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“I know it did. She loved Mom. She even named her daughter after mom,” I said.
“Oh my God. That’s so…beautiful. I think I’ve only met her once and that was probably at the funeral. I was so…distraught that it was a blur. That’s what you get when you move away and decide never to go back to your birthplace.”
“I know the feeling. I’ve never gone back either.”
“Valentina lives in Rhode Island. How are you going to have a relationship with her when you aren’t willing to even go see her there?” she asked.
“I’m working on that,” I said.
“What can I do to help?” she asked.
“Just come on the cruise. That will be enough,” I stated.
“I’m looking forward to it. Besides, Roger promised to take me on a cruise for my sixty-fifth birthday. And look, here we are,” she said.
“Sixty-five?”
“I know. Time has gone by so fast. It has been ages since we’ve gotten together.”
Ten years at least.“I was on leave from the Navy, and I came to visit you in Hawaii.”
“That’s right. I don’t know why you don’t move out here with us. Especially now since you’re retired. It’s beautiful.”
“I remember,” I replied.
“I tried so hard to convince mom to move to Hawaii with us,” Carlie said sadly.
I knew why she stayed. It was because of me. Carlie had been gone for years, and in Mom’s eyes, she was settled and had someone to look after her. I was so blinded by love for Valentina, that I never even noticed any warning signs that my mother might be in trouble. I had racked my brain so many times trying to pinpoint a date when things had started to go bad, but I couldn’t. I was young and in love, and all I could think about back then was how badly I wanted to be with Valentina. Mom knew she’d never get me to leave Valentina. Wherever she was, that was where I wanted to be. Because of that, Mom stayed and endured, and the price was her life
Fuck. Mom, if you’d have gone, maybe you’d still be alive.
I knew what happened to her was not my fault. Not directly at least. But that didn’t change the guilt that plagued me. I had sworn I would never go back to our hometown, never mind live there, because of horrible memories. But that was before seeing Valentina again. She had made it clear that her life was there. Abby confirmed that Valentina hadn’t changed, if anything, her family meant even more to her now, than before. Since she means everything to me, I had no choice but to somehow find a way to push past the pain, the guilt, and go back to Rhode Island. My love for her outweighs my grief.
“Mom stayed because of…me,” I muttered. Even now, it felt like a knife twisting in my gut.
Carlie blurted, “Hell, no. She stayed because of that bastard. I know I shouldn’t speak of your father like that, but he wasn’t a nice man. That’s why I got married so young and moved so far away. I couldn’t continue to live under the same roof as your father. I thought he was mean to me because I wasn’t his biological daughter. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to marry someone with an outspoken teenager, but he…was…very cruel. He never hit me, but his words cut deep. After I moved away, it took years of therapy to see myself as anything other than…worthless. Roger, that saint of a man, helped me heal.”
This was the first time I’d ever heard her speak about any of this. It showed me that our family didn’t deal well with pain. I was glad she had Roger by her side. I had Valentina who tried, but I was too damn stubborn and caught up in my own pain to let her in. I’m an idiot. “I’m sorry, Carlie. I never knew.”
“You were five when I left. The only thing you cared about was racing toy cars and playing outside. I’m not even sure Mom understood what was going on. Most likely because she was living it, too. I tried talking to her about it, but she got very defensive. I guess she didn’t want to give up. She didn’t believe in divorce. I wish I could’ve…helped her. I feel so damn guilty for leaving,” she sobbed.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty. She loved you so much! All she did was talk about how proud she was of everything you accomplished.”
“Funny, all she did was talk about you to me,” she sniffed. “Guess we really had the best mom.”
“Too bad I wasn’t so lucky in the father department. I’m sorry about how he treated you. If I’d have known, I’d have knocked his ass out,” I said firmly.
Carlie laughed. “Five-year-old Rick punching a full-grown man? I would like to have seen that.” There was silence on the other end for a moment, then she continued. “I’m like Mom – I covered up my pain. I was just lucky that I got out when I did. If it wasn’t for Roger, I don’t know what would have happened to me.”
The thought that I could’ve lost my sister hurt like hell. “I wish we could’ve been closer,” I said. “But knowing what I do, I’m glad you weren’t around.” And I’m glad that bastard is spending the rest of his life behind bars. Even that is too good for him.
It was all starting to make more sense. My father had them both too scared to talk about things, and after mom was gone, we were all in shock and talking would’ve only brought out more pain than we were already trying to deal with. Glad I know now. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t Carlie’s either.
“Well, it’s different now. The truth is out. And since you’re here trying for a second chance with Valentina, then I would say you’ve done some healing as well,” she said.
“I have. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I’ve let go of some things that I haven’t been able to in twenty-eight years.” Like forgiving myself for something I had no control over.
“I know. Can you believe Mom has been gone that long?”
