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"What?" he asked.
But I already knew the answer. It was so obvious I couldn't see how he'd missed it, but he clearly had. In all of his deepest and darkest fears, Ela had never considered the other side of the coin. He hadn't stopped to think about the reason the four of us worked so well together.
"You need to trust her too," I said. "You need to trust her blindly, and right now, you don't. This is Nari, our girl, and the woman strong enough to save gods. If you can't trust her, Ela, then how can you trust the rest of us?"
"I do," he insisted. "I just don't trust myself."
"But we do," Talin told him, "and you can't have both. If you trust us, you'll figure out how to trust yourself."
I met his eyes. "I think you owe it to her to try."
"Please don't let me fuck this up?" he begged.
"We will beat the shit out of you first," I swore. To anyone else, that would be a threat. To him, it was the reassurance he needed.
Chapter 65
Eladehl
Iwoke up with Nari sprawled across my chest. Lying on her stomach, she had a leg hooked over Talin's thigh, but her fingers held the back of my neck and her breasts were crushed against my bicep. Carefully, I turned to see her face, watching her dark lashes flicker with her dreams. So perfect, so beautiful, and I hoped this wouldn't be the last time she lay against me so easily.
I lay there for a little too long, just watching her sleep. When Talin shifted, she almost stirred, but it was enough to make her turn towards him. Still asleep, Talin's arms wrapped around her, and she moved to curl against his chest. That was when I finally got out of bed, and a moment later, I heard Wraythe suck in a breath on Talin's other side.
"Sleep," I whispered, turning to find his eyes blinking open.
He grunted and then pressed his face deeper into the pillow. He didn't reach out for something to hold. He hadn't been bumped or kicked, and yet he'd still woken up just as I left the bed. I made my way to the bathroom thinking about that. Pulling the door partially closed to dampen the sound, I turned on the water and handled my business while it warmed up, but my mind was on the discussion of our marks.
They'd said they could feel her. They'd said it was how all match-marks were supposed to work, and Wraythe wore mine. The pattern he got hadn't been small like Anver's. It went across both of his shoulders and at least two handspans down. Larger than the lace on my body, if I was honest, and yet it was the same pattern as mine, just scaled up for his bulk.
Which meant he could feel me. He always had, and yet nothing had changed between us. Not when we'd been paired at Choosing, not when I'd partnered with Nari, and not even when I'd been with that man on the Darkest Night. He hadn't learned to fear me this semester. He hadn't become hesitant or started keeping secrets. My best friend was carrying a portion of my soul, and he still wasn't scared of me.
So why couldn't I trust myself?
Because I knew what went on in my mind. I took my time in the shower, letting the hot water wake me up, and taking the chance to make sure everything was shaved as close as possible, but I was stuck on this. I knew I would never intentionally hurt Nari. The problem was that I wanted her toaskme to hurt her - and she had. She'd made it clear that we were doing this session, and yet I knew this was going to be hard for her. She was trying to ignore her own fears, just like I was fighting off mine.
The whispers in the back of my mind said I wasn't good enough for her. I had a feeling the ones she tried to ignore said that she should've done more. She needed to be prepared at all times, or something like that. The one thing she'd said bothered her was being helpless, and yet it was exactly what I desired most: for this woman to surrender to me as completely as she had to Zeal. To be helpless in my arms because shechoseto be.
I turned off the water just as the alarm bell began to ring softly in the other room. That made me hurry. Wrapping a towel around my waist, I opened the bathroom door just to find Nari on the other side. She flashed me a smile and rushed in. I couldn't get enough of her morning routine. She was adorable when she was half awake, and getting to see it made my worries fade just a bit.
An hour later, the four of us arrived in the viewing area under the dome. Just like I remembered from the Darkest Night, the performance "stage" was covered with black pads or cushions of some kind. They were solid enough to walk on, but soft enough to lie on. The dome up above allowed light to shine all the way down, and mirrors amplified it. Today it was sunlight, though.
Chairs had been set up around the front of the display area. The four of us found a place that wasn't too close to where Oryll was talking to another priest. Other students were also arriving. Most were in pairs, a few were in quads like us, and everyone was dressed to impress.
And then I saw him. Leaning against a wall at the side, hidden in the shadows, was a dark-skinned man wearing all black. A pair of hilts were visible over his shoulders, but the guardian's eyes were clearly not those of a human. That was Zeal. When he realized I was looking, his lips curled into a smile and then they moved, mouthing words with no sound.
"You will be fine."
That was it, but I understood. Talin and Wraythe were here to make sure I didn't go too far. Zeal would stop me before I could ruin things between us. He was a fucking god.Mygod. These men wouldn't let me hurt Nari. Not physically, and not even mentally. Together, we could do this. We would find a way to put on a show they would never forget, and yet not tear apart our own happiness in the process.
"We're performing for a god," I whispered to Nari.
She turned, a smile touched her lips, and then she looked back and took my hand. "No holding back, Ela. Just this once, ok? I need an excellent, and Oryll won't give me that unless he has no other choice."
I had to swallow, a million worse things running through my mind, but her eyes were begging. That was the look I couldn't resist. The one weakness I had never learned how to overcome.
"No holding back," I agreed, and by Zeal, if I didn't mean it. "In fact, I have an idea..."
While I whispered my thoughts to her, Nari nodded, and more initiates arrived. At the railing above, other priests stopped to see the show. From the growing hum of the crowd, I had a feeling there were more in the seating area too, but I couldn't make them out in the shadows down here.
