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Fuck!
When she ran away yesterday and got in that cab, instead of convincing her to stay, I should have just let the cab driver take us far away from this place. She never wanted to do this goddamn surgery to begin with. She knew the risks and preferred to spend the remaining days of her life surrounded by love, not strangers in white coats slicing into her brain.
But I was selfish.
Wewere selfish.
We didn’t want just one more month or one more week with her. We wanted a life. And in pursuit of that dream, we might have just sent the love of our lives to her untimely death.
I’m losing my mind waiting.
This is what going crazy must feel like.
But sanity is too far out of my reach right now.
How can I be expected to have a clear head, when the only woman I have ever loved is facing the biggest challenge of her life without us?
With my fists by my side and then in my hair, I rage.
I rage at the doctors, at the ceiling, and at anyone who will listen as my fear is expelled in bleating bouts of gibberish that have me bent over in pain.
This is it.
This is how I die.
My grief and madness are so overwhelming that it takes a second for my eyes to focus on the man walking slowly in our direction. Dr. Channing looks gruff and exhausted as he enters the waiting room, Carter instantly jumping to his feet to hear what he has to say.
Quaid stays at my side, but I can’t look at him. When Dr. Channing’s gaze bows as he continues to talk to Carter, Quaid falls to his knees beside me, clasping his hands over his tear-stricken face.
But I have no comfort to offer him. I’ve never had comfort to offer him, and I don’t think after today I will again.
I keep my head down and concentrate on breathing, blocking out any possibility other than the words leaving Dr. Channing’s mouth being that she’s fine. That she’s okay. She’s stable. Alive.
But I don’t move from my seat, afraid that once I do, those will not be the words I hear.
However, I can’t hide from the inevitability that is coming. Like a tsunami rising in the distance, it crashes in on me as Carter steps away from where he’s been speaking to the doctor.
He stands suspended in time, breaching the gap between us, his face pale with tears falling freely on his face.
I can’t breathe.
Air is pulled from my lungs, taking all the oxygen from me.
I know by his stricken eyes that life will never be the same again.
And I hold on to her parting words to anchor me to face the reality to come.
Be it in this life or the next, I will always love you.
Epilogue
Carter
It took me a while, but I finally learned at some point that our lives are not defined by one thing. They’re the sum of all our decisions, acts, tragedies, and miracles. It’s every one of those things that makes us who we are. Each day that comes and then goes is one I’m thankful for, and never take for granted. I know how valuable they are.
Valentina taught me that lesson.
When I was younger, my life had always been plagued by death, and for a long time, I thought that was what defined my existence. So I breathed that poison into me, knowing that no matter how hard you tried, we would never be able to escape its clutches.
