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Chapter 37
Eladehl
We didn't backtrack to get to our suite. Instead, Talin led me forward, in the opposite direction of where Ciella had gone. I'd seen the concern in his eyes when I started cutting. His voice had changed when he realized I didn't want to stop. In the back of my head, those fears were screaming at me that he was scared of what I'd grown into, demanding that I push him away, to chase him off before I hurt him too.
I knew they lied, but that didn't make it any easier to ignore them. Talin wasn't scared of me. He'd never flinched from me. He was worried about the consequences of turning me loose - just like I was. Fuck, he'd held that bitch for me. The sensation of the blade parting the top layer of her skin. The feel of her body tensing against me, knowing she wanted to run. Those things had my dick hard, but my blood ran too cold right now to call it turned on.
The only problem was that I didn't remember what had happened to his dagger. My feet slowed for a second, and Talin turned to check on me. That was when I saw the blade tucked into his belt. He'd taken it from me. He'd also left it in my reach, and that helped hold the crash a little further away. It was proof that he trusted me.
Just as we turned down the last hall to get home, Nari called our names. I paused, refusing to walk away from her, but Talin waved for her to catch up. She didn't just stretch her legs. Nari jogged, falling in on my other side. The moment she looked at my face, it was as if she simply knew.
"What happened?" she asked, the question for either of us.
"Ciella," I breathed. "She kissed Talin. Pushed him against the wall the same fucking way she did Anver. She thought he'd get bit by his ring, and howdareshe try to hurt my man!"
Nari slipped her arm around my waist and leaned into my side. "How bad did you hurt her?"
Talin chuckled. "Oh, he gave her a symbol of the gods to remember him by. A little triangle around the hollow of her throat. It wasn't very deep, though."
"I should've cut deeper," I mumbled. "Let the blood run down her breasts, staining her shirt, leaving a trail back to her room as she tried to - "
"No," Talin said, cutting me off. "That would get Saval involved, and it's possible they'd stop letting you take pain sessions, Ela."
"Besides," Nari said as we neared our door, "Ciella's probably pissing herself right now. She thought you were a harmless little toy, Ela. She had no idea that you're so much more than she could ever handle."
Talin bent his arm to smooth my hair back from my brow. "You should fuck her. Give her what she wants, just like you did Tishlie. Make it clear what happens when she asks for it."
Nari grumbled as if she didn't agree. "I'd rather he didn't. The idea of rewarding that idiot for attacking us just seems wrong."
"And she doesn't learn," I reminded them. "She'd think it was something else to rub in Nari's face."
Talin stepped forward to get the door just as I said that. Nari pressed her hand against my back, steering me in first. Visions of Nari leaving me for touching Ciella were now dancing in my head, and ignoring them wasn't helping. The way they talked made it easier, reminding me that they loved my imperfections just as much as everything else, but some deep-seated fear had me convinced I wasn't good enough for the ones I loved most.
I couldn't even put a name to it, but the fear didn't care. It was there, real, and forcing my body to react to it. It reminded me of what I could lose, of how many things had slipped through my fingers because I wasn't perfect, and how this was clearly not "perfect." I was a monster. A creature of darkness. My woman was meant to see the light, and I was terrified that one day she'd look at me and find nothing there.
I stepped into our living room to see both Anver and Wraythe look up. Before I could say a thing, it was like they knew. I wasn't sure if my face was contorted in anger or what sign tipped them off, but the fact that even Anver could tell proved that I wasn't hiding this. I wasn't defeating the monster inside me. I was slipping, losing control...
Then Anver marched toward me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "We got you," he breathed. "You're safe now."
Those words.
Of all the things he could've said, he'd picked the same ones he'd whispered when he held me after the wax incident in primary. He was holding me the same way. This man smelled so much like that young boy, the one who'd treated me as if I was his idol. The feel of his embrace broke through the walls I was trying to build in my mind, and I was done.
It wasn't a conscious decision, but the moment his arms held me against him, I felt the shift. My face found the crook of his neck. My arms wrapped around his back, clinging to the muscles I wasn't used to feeling on him. Anver just sighed, his body relaxing as his cheek pressed against the top of my head, and it felt like I was home.
This was the safety of family. It was love without qualifications. This man hadn't even hesitated, which meant he wasn't scared of me, and it was the final thing I needed. My breath caught and I felt the stinging in my eyes, but I didn't try to fight it. He loved me still. Nari loved me. Talin loved me. Wraythe would always love me. I was home, and this was ok.
In the background, I could hear Talin explaining to Nari and Wraythe what had happened, but I didn't care. I'd been there. I knew. I just needed to feel Anver, to know that he was my safety net. Wraythe could keep me whole, but Anver's gentleness kept me sane.
"I can't stop," I mumbled.
"Shh," Anver breathed, rocking me gently. "There's nothing wrong with you, Ela. I was the one with the problem, not you."
"Then why didn't my mom want me?" I asked, the words falling out.
I wasn't sure where they came from. I couldn't actually remember the last time I'd thought about my mother, and yet the moment I said it, memories tumbled over each other. My mom's hand gripping mine so tightly as she hauled me into the temple. The little girl with the stubbed toe beside me: Nari. The calm in her eyes even back then, and how it had made me feel a little more brave. The rolling in my gut hadn't stopped, though. I'd known this was a big deal.
All my mother had said was that this would be best, and she meant leaving me in the temple. She'd been young and beautiful. For my entire childhood, she'd told me to stay out of sight, and that the gentlemen wouldn't want to even know I was there. I was pretty sure she'd been a whore, and the men who'd come by were the cruel type. One of them had probably been my father.
