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My hands were clasped behind his back, holding him to me as we made out. He kissed down my neck and I let out a small whimper when he bit me lightly. I knew where this could go, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Of course, from the moment I’d met him, I wanted nothing more than for Julian to be the one to take my virginity, but not like this, not here, not with the huge issue of Hannah still floating over us. I pulled back, my eyes on his, his hands on my hips, and our bodies connecting in a way that made it hard to think straight.
“I can’t,” I croaked, my voice hoarse, “Not like this.”
Julian seemed to come to his senses, and he pushed me off of him, shaking his head.
“I’m sorry,” he growled, and it wasn’t a growl of want, but one of anger, “I can’t do this, I just can’t.”
He left, and I stayed on the sofa, watching the place where he’d sat, wondering how I could fuck up everything in my life quite so magnificently.
Chapter Eleven
Julian
Iwas an idiot of astronomical proportions.
The next day, I sat in my office and got absolutely nothing done. I was right when I said that having Evelyn in the house would be bad for my productivity, but I had never expected to be rejected so thoroughly. I could see in her eyes that she thought kissing me was a huge mistake, and I knew it had been my fault for initiating. It was the same thing I had been telling myself not to do.
“Don’t engage in acts that could be construed as sexual harassment or a power play, I said,” I repeated to myself angrily, “don’t make a move on her and make her uncomfortable,I said.”
The simple fact that I had ignored all of this was a big red flag as to my own character, and I hated myself for it. I hated the look in her eyes that said I’d done something wrong, but most of all, I hated that the memory of kissing her was still a pleasurable one. I still reacted in a physical way when I remembered the feeling of her skin under my hands and the weight of her on my lap.
I stood up, gathered all the papers on my desk into a folder, filed them away, and left the office. I went for a walk—something I hadn’t done in a while. I would have preferred the views of Central Park, but that would take me too close to my own home for comfort, so I wandered the streets, heading roughly in the direction of the Empire State Building. I had to find a solution. I only narrowly stopped Evelyn from slipping through my fingers once, and I couldn’t let it happen again. If I made her uncomfortable in her own home—my home—then she’d have nowhere to go, no job, and she’d still end up back in Oregon. Hannah might actually kill me for that. I had to learn to keep my feelings to myself.
The weather was getting colder. I wrapped my coat around me and hoped that I wouldn’t be stuck inside too much over the winter. It would definitely make things harder between Evelyn and me. Even if she forgave me for my transgression the night before. I let out a growl that had the people around me giving me strange looks. I was in trouble, and I wished, more than ever, that I could ask Ruth what I should do. Of course, I knew that my Ruth wouldn’t even recognize me. She knew the humble boy that had dreams about drawing for a living, not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company that had more space and money than he knew what to do with.
I stopped at a bench and sat, just watching people pass me. Evelyn was at home right now, doing God knows what. I shouldn’t have even gone into work, given that it was a Sunday. Usually, I’d stay at home and read, maybe swim, or garden. I’d love nothing more than to curl up with Evelyn and finish the film we were watching the night before. In my perfect world, that would be our Sunday. Maybe we’d spend time with Hannah, have brunch or go somewhere for the day. Of course, Hannah and Evelyn would still be friends, and they’d giggle over ridiculous things while I smiled and pretended not to be interested. There’d be Christmases and Thanksgivings and birthdays and anniversaries, and I’d make her feel soloved. I would never let her go back to Oregon, and I would work every day to banish the memories of a childhood that I suspected wasn’t a happy one. I’d tell her about Ruth, and IknewRuth would like her.
