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"He has enough of a bond with her that it's distasteful," Zeal explained. "Anver had to learn what it felt like to be used. It's his price."
"And I'm paying it," he said, but his eyes flicked over to me.
"Not like this," I told him. "This is abuse! At least dodge!"
"There's no reason you can't," Zeal pointed out.
"Yeah, but..."
"No," I insisted, shoving to my feet. "Because if I see her hit you again, I will step in. As soon as I raise a hand to her, we both know they'll throw me out, so you need to decide what really matters. Besides, if you think I want to see you hurt, then you're wrong, ok?"
"Then whatdoyou want?" he shot back.
For a moment I just stood there with my mouth open, unable to find an answer.
So Anver kept going. "I can't undo the past. I can't, Nari, because I've fucking tried. I can't pretend like all of that didn't happen, because that only pissed you off more. I can't make you forget it either. So what do youwantfrom me? What do I need to do to prove to you that I'm fuckingsorry!"
"That," Eladehl said softly. "All we've ever wanted was an apology."
"I'm sorry," Anver said again, this time looking at him. Then he looked over at Wraythe. "I was a stupid kid who wanted to fix myself. I thought that if I was like you, the hero, then maybe I'd be able to feel the same way all of you do, but I was wrong." He paused and pulled in a shaking breath. "I didn't pick her over you. I swear I didn't. I just wanted to find myself, and I ended up losing everything in the process."
"Oh, Anver," I breathed, crossing the space to kneel before him and pull his head against my shoulder. Without even thinking, I wrapped my arms around him and just held him. "It hurt because I thought you'd stopped loving us, and you never said otherwise."
"I tried," he mumbled. "Nari, when that priest was caressing your arm as he looked at your marks back in ninth year? I headed over because I knew you needed help, and then you all just pushed me away. I tried to make you talk to me in the courtyard, but you were so mad. I..."
"I know," I breathed, "and I'm sorry too. I loved you, Anver."
He huffed again. "Past tense."
So I leaned back to wipe at his face. "I don't really know you anymore. I know who you used to be, and what you have the potential to be, but I don't knowyou."
"The relationship you had as kids is gone," Talin told him, making it sound like he was repeating himself. "Buttheirrelationship with each other has also changed over the years. They grew. They matured. So did you, Anver. Just because that's in the past doesn't mean there's no future."
He nodded. "Tish hates all of you."
"The feeling is mutual," I assured him.
"And me?" he asked, the words soft, but I still heard the tremor in his voice.
"I never hated you. You couldn't have broken my heart if I had." I leaned in to hug him again. "I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry. I had no idea that I made you cry. I thought you'd replaced me."
"No one could replace you. Any of you." This time, he was the one pulling back. "I've always loved you, Nari. From that first moment when I said I didn't get that part and you asked me what I got instead. Maybe it was a childish thing, but you were the first person to make me feel like I could be whole."
"Stop avoiding us?" I begged.
"Anver?" Wraythe asked before he could respond to that. "What do you honestly want from us? What do you expect? Things to go back like they were?"
"No," he promised. "I just miss having friends. People to talk to and study with."
Wraythe nodded. "I'm ok with that, but if you hurt them again..."
"Or him," Talin said. "Wraythe won't admit it, but I get the impression that he was a little hurt to lose a friend too."
"Yeah," Anver mumbled, turning his attention to Ela, but there was something timid about it. "But I don't want to come if I'm not honestly welcome. I'm willing to prove myself."
Ela just licked his lips. "I didn't get over it." And he looked up, meeting Anver's eyes.
Because Eladehl tying me up had been Anver's breaking point. It was too close to what Ciella had done to Ela, and back then, none of us knew that Tishlie had suffered the same. For Anver, he'd been trying to help the ones that had been abused, only to have his closest friends start dabbling in play that was skirting much too close to the line.
