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I didn't want to tell him this, but I needed to tell someone. I couldn't even talk to Zeal about it. This was the sort of problem that needed a human's experience to figure out, and who else did I know? Who else could help me? Could Grath even understand? He looked so happy with his desire, and here I was, a complete fucking mess, trying to figure out my place in all of this.
My pause carried on for a little too long, so Grath reached back to grab a bottle and two cups. He liberally poured the amber liquid into the bottom of both, then pushed one to me. What he didn't do was press me to talk. He simply took a sip from his own and waited, so I gave in.
"Tish lied to me." I knew that wouldn't tell him enough, so I had to start again. "Back when we were kids, I thought she'd been bullied by Ciella. Shejustsaid that it was all a plan to get me to pay attention to her - and it worked! I wanted to help her. I tried to be her friend, and she pulled me away from Nari and the guys. They thought I'd cut them out, but it was all Tish. When I wanted to go study with them, she'd tell me she saw the three in the courtyard making out, or that Nari was in a mood, or something to make me not ever try! I was convinced I was getting the brush-off because I'd been nice to Tish. Nari thought I'd abandoned her, so they closed ranks, and..." I grabbed my cup. "My whole life is a lie."
"Shit," Grath breathed.
I nodded, because his comment pretty much said it all. "I gave them up for her! They were all I had, Grath."
He blew out a breath and then took another drink. This one was bigger. "He said he's trying to break you. You think this was what he meant?"
I shook my head this time. "No. Zeal can't know what people will do. He needs me to learn something else, and I don't know what it is. I just..." Thrusting a hand out toward the hall, I hoped he'd understand what I meant. "She's been using me. I tried so hard to be a good guardian for her, and the whole time that little bitch was playing me!"
"Step down," Grath said, his voice gentle. "There's not a single thing wrong with the Path of Action, and you'd excel there. Anver, you aren't required to be a guardian. You don't need to punish yourself like this."
"I do," I told him. "Zeal needs me to learn. Tish is just the excuse. I need to be a guardian, but not necessarilyherguardian."
"Then I'll help you," he promised. "Whatever you need, but I think you should start with talking to Nari and her guys."
"Not tonight," I said. "Wraythe mentioned Ela's glow, and with how intense he is, I have a feeling he's not going to be in a good mood after a session like that. Especially not when he was trying so hard not to hurt her."
Grath nudged my drink, reminding me it was there. "Did he?"
"No more than she deserved," I assured him, lifting the cup to gulp down a burning swallow of alcohol. "He made her beg to be cut. She doesn't even realize what he did, but Nari noticed. Ela was showing her why people are scared of him, I think. The whole thing was those two playing off each other." I sighed. "They're fucking beautiful, you know that? Opposites on the outside, but they're so much alike inside. Together? They're even more impressive."
"You love them?" Grath asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. I never stopped. I love the three of them, but Talinfits. He's the match that I never could've been, so I can't even hate him for it."
"So where do you belong?" he pressed.
"Right here," I said, "drinking your... Is that brandy?"
"Cognac, so close." He tipped his head at the bottle. "I have a lot more, too."
I took another drink. "Why did Zeal put you in my path?"
"I'm starting to think that it's because you need a friend. No judgement, Anver. You drink and talk, I'll listen, and if you bawl your eyes out, I'll make sure no one else will never know. It's what friends do, just in case you didn't know."
"I've only ever had three of those," I said softly. "I don't even know if they count, because what we had crossed that line. I would watch them love each other. That was my thing. Ela loved an audience, and I loved watching. They didn't care if I jacked off because it got me going. They never laughed at me for not wanting to do more than kiss them or hold them. I mean, sometimes I'd even wrap my arms around Wraythe when we were done, and he's completely straight. I just wanted to touch them, he didn't mind, and it worked. It used to work, and thenshecame along, and my entire world crashed down. It all ended because I was so sure I was broken!"
"You are not broken," he promised.
I laughed once. "You know what Nari asked me? We were just kids, and I told her I didn't get that part, the bit that made me want her touching my dick like that. She looked up at me with those beautiful honey-colored eyes and asked me what part I got instead."
"What did you tell her?"
I shrugged. "I kinda didn't. I mean, I didn't know back then."
"So did you ever figure it out?" he asked.
"Yeah," I breathed. "I don't want sex, Grath. The thing I desire most? It's to see the people I love be happy. It's to feel wanted. It's... It's what I had when I thought I was broken. I got the part that means I don't know how to stop loving once I start."
"Yeah," he said softly. "I think that's a pretty good trade myself. Love lasts a lot longer than an orgasm, and feels a whole lot better."
"When it's returned."
He nodded. "But I think that's not really your problem. Nari wouldn't be this worried about you if it wasn't returned. You just have to take a risk and see if what they heard changed their minds too."
