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My throat grew thick as I spoke, but I forced my way through it. The words scraped against my raw throat, cutting deep as they finally came free. I sniffed hard, trying to keep myself together as the pain of feeling like I had been abandoned resurfaced. I pulled into the parking lot of the Summerville Cancer Care Center, but Michael still hadn't seemed to notice. When I parked and shut off the car, he finally looked atme.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," hebegan.
"Stop." I held up a hand. "Did you just hear yourself?" I gritted my teeth against the pain blossoming in my chest. Tears threatened to overwhelm me, but I kept them at bay by sheer force ofwill.
"'I'm sorry you feel that way,’” I repeated. “Do you even know what that sounds like? That sounds like you're not sorry at all. That sounds like you're irritated that I feel the way I do. Well, fuck you, Michael. My feelings are valid. You abandoned me and then you show back up in my life because a stranger—a fucking stranger, Michael!—sends you an email about where I'm living. You're not here because you care. You're here because you feel guilty again, and if you’re looking for someone to absolve you of your guilt, I’m not the fuckinggirl.”
I took the keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, slamming the door shut behind me as I made my way to the sidewalk. Michael still wasn't done, though. He got out as well and followed afterme.
"I'm sorry I stopped calling!" he called afterme.
I paused and turned to face him. "Why?" I demanded, hands on myhips.
"Why did I stop calling?" heclarified.
"Sure, I'd like to know that too," I amended, "but I'd also like to know why youthinkyou'resorry."
Michael dropped his gaze away from mine—perhaps the heat of my anger was too much. “I know I left you to deal with her,” he began. “I was a teenager and I didn’t know what to do. So, I took the only way out that I had. I went to college, I worked my ass off to get a job, and honestly…” He trailed off, but I could guess what his reasoningwas.
“Out of sight, out of mind, hmmm?” Isaid.
He stiffened but didn’t deny it. I sighed. “Michael,” I said a bit gentler. “I’m not mad that you left me. I’m mad that you left and youstayed away,and now you think you can just appear back in my life and pretend like it neverhappened.”
“I’m not pretending like it never happened,” he saiddefensively.
“Oh, you’re not?” I challenged, the gentleness fading from my tone. “So, it’s normal then for my brother to walk into my life and order me around? Myadultlife, Michael, mind you, because whether you admit it or not, Iaman adult now. Yes, I understand eighteen doesn’t seem very adult to most of the world, but I’ve had to take care of myself for the better part of the last few years. I may be your little sister, but I’m not achild.”
“Listen,” Michael put his hand out—a gesture of peace. I wasn’t feeling particularly peaceful, but I let him continue without stopping him. He still didn’t seem to notice where we were. He was far too focused on me. I edged a step back on the sidewalk. “I know it probably seems like I’m just here because of Teddi, but I’m here for you. I was already thinking of coming back. I knew you were doing better, I didn’t want to disrupt that, but I wanted to see you. Then when I got thatemail—”
“You what? Realized youreallywanted to see me?” I shook my head. I didn’t sound like myself. I rarely got this angry. I felt a little bit like I had picked up some bad habits—like the sarcasm escaping my lips was pulled directly from Grayson and that thought sent another ricochet of pain through my heart. “Michael, I’m not leaving the guys. I have a job. I love them and if you can’t accept that, I’m sorry. But there is nothing you can do or say that will change my mind and if you keep trying, well, I’ve lived without you for some time now…I don’t needyou.”
I turned and strode towards the front entrance of the Cancer Care Center. I could hear Michael’s footsteps against the concrete as he followed. I paused as the front doors slid open and an older couple exited the building, nodding their heads at me politely in the way that all southerners were ingrained with. I nodded back and continued on as Michael trailed behindme.
“Harlow, please—” He stopped. He must have realized where we were, or perhaps he was confused, because when I looked back, he was looking around with furrowed brows. “Where arewe?”
“We’re where I come to for advice,” I said as I bypassed the lobby and receptionist desk. Marie, one of the part-time receptionists there that I had met before, lifted her hand in welcome and, like I had done with the older couple before, I nodded at her before continuing on. She was a bit more lenient than some of the others that worked there, especially with regular visitors like me. She usually let me sign in and out when I left, but she did raise an eyebrow at Michael as he followed along behindme.
“What?” Michael caught up to me, striding alongside me—that look of confusion still etched across his features. I shook my head. He would find out soonenough.
I took a turn that led towards the residential area of the Care Center, where long term patients were housed. Michael must have finally realized something because as soon as I reached Mom’s door, he stopped, reaching out and grabbing my arm in a vice-like grip. But by that point, I was done playing nice. I turned—the way Knix and Bellamy had taught me—and ripped my arm out of his grip, deftly snatching his wrist and pinning his behind hisback.
“Don’t ever try to stop me from seeing my mom,” I said in a low voice before I released him just as quickly. I stepped back and he turned, blinking at me in shock. “If you don’t want to see her, you don’t have to,” I said. “But now that she’s being properly medicated, she’s not the sameperson.”
“Harlow, I don’t think that I…” Michael stepped back, as though the open doorway leading into my mom’s room was the entrance to a world that might change everything for him. I honestly didn’t want to push him, but here was the opportunity. I brought him. It was his turn to make thechoice.
“It’s okay,” I said, answering his unspoken question. “If you’re uncomfortable with coming in, you can wait out here. I wasn’t planning on staying long. Just sit over there.” I gestured to a seating area across the way next to one of the nurses' stations. “I’ll be outsoon.”
And with that, I left him standing in the hallway and entered the room, steeling myself for whateverhappened.
* * *
Mom was dozing lightlywhen I entered the room, the soft glow of the television mounted to the wall throwing strange shades of blue and white over her face and the wall. I sighed—even if Michael decided to come in, he might lose his chance to talk to her. I moved across the room quietly, reaching for the remote and turned the screen off. As soon as the noise from the old sitcom rerun was halted, however, Mom started and lifted her head, a little string of drool crusting the edge of hermouth.
“Harlow?” she mumbledsleepily.
I smiled at her. “Sorry,” I said, “did I wakeyou?”
“Hmmm? Oh, no, dear.” I knew she was being polite, but still, I felt a little bad. She looked rather exhausted today, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun and dark circles underlining her eyes. She blinked and looked to the half closed curtains. “Will you open those for me,sweetie?”
