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"Which is why I didn't want to say anything," he shot back. "Peyron's cute. He's nice. He's perfect for you, Ela. Can't you see that? My problem isn't anything you've done. It's that I don't feel likeI'mdoing enough. I'm terrified that one day you're going to wake up and realize that you could have more than me. You already have Nari, and where you go, so does she."
"And so do you," I reminded him. "Talin, I am in love withyou. Not Peyron."
"You could be, though," he said softly. "Fuck, you probably should be. He's brilliant. Naked, he looks like a work of art. Watching you undress him was one of the most sensual things I've ever seen, and I work with Nari! I'm not trying to tell you to stay away from him. I'm just..." He paused to let out a heavy sigh. "I'm trying to figure out why you picked me. The problem is that I keep coming up with nothing."
"Because you're beautiful," I told him. "You're sensual, powerful, and loyal. Because you never make me feel like I'm too much - or too little. When I crash, you're always right there to hold me. With Peyron, I knew you had Nari. I didn't have to worry about her because she was in your arms, and I knew you'd give her everything. You'd make sure she felt good. I could focus on our duty - "
"He's more than a duty," Talin countered.
Which was when I had to stop. He was right. Peyron was more than a duty. I did like the guy. I wanted to fuck him again, and I'd thought of plenty of things we could do with him. Peyron on his knees, sucking me off while Talin fucked me. Peyron pressed against a wall while I fucked him so hard. Nari holding him down while she had her way with his sexy little body. And yet, in all of the fantasies, Talin was right there, a part of us just like he'd been that night.
Maybe it was with him watching. Sometimes, I imagined him helping. A few of the scenarios had Nari on the sidelines while Talin and I worked as a team for once, but that was the thing. Being with Peyron removed the false restrictions we were bound by. When we were with Peyron, the five of us could be us. We could forget for a moment that we were still initiates, and we could finally be one in our own way.
"You're right," I told Talin. "Peyron started as a fantasy back when being a Priest of the Body was what I thought I wanted most. Then he became a way to prove to Nari that this would work. Now, he's a patron I trust. He's a chance for me to bend the rules without having to hurt someone, Talin. That's why I pulled you in. That's why I kissed you, because I wanted to make it clear thatyouare my man. Nari is my woman. Pey's just a guy who gets my dick hard. You're the one who makes my heart race."
He focused on cutting his steak, but I saw a smile on his lips. "I've never been mad about him, Ela," he assured me. "My problem is that I do have insecurities."
"Where?" I asked.
He laughed once. "I have them. My first boyfriend cheated on me, remember? Girls made it clear that they wanted me for my family's money. My father wanted me to make him proud, my brother wanted me to not shame our name. The only people who've ever cared about me for me? That's us. You, Nari, Wraythe, and even Anver. Zeal! I've always had consequences held over my head, and evidently, it stuck. I know I have to be..." He paused.
"Be what?" I asked.
Talin just pushed his plate back. "Perfect," he mumbled. "I have to be good enough to keep Nari safe, strong enough to hold you when you break, soft enough to get close to Wraythe. I have to be perfect, and I've done nothing but give you shit about that for months now. It hurts being on the other side, and yes, I've been telling myself that I know better, but it's not easy."
"But you are perfect," I said, reaching across the table for his hand. "Don't you get that?"
"I'm really not," he said softly.
"You are to me," I promised. "Talin, I don't need you to always be right. That would be a flaw in my eyes. I don't need you to always be the strongest. That would bore me. I need you to just be you. To hold my eyes when I'm balls deep in another man and make me feel like I still mean something. I needyou, not the Baron's brother, not my partner's guardian, and not the elite swordsman or whatever you're trying to be this time. I need the guy who clung to me so tightly that first night. The one who made me feel like there was strength in letting go. The man who keeps my fucking mind from diving into the abyss all the time!"
"Oh, Ela," Talin breathed, pushing his chair back just to make his way around the table. "I love you. I swear I'm not going anywhere. I just don't want to get in your way. You and Nari deserve Peyron, ok? He's a pretty little thing for you to play with, and I get that. This? What we have? It's never been about fucking. It's not about hard dicks or soft kisses. It's about..." His breath hitched, so he grabbed my hand and swallowed. "It's about me trying to take care of you the way you take care of the rest of us. I'm just trying to keep up."
"No," I said, turning in my seat to face him. "No comparing. No competitions. I don't want to be a thing you manage, and neither does Nari. I know you try, just like when you said you'll call off her sessions before she gets worried. That's who you are, and it's why I love you. But here's the part you missed. Peyron? I don't want to just share him with Nari. I want to share him with you too. I want to let Wraythe watch as we all make our girl feel so good. I want to give Anver a show. I like Peyron because he's more than a patron, but less than a lover. He's safe. He's sexy. He's one of the things we can all share."
"You want to share him with me?" Talin's brow creased. "Ela, he's not a pet."
"He'd like to be a pet," I joked. "But I think of him more as a fuck buddy. He's a friend I can stick my dick in. Like Harlin, but sexier, you know?"
"But not one of us," Talin realized.
I just shook my head. "No. The five of us are my world. Peyron? He's the moon. He orbits closely. He comes, he goes, and sometimes I won't even notice him. He's always there, willing to let me look at him, but he'll never be a part of this world we've made for ourselves."
"In orbit," Talin said. "I kinda like that analogy."
"Still jealous?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Not really. Still insecure about how I got this lucky, but I think that's because I'm trying to listen to my own advice. I'm trying to let down my walls and show you my flaws. I'm just scared shitless that you'll decide you're done with me."
"Won't happen," I promised him. "I mean, you and Nari have one of the strongest bonds I've ever - "
"No," he interrupted. "Not her, Ela. I've never been worried about her. She's mine, and Zeal put her soul under my skin. I will not lose her. Even if she stops loving me, I'll still have her, and I'll still be able to care for her. You're different."
I just caught his face and lifted it toward mine. "My soul is under there too, Talin. Yours is on my back. I can fucking feel it when you sleep. That soft warmth that lets me know you're still with us. Somewhere on your body, there's a piece of me, and I'm never taking it back. I don't want it. I gave it to you, and it's my fucking lifeline."
Talin touched the front of his left shoulder, just under his collar bone. "I think it's here. That's the part that feels cold right now, as if you're worried I'm going to change my mind."
"Yeah," I breathed.
