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“You mean besides seeing you?” she asked. I nodded. “No. But I was hoping that we could talk.”
“I wanted to last night, but I…was a bit…distracted,” I wink.
“Are you complaining?” she leaned in to me, kissing my neck.
My cock hardened and my mind began to lose focus. We were also still standing in the hallway. Stepping back, I said, “If you start, we’re never going to talk.”
She nodded and asked, “Would you like to come in to talk?”
Although that was risky itself, it was better than staying where anyone could overhear us. I didn’t want this to be a serious conversation, but it needed to be.
Once inside she sat on the bed, leaving plenty of room for me to sit beside her. That was more temptation than I could handle right now, so I opted for one of the chairs at the small table.
“What did you want to talk about?” she asked.
There was so much I wasn’t sure where to start. What happened last night might be a good place.
“I had no intention of making love to you last night.”
“Which time?” she smirked.
“Good point. But seriously, I had intended to talk to you. That’s why I’m sitting all the way over here right now. It’s never been easy keeping my hands off you,” I admitted.
“Then maybe we don’t talk about last night, because that only makes me want my hands on you too,” she said.
“Okay, so let’s go back a little further.”
“How far? Because I haven’t seen you since you left for the Navy.”
“Maybe that’s where I need to start.” I wish I had a stiff drink right now, this wasn’t going to be easy.
“I’m sorry that I left like I did. We discussed it, but I knew in my heart that you really didn’t want me to go.”
“No. I didn’t. I thought we were going to be together forever. But when your father got arrested and went to jail, I knew you needed to get away. Not from me, but from all the memories. I understood, at least the best I could,” she said.
I wasn’t sure she was telling me the truth. I could see the hurt and pain in her eyes as clearly now as I did back then. But she was right, the fact my father had killed my mother in a domestic argument was more than I could deal with. Back then I wasn’t just mourning the loss of my mother, I was also trying to deal with the fear that I could be like my father and hurt or take the life of someone I said I loved. That thought had scared the shit out of me. Valentina didn’t know that, because I never shared it with her. It was bad enough that my father was looked at as a monster, I never wanted Valentina to look at me that way too. The Navy was where I escaped to, but I hadn’t just run from the pain, I was also running from myself. But doing so, I shut down from everything and everyone. Even the only woman I have ever loved.
I needed time to heal. Time to learn that I am not my father. I’d rather die myself than bring harm to another. But time doesn’t heal every wound and even now, years later, I still couldn’t bring myself to think back to that time without anger and sadness filling me. “I won’t say the Navy fixed everything, but I was too busy to think about what happened, what was taken from me.” But not too busy to think about leaving you behind.
“Then it was a good decision for you.”
“But I had promised you that I’d return. And I didn’t. For that, I’m forever sorry.” I meant that from the bottom of my heart. But they were only words, and my actions needed to match. “I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you, but time is one thing you can never get back.”
“We lost a lot of it. More than half of my life was spent without you,” she said, her eyes watering.
God, please don’t cry. I feel bad enough.
She never told me, but I knew she had cried when I left, and I didn’t want to give her another reason to cry now. At least you’re able to let it out. I still can’t, even now. I literally had shut down emotionally. It was the only way I could process the loss of my mother. Valentina must’ve hated me for shutting her out too.
We had been dating for several years when my mother had been killed. I never thought of how it affected Valentina. She’d been at my house more times than I can count. She would even help my mother in the kitchen as they baked for different charity fundraising events. And I was too caught up in my own pain to see hers.
I won’t ever make that mistake again. I’ll always see you, Valentina. Your joy and your sorrows.
“Valentina, I can’t give you that back, but I’d like to get to know the woman you are now. Maybe…it’s not too late for us,” I said.
She sniffed and asked, “Are you saying that you’re moving back to Rhode Island?”
I hadn’t planned on it, but it wasn’t off the table for discussion. “I don’t have plans yet for where to settle down. I just retired from the Navy a few months ago.”
