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And there, standing in front of his chair, my father clenched his hands, wringing them with anxiety as his eyes jumped from Zeal to Talin and then back to me. His mouth opened like he wanted to say something, then closed again without a word, but his eyes just hung on mine, looking almost desperate.
"I had to know you were ok, Nariana," he said. "I wasn't even sure if you'd remember my name, but I've counted the years. I've waited, and when they started taking patrons for initiates this year, I was one of the first in line. I just want to talk. I've saved some money, and I know I'm supposed to tithe, but I just..." He reached up to wipe at an eye, then cleared his throat. "I needed to know you're ok."
"Go," Zeal said. "Sit with him, Nari. Listen to him. You deserve this."
I looked over at Talin, not quite sure if I was still looking for an excuse to leave or reassurance that I should stay. Those calm blue eyes met mine, and he tipped his head slightly, making it clear that he stood with me no matter what I wanted - even against Zeal. That calm reassurance helped. Knowing he wasn't judging me made it feel a little easier. The fact that Zeal wasn't trying to tempt me into this, however, was what finally made up my mind.
"I don't remember your name," I admitted, moving to the chair across from him. "You were just 'Papa,' and we give up our last names when we're surrendered."
"Padvir," he mumbled. "Padvir Seward." Then he looked over at Talin. "And you're her guardian?"
"He is," I assured my father. "This is Priest Talin, formerly Talin Ranndor."
Then my father looked at Zeal. "Thank you, Priest. I know you said you'd try, but I don't blame her for wanting to avoid me."
"You still deserve to explain yourself," Zeal said.
I just ducked my head and chuckled. "Papa, he's not a priest."
Zeal moved to caress the back of my head. "That's a long story, Nari. You and Padvir need to start from the beginning. Talin, this is one time you can wait outside. I think that will guard her more than anything else. I'll stay with you."
"You ok with that?" Talin asked me.
I reached up for his hand and squeezed gently. "I am. I'll need you to take me home, though."
"I'm not going further than the door," Talin swore, bending to kiss my brow. "You have all night, Nari. Use it."
The pair of them left, but neither my father nor I said anything. The door closed and an awkward silence still hung between us, but he was looking me over, examining every inch of me - my hair, my clothes, my face, my legs, and more - as if trying to memorize it.
"Why did you come for a session?" I finally asked, breaking the stalemate.
He shifted in his chair, clearly feeling as nervous as I did about this. "I tried to get a message to you when you were younger. The priests told me it would cause problems and wasn't allowed. One reminded me that I'd surrendered you to your god, which meant that I no longer had a tie to you. I needed to know you were ok, though, and this is the only way for a patron to seek out a priestess. When they said I didn't have to, um, fornicate, uh, I decided..." He couldn't even finish the sentence.
"To ask for a session, make it a non-sexual one, and hope that I'd ended up on the Path of the Body," I realized.
"But are you ok?" he asked. "Nariana, I hoped you'd go to Compassion like your siblings. I thought they'd feed you, educate you, and give you the kinds of chances that I never could. When I saw the black on your hands, however, I wanted to take it back. I never intended to make you into a whore."
"I'm not a whore," I assured him. "Papa, I'm Zeal's Chosen." To prove the point, I touched the collar of lace just below my throat. "That man you called a priest? He's not. He's the God of Temptation. He fought for me because I can see him, and I inherited that from you. Most people never notice when he walks among us. The other gods are the same."
"What?" he asked.
I nodded. "We're descended from the very first priestess. The one who cared for all the gods when they were first born. One of your parents could see gods, you can, and now your children can, but Zeal says I'm special. For some reason, the gods need me to help bring back belief in them. I'm sure Merci is training my brothers to do the same, but - "
"No," Papa said, cutting me off. "That's... It's..." He sighed, knowing he was fumbling. Then he reached over and clasped my hands, holding both of them in his. "The moment I saw the black on your hands was when I knew. I always thought you were mine, but that tantrum? That was all the proofIneeded. The others were nothing like me, personality-wise, but you always were. Although, if I'd known before, I would've kept you so you wouldn't have to do this. I don't know how, but I would've found a way. It was easier to let the others go, though. They..." He pulled in a breath, licked his lips, and then blurted out, "They aren't mine."
My head twitched, and I had to replay those words. "What do you mean, Papa? My brothers and sisters - "
"We were so poor," he explained. "Nariana, you don't understand. Ichiago's mine. When your mama got pregnant with him, we were so thrilled. But then the crops failed and we almost lost the farm. She started selling herself to men in town. Every night, she'd lay with a different man, and it killed something inside her. Cesyr and Jeerad came so close together because of it, but more mouths to feed meant more costs, and things got harder instead of easier."
"And you knew about this?" I asked.
He nodded. "We made the decision together, but neither of us knew what it would do to her. Child after child, all from strangers. I loved you kids, and I would've raised you all as my own, but you were all so skinny. Cesyr got sick just as autumn started, but he was eleven. We knew he'd never make it without help, so we took him to the temple. They promised he'd get medicine. Jeerad went the next year."
"You never talked about us once we were gone!" I snapped.
"Your mama couldn't," he admitted. "Hearing your names made her cry. The truth is that I wasn't much better. We tried to tell ourselves that you were in a better place, and the Temple of Compassion? They were learning to be priests! They'd be treated well, living lives so much better than ours. We told ourselves it was for the best." He paused to bite his lips together, his eyes dropping to the floor. "And then the crops failed again. We didn't have food, Nariana. The baby was always hungry and your mama was too skinny to make enough milk. You hadn't eaten in days. I took you to the temple myself, convinced you'd get Compassion like your brothers, but you didn't. I needed that gold coin to feed the rest, but I would've given it back if they'd let me. That priest talked to me, and he said that once the marks are on your skin, the gods won't give you up."
"Zeal," I said. "Papa, that's the same man who was just in here. A god, not a man."
"Is he a good god?" my father asked.
I pulled my father's hands closer to my chest, lifting them so he had to look at me. "No. He's an angry god and a devious one. He's powerful and vengeful and so very loving. He's everything divine and nothing at all, all at the same time. He's also my friend, Papa. He wanted to make me into a tool. Instead, he made me his partner, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I'm the Priestess of Temptation, Zeal's Chosen, and this is exactly where I belong."
"But they make you give yourself to complete strangers!" he huffed.
"No," I soothed. "That's not how it works, Papa. Zeal asks us to help those in need. Sometimes, that's sex. Other times it's by taking a beating. All the times, it's because we're helping him in some way. People deserve to feel things. Not all of those feelings are easy. Love, lust, rage, pride, and so much more. That's what I do. And Papa? I'm good at it."
