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As the Smiths' household erupts in an uproar, my eyes stay locked in his midnight blue eyes. We're getting married.
Gabriel Williams
We get married on the cliff in front of his cottage. No one is invited except one of the town's Protestant preachers who is officiating. I'm wearing a borrowed dress that's a size too big, and Gabriel is wearing his best shirt and waistcoat. As we hold hands, and the preacher begins his monologue, I realize that this is the first of my weddings that I've ever made it to.
Large, rolling waves of grief hit me and I'm almost knocked over from their intensity. I find a numb space in my mind, drawing so far from reality that I block out everything around me. I lose the ability to draw in air and I feel like I'm going to faint at any second. They all should be standing here right now.
A squeeze of my hand yanks me back to the present. I see Gabriel's concerned face staring back at me.
"It's all going to be alright," he mouths to me, stroking my hand softly.
His strength is what I need to anchor myself to the here and now. I focus on the preacher's words, memorizing the vows as he recites them.
"I, Juliet Caris, take you, Gabriel Williams, to be my lawful husband. To have and to hold, till death do us part…"
I squeeze my eyes shut briefly as I recite the words. The idea that the end of my life with Gabriel could end with one of our deaths instead of me disappearing into the abyss of time, is a wish that won't come true.
My eyes open when Gabriel starts his vows. He never takes his eyes off of mine as he says them, and I can feel the power and the intent behind the words. I could fall in love with this man.
When it's time to kiss, we take steps to close the gap between us. Careful and sure, Gabriel's kiss is a gentle caress, but somehow it sends shivers down my back.
The preacher leaves, and we work together in the cottage's tiny kitchen, preparing our wedding meal side by side. We eat by candlelight, and somehow it feels like one of the most romantic moments of my life.
As bedtime looms, I get more and more nervous as I realize that now that I'm Gabriel's wife, I'll be expected to fulfill all of my obligations of being a wife.
Gabriel goes outside to get some water from a well while I get ready for bed. I pull on my nightgown and stare at the bed tucked into the corner of the cottage. What do I do now?
Gabriel comes through the front door and stops just inside the entry, staring at me raptly.
"What?" I ask, tugging on my braided hair self-consciously.
"It's just better than I ever dreamed," he says.
"What is?"
"How you would look standing in our home, all mine," he whispers, his voice heavy with something that I find myself wishing would be love.
"Should we go to bed?" I ask, just as quietly. He nods and begins to undress.
I avert my eyes, feeling like I'm not allowed to watch him despite the fact that this man is my husband. I get in the bed, and slide all the way to the other side, turning over so my back faces him and he can't see the way my body is trembling, and the confusion that I'm sure is written all over my features.
He blows out the candle sitting on the table next to the bed, and silently gets in. After years of sleeping alone, it feels strange to have someone next to me.
"Can I hold you?" he asks softly into the darkness.
"Yes," I answer, sliding my body closer to his. I feel his arms wrap around me, and it feels like home. He doesn't make any other movements, and I soon fall fast asleep.
I stay wrapped in his arms for hours, comforted by his breath on my neck every time I wake up.
He's gone the next morning when I open my eyes, but there's a white rose laying on the pillow next to me. There's also a piece of parchment next to it. I pick it up and read the words scratched in small, tidy writing.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.
A tear rolls down my cheek unbidden. I recognize it as lines from a poem written by John Donne. The night before, and the sweet gestures of this morning are far more than I expected.
A few weeks pass like this. His tender, gentle touch, sweet words, and romantic gestures are there waiting for me every day. It soothes the rough, broken, jagged edges inside of me, and I find myself praying that it will last.
