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“You will, one day. For now, everything is going to feel like darkness. The price to pay for being here is pain.” She paused, glancing up at the ceiling as if she could see another world I couldn’t. “If I’m honest with you, I’d rather be here, with all the imperfection and suffering than all-knowing and perfect where there’s no hurt. I love being alive, well, some form of that at least, and while it may be agony sometimes, it’s so gratifying. I love walking out the door in the morning, never knowing what might happen. If I was gone from here, I would miss the bad times too because it makes me love harder. I never take a thing for granted because death exists, and in its aching grasp, I feel everything. I live for that, Olivia, to feel deeply, and I know you do too. So be angry, scream at the sky and cry yourself to sleep, but don’t you dare wish for death. Not yet, not when there’s a world of wonder out there for your soul to experience.”
I wanted to believe her words, to let them make me feel better, but I couldn’t allow myself to have hope. Not when my heart felt so heavy, and every shard of trust I had in the people I loved was broken. “That’s your world, Erianna, not mine.”
“It’s everyone’s world.”
“There’s a difference. You have purpose and friends here. I have no one.” Tears fell in thick droplets before I could stop them. “I can’t even use my powers properly. I’m worthless.”
“No.” She shook her head, sandwiching my hands between hers. “You’re afraid and hurt, but not worthless. Do you know why I like you?”
I shook my head.
“You have a fight, and hope, inside of you. I saw it from the moment I met you, and I know what that can turn into. So give yourself a chance before you give up. You might surprise yourself.”
“I don’t even know anything about my life, really. Sebastian brought me here last night, and I haven’t spoken to him since.”
“Go talk to him,” she urged. “You can still go to the castle. He told me of your plan, and don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for you having to pretend to be his betrothed.”
I almost smiled, but depression snatched it away first. “I don’t know.”
“Why not? Find your mom, then you can be pissed at her, and as for Draven, he may still be alive. They have mortals at the castle too. They use them as servants, guards, and for food. Plus, Hamza’s there, and you can always get revenge.”
“I don’t know.”
“Go talk to Sebastian. He’ll tell you everything now you know who you really are. Also, I prefer Olivia to Seraphina.”
I took the coffee, sipping it as it soothed my scratchy throat. “Thank you for being kind.”
“Always, and when you said you have no one here, you were wrong. You have me. We may not know each other that well yet, but you can call me a friend. I promise I will not lie to you again.”
“I believe you.”
“You know”—she moved back, giving me space—“you and Seb are more similar than either of you would ever believe.”
“I’m nothing like him.”
“Hmm.” She smiled at the floor. “Get dressed and come down for some food. Seb had some sandwiches made. I know he’s not the easiest to understand, but he’s trying.”
“Thanks, Erianna.”
I faltered when I reached the bottom step and saw Astor’s girlfriend standing in the open front door with Sebastian. Great, another thing to ruin an already terrible day.
“Don’t embarrass yourself, Gwen.” Sebastian leaned coolly against the doorframe. “I’ve told you before, I’m not interested.”
She flushed red, which I didn’t even think was possible for a vampire. “I’m not here for you.” She scowled, turning her head in my direction. “Astor came by to speak to her. I want to know why.”
He looked over his shoulder at me, but I glared directly at her. “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend that?” I said between gritted teeth as I walked to join them.
She ran her hand through her platinum-blonde waves, and her glacier-blue eyes shone under the afternoon sun, emitting a red-orange hue behind her. “Because I didn’t believe his answer. He’s hiding something, and I want to know what.”
Sebastian answered, bringing her attention back to him. “You’re always so paranoid.”
“Don’t taunt me.” Her voice rose an octave, and her posture straightened. “I came here as a courtesy before getting the order involved.”
Sebastian stiffened. They were the last people we wanted in our business. She didn’t know that I was Ravena’s daughter, and while I should have been grateful to Astor for not outing me, I couldn’t be. He still gave up all his friends and my mom. I only hoped whatever tatters of loyalty he had left for me remained until I got my mom back and got out of here.
I took a step forward. “Astor and I used to date,” I said, stating the obvious. “He came to apologize to me for letting me think he was dead and to tell me that he’s with you now. That this is his new life and to leave him to it.”
The jealousy swarming in her eyes calmed. Had I leashed the monster?
