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“Please, Dusk. Let’s go back for him. He's your brother! He's my mate!”
He shakes his head, looking down and away, but continues holding onto me. “My father has him now.”
It isn’t an answer I can accept. “Please.” My voice is weaker now because the fight is gone. The light is gone. Phantom is gone. And I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to get him back.
“He sacrificed himself to save us,” Dusk tells me softly. “We can’t let his sacrifice be in vain.”
His words echo through me, and when they finally let me go, I collapse.
20
Ann
It’s been days,weeks, and I have nothing to show for it but the few hundred moon shards we’ve collected. Yes, that's an accomplishment, but I'd trade them all in to get Phantom back. To even see him for a moment.
There's no doubt in my heart that these men are all my mates. Now, I have no idea how I was able to fight the pull to my shadow beasts for so long. Because now that I have Onyx and Dusk, they are like Rayne to me. They've buried themselves so deep in my heart that it isn't me and them, it'sus.
And the loss of Phantom... it's like losing a piece of my soul. My entire chest aches all the time. It throbs like the shadow king ripped my heart from my chest when he took Phantom. The only reason I'm eating or drinking is because my men make me. The only way I can sleep is with them wrapped around me, with them holding me and comforting me every time I dream of Phantom and wake up sobbing.
Still, I continue on, because I'll never get him back if I give up. And I'll never be complete until I have Phantom with me once more.
I turn my head from one side to the other and roll my shoulders. “You should get some rest.” Rayne lays his hand at the small of my back, his thumb caressing my skin lightly under the hem of my shirt. The touch is meant to console, to ease my thoughts. But there won’t be any sort of consolation until Phantom is back with me. Where he belongs. Where I need him to be.
We're out again, but that's not strange any longer. We can't return to the cave that we had shared with Phantom. My men had explained it was too dangerous. Nor could we return to the main cave, not that we'd want to sleep in a place that's nothing but a reminder of all we've lost.
So, we travel. Every day. Not far. But enough so that the shadow king's creatures won't find us too easily. Most of our nights are spent in a couple of rough caves we'd stumbled upon. Places that were uncomfortable, but so far proved to be safe.
Today, however, night is almost upon us, so we're camping out in nature. We have a fire with food cooking and places where we all rested earlier, but we'll be packing up what little we have soon and going to the place we go every night. At least for a little while. At least to check, before we hide away from danger once more.
Rayne sits on a rock and pulls me back against him so I can feel his heartbeat against my spine. “Look at all those moon shards. It's impressive. Do you think we have enough to build our own moon, yet?”
I know he's just trying to lift my spirits, but nothing can lift my spirits now. I glance down. There are about three hundred of them, not quite a fourth of the original, from what Onyx and Dusk had told me, but enough to know the king won’t be able to expand his realm without these. "It's something," I manage. "But not enough."
Enough?I don't even know what that means any longer. We have collected so many of them that the king shouldn't be able to expand his realm, but we no longer know what the king wants. He hasn't been back. We've seen no sign of his creatures or of Phantom. Whatever happened when he took my mate, his plan has changed. Maybe it was only adjusted, but it definitely changed.
"We're doing great," Rayne tells me soothingly.
Feeling weak, I lean back against Rayne, rubbing at the ache in my chest.
Dusk glances at me, sees the movement that tells him I'm hurting because of the loss of Phantom, and stands and walks away from the fire. But not before I see the look of utter pain on his face. As much as I feel this miserable emptiness inside of me since losing Phantom, I know Dusk and Onyx are hurting equally. He was their brother, their best friend, and had been a constant presence since they lost everything.
I kiss Rayne's cheek lightly, then pull away. “I should go to him.”
He nods, knowing that I'm the only person that can soothe my men, even if it's only a little. And I walk away from him, following Dusk, wishing that I could hide my pain better, so that it wouldn't be a reminder to him of his brother.
Dusk stands at the edge of a rock formation that drops off into a cove below the forest. He’s looking out and breathing slowly, as if he's just enjoying the view, but I can see the pain he's trying so hard to hide. Before I lay a hand at the center of his back and a kiss against his shoulder, he nods. “I should’ve killed him when I had the chance. Then none of this would’ve happened.”
He’s said this before. He’s gone down this path in his mind so many times that it’s horrible to watch. We all blame ourselves, but no one more than him. And he doesn’t deserve that. Not my good, wonderful man.
“It’s okay. We’re going to get Phantom back,” I tell him, and my voice comes out strong, because I mean it. We'll get Phantom back, even if I have to die trying.
His arms are crossed over his chest, and he stares into the distance that from here is nothing but sky, water, and forest as far as the eye can see. “Even if we do, there’s no telling how much of him is left.”
My men had explained a lot to me over the last few weeks. They told me more about the legend of their goddess. But what was more, since knowing their father placed a moon shard in his heart, they told me why they thought it ruined him. This power... it's too much for any person. Whether the goddess cursed her magic just to ensure this couldn't happen or the power pushed away all else, they felt that once the shard was placed in a person, that person was lost.
I disagreed. I told them that if this goddess of the moon was as good as they have said, her magic couldn't destroy someone like Phantom. He wasn't all darkness and cruelty like his father. He was a shadow beast with a heart of gold. I believed with every ounce of my being that we could remove the shard and get him back. Maybe he would have changed from his experience, but we'd help him find himself. Iknewit.
I just wished they had the same faith as me.
