brought Johnny too, he would have argued with my choice of flavour, apparently strawberry won every time.
“Okay,” he smirked. “Our secret.” Whilst handing over the money and the lady passed me back my favourite choice.
“Thanks,” I stated remembering my manners quickly as Dad acknowledged me with a nod.
“Let’s go and take a seat and chat,” he replied.
