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“I’m sorry,” I moaned. “I’m so sorry.”
I was confused about why I’d ever said it—my heart hurt more than it had before the words had come out, and still, Adrian was pacing across the small space and questioningwhyI’d said it.
“You’re drunk,” Adrian clarified. “You’re drunk and you’re lonely, and in the morning, you’re going to regret all of this. You don’t—youcan’tlove me, Stevie.”
He didn’t get it, that I’d been feeling all of that before I’d downed the beer. I suddenly felt sick at the thought of it, and before he could stop me, I walked out of the on-call room. If he wanted to pretend I’d never been there, I could do that. I marched in as straight a line as I could manage and headed through the ER and out into the ambulance bay. Adrian caught up to me there, and his eyes weren’t the dark pools of water I had wanted to fall into; they were dark and stormy. They matched the sky overhead, and it occurred to me just how much I hated the month of April for the rain it brought.
“Let me take you home,” Adrian said. “You’re drunk and it’s not safe.”
I could tell he wasn’t going to let it go, so I shook my head.
“I’ll call a taxi,” I insisted. “You can’t leave the ER and only have interns and residents in charge just because I drank too much.”
“Promise me you’ll call a car,” he demanded.
I nodded, unable to form the words to lie to him. Rain started falling on us.
“Go back inside, Adrian,” I said quietly.
He did as I asked, without so much as a goodbye. I meant so little to him that he didn’t even say goodbye. My heart cracked cleanly down the middle, and I wondered what I would do without my heart. Maybe I’d get an artificial one. Could you still feel heartbreak if your heart was made of metal and plastic? It seemed like a glorious oblivion if you couldn’t.
I walked out of the ambulance bay and down the road, letting the tears finally fall freely and mix with the rain that was quickly drenching me. It wasn’t that late—maybe nine p.m. and traffic was steady. The lights blurred through the tears, and I waited at a crosswalk, just observing their shattered images. I hated that particular crossing. It was long, with a light that was too short, and the streetlights just beyond it always confused me. I saw the amber of a green traffic light changing to a stop, and I thought it was my cue to walk.
I stepped out into the road.
Heard the horn.
Turned.
And then, I was on the ground. I heard shouting, but none of it mattered. The pain wasn’t just in my chest anymore, it was everywhere. Darkness crept up the sides of my vision, and it was all too easy to let it overwhelm me.
What was the point in fighting anyway?
Chapter Sixteen
Adrian
Iwas ready for my shift to end.
The whole situation with Stevie had left me with a sour taste in my mouth. I was angry with her for ruining my ignorance. When I could pretend she didn’t love me, Melissa was enough. Melissa should have been enough. She was everything I had ever thought I’d wanted, honest and loving, but fierce and strong. She knew her job and was damn good at it. She was sexy as hell and knew that all relationships require compromise. Sure, maybe we weren’t each other’s first choice, but I could see myself falling for her eventually. I knew she felt the same. She was someone I could settle down with, maybe have those grandkids my dad was desperate for. Make my mom proud from the afterlife.
God, she should have been enough.
And yet, there was a girl with too much alcohol in her system that just had to ruin it all. Just had to make me think, for just a moment, that things could have been different. Stevie couldn’t settle down. She had years of residency left, maybe a fellowship if she wanted one. She wouldn’t want to bring kids into that chaos; she wouldn’t want to get married. I was skeptical she’d even want to move in together.
But God, I loved her. I knew it with every fiber of my being. It was impossible to deny it like I’d been trying. I was attracted to her entire being like a damn magnet, and after I’d yelled at her for springing her own feelings on me, I’d felt like I was suffocating. I never wanted to make her unhappy.
I checked my phone every spare minute, waiting for a text that I knew would probably never come. She had no reason to let me know she got home safe, but it didn’t stop me from panicking. The moment my shift was over, I stripped off the gloves and apron I was wearing and stepped into the ambulance bay to get a breath of fresh air.
The lights bounced off the walls, and I wondered if I should gown up to help with the incoming trauma. The ER team had excused me and thanked me for all my help. They’d be fine alone. Still, I stayed where I was, the morbid curiosity that accompanied my profession making me wonder what the incident was. Probably just an elderly person that had fallen.
The doors burst open, and I met the trauma team as they came out the door. There were several of them, and I knew instantly that things were more serious than just a fall.
“Twenty-four-old-female,” the EMTs explained. “Struck while crossing the road by a car. Conscious at the time of impact but lost consciousness minutes after. Unresponsive to verbal stimuli. BP 80/57. Heart rate 120. Suspected multiple fractures to the left side, punctured lung, potential tension pneumothorax. Bruising mainly on the left side of the body; at risk for internal bleeding.”
“Shit,” an intern I knew as Dr. Green hissed, “that’sStevie.”
Everything in me froze. My breath cut short, and my brain whited out.
