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"No," he said. "She's not a friend. I chose her as a weapon. I became infatuated with her in the process. She's a lover, Anver, not a friend. I chase her because I want something. Her strength, her body, her attention - whatever. A friend is different. A friend is the one who we don't have to see to know they'll catch us. That's you, and you're the first one I've ever had, so I'm the worst person to offer advice about this. I'm willing to listen, though."
"When did you fall in love with her?" I asked.
Zeal leaned back in his chair and kicked his feet up on the edge of the table. "Mm. I'm not honestly sure. It happened so slowly. All these little thoughts, and always about everyone else. I can tell you when I realized it. When she demanded consent. When she raged at a god that she deserved to be asked for her own opinion." A smile touched his lips. "Most people grovel to us, you know."
"I actually didn't," I admitted. "I mean, the ones who can see you tend to treat you just like a normal person."
"It's my favorite thing," Zeal said, and then his mood shifted, turning serious. "I want to tell you something, but I'm worried it will change how you think about this."
"Then tell me and let me decide," I said.
Those strange eyes of his watched me for a moment, and then he leaned his elbows onto the table, dropping his feet off again. "I want you to be there for her. I want you to be happy with them. I want the five people I care about most to care about each other. I like this. I once thought that humans would find a way to bicker and squabble just to destroy their own happiness, but I was wrong. I..." He paused, his eyes dropping to the table. "I couldn't let you be her guardian. She would've destroyed everything good about you, and you would've helped her. It's the nature of your personalities. That doesn't mean I wanted to take you from her."
"Is that what you meant when you said you had to break me?" I asked.
His tongue flicked over his lips. "I'm afraid to answer that."
"That's fair," I assured him. "Zeal, sometimes saying you won't answerisan answer."
He nodded. "I need you to remember how to be strong for yourself. Not for Nari or Tishlie. Not even for me. I need you to remember that bright boy who laughed as he ran up the hall. The one who didn't care if he was smaller, weaker, or younger than the rest. The beautiful boy who asked Nari if she wanted to kiss him just because he was curious. I want the man you've become to have that wonder and curiosity. To love the temptation as much as you did back then."
"But people grow up," I reminded him.
"Which is not the same as growing stale," he countered.
I lifted my glass and took another drink. I knew Zeal had all the answers I wanted. Maybe not about the future, but about what they were thinking, what Tishlie had done, and so much more. He was a god, after all, but I'd never asked him those things. It didn't seem fair, and each time our conversation got too close, he always seemed a little uncomfortable, but there was one thing I needed to know for sure.
"Do they hate me, Zeal? I know you know. I'm sure you've heard them. I won't ask about anything else, but Ineedto know that much."
"They miss you," he said softly. "They hate themselves for not fighting for you. They're mourning the time they lost, and not quite sure how to fix it now. They don't want to make problems by chasing you, because they know Tishlie's right across the hall. It's the only thing keeping them away."
"Talin and Wraythe have been hanging out with me in class."
"I know." His eyes still wouldn't meet mine.
"Zeal, I'm going to ask another hard question, and you don't have to answer, but what do you need me for? What are you training me to become?"
Slowly, those iridescent eyes lifted. "Mine. Not hers, Anver. Mine."
"That's enough," I assured him. "No, it's more than enough. It's amazing and wonderful, and makes all of this feel worth it, because you are my best friend. Fuck Tishlie. Fuck Ciella and Ryshie, and everyone else. I'm a guardian, and so long as my marks don't fade, they won't kick me off this Path. I'll stay the course, but I'm going to be a very bad guardian to my ward." I placed my hand over his. "I'll protect anything you need, though, Zeal. It's what friends do."
"I won't always be here," he reminded me.
"Doesn't matter," I decided. "I just..." A laugh slipped out. "I might need a little help finding the courage to chase them down."
He pulled his hand back. "No. I'm not forcing you anymore. If you want them, then you need to tempt yourself. You need to do it for you, not for me. You need to learn how to be true to yourself, and how to stop letting everyone walk on you because you're a nice guy. Nice doesn't mean weak. It doesn't mean without teeth! It means youfucking care,but you can still haveboundaries.You can still set your own limits - even for me."
"I want no limits with you," I shot back.
He pressed both hands to the table and stood, a snarl taking over his face. "You should! I'm not an easy god."
"You're stillmygod, Zeal. And fuck that! You're my friend. I don't really pick the easy ones, do I? Nari, Ela, Wraythe, and Talin! Even Grath is complicated. Those are my only friends beside you, and none of them are fucking easy. If I wanted easy, I'd stay with Tishlie." I shoved up to match him, glaring across the table into the angry face of a god. "I want the man who lies on my bed and talks about nothing. I want the guy who spoils his friends while acting like he's done nothing. Don't think I haven't noticed how that bottle never gets empty!"
"I already broke you," he snapped. "Don't you fucking get it? I destroyed you, and you still call me a friend?"
"Because you're also putting me back together," I told him. "I may be a nice guy, Zeal, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid. You pulled me away from Nari for a reason. You found her a better guardian because you're trying to fucking survive! My struggles are nothing compared to that. So break me. Repair me. Rebuild me, Zeal, and I will do my best to help you, but don't you dare think that raising me into the priest you need is a bad thing."
He stepped around the table and threw himself against my chest. My arms wrapped around him, and Zeal pressed his face into my shoulder. He held me so hard, so I just held him back. Just when I was convinced he wouldn't say a thing, I heard his voice as little more than a whisper.