I stood, and let my feet take me back to my office. I couldn’t help thinking of all of these scenarios now, with my imagination running away from me. I saw her next to me, holding my hand as we walked Times Square. Her eyes watching the snowfall with wonder. I could imagine her loving the snow—the gentle way it smothered the earth. I’d finally build a snowman and see what all the fuss was about. When I re-entered my office, I could see her lounging on the sofa there, complaining about her studying or looking over my designs for a second opinion. But then, intrusively, my mind conjured an image of Hannah bursting in, her face twisted into that rageful scowl I’d seen a handful of times. I saw the argument that would take place, with Evelyn flying off the sofa and trying to explain. I wouldn’t know how to handle it. I’d been lucky in life so far because I had such a wonderful daughter, but that didn’t mean she’d be happy about us. Briefly, I saw Evelyn in a white dress, beautiful beyond belief, with flowers in her hands, but incredible sadness in her eyes. In my mind’s eye, there was an obvious gap where her maid of honor should have stood, where my daughter should have stood.
The offices were empty, so my scream of frustration went unheard. I paced my office, growling, and grumbling about the unfairness of the world. I swept all the papers off my desk, letting out a yell that released a little of the tension I’d built up over the last fourteen years. I could never show my sadness or frustration, and it was too much. I had held it all back, and now it was coming out, because it was so damn unfair that I lost so much when Ruth died, only to lose Evelyn as well. I kicked the sofa in my office. It felt good. I knocked over the coffee table, which made me feel better. I watched the green apples from the fruit bowl that Fran had carefully arranged go rolling, stopping at the walls. I kept going, pulling frames from the walls and upending the entirety of my perfectly kept office.
I don’t know how long it was before I stood in the middle of it all, panting as I looked around at the devastation surrounding me. Tears had fallen at some point while I made a mess, and I touched them with a curious hand. Crying wasn’t something I did often. I kept a stoic attitude even through the death of my wife, but now it looked like a nineteen-year-old might be the end of that.
My eruption was over, and it felt good to have finally released some of the tension. My hands were still shaking, but I put them to use tidying up. I (thankfully) hadn’t crumpled any of the really important work, but it was still a pain to clean up. I pulled a couple of my certificates from their broken frames, and laid them carefully on the righted coffee table, sticking a note on them saying I needed new frames. I picked up the apples and arranged them in a way that would make Fran proud. I was all but done, sweeping up the glass I’d smashed, when something that had slipped under the edge of the sofa caught my eye.
I pulled it out, and Ruth was staring at me. It was the same picture I’d mulled over a thousand times. Her eyes seemed reproachful this time though like she could know that I had found an opportunity to move on and hadn’t taken it.
“It’s not that simple, Ruthie,” I argued with her ghost, “You wouldn’t want me to hurt Hannah, any more than you’d want me to be alone. I’ve been alone for so long that it feels natural - betraying Hannah doesn’t.”
I slid the photo onto the coffee table next to the certificates and hoped privately that wherever Ruth was, she was proud of me.
The office looked as clean as it could get, and I watched the sun go down from the window behind my desk. I had to go home. I was glad I had my breakdown in my office, and not where anyone could have seen it. I locked up and hailed a taxi. The whole ride home, I wondered what I would say to Evelyn when I got back. I hadn’t been able to face her since I’d kissed her. I noticed that I had always been the one to initiate, and then always the one to pull away. It wasn’t fair of me, and I knew I had to make amends. It wasn’t Evelyn’s fault, and as mature as she seemed, I had to remind myself of her age. My being so abrupt and dismissive could definitely hurt her ?—regardless of her age, but especially because Hannah had let it slip that she wasn’t very successful in love.
When I got to the house though, and like the coward I was, I didn’t seek out Evelyn. It was getting late, and I decided I’d take one of Andrew’s sandwiches up to my living room for dinner. I was on edge. I had no idea what to do next. I turned on the television, set the sandwich on the table, and looked at neither of them for the next hour. Instead, I stared straight ahead, at the space between the mantlepiece and the fireplace, and my mind just blanked. Eventually, I got up, stuck the sandwich in the mini-fridge, and went to my room. I knew I probably slammed the door harder than necessary, but I didn’t have the mental capacity to care at that moment. I lay, fully clothed, on top of my carefully made bed, and just stared at the ceiling. Even when I heard knocking, I ignored it, figuring it was just Hannah asking for my opinion on something. That or giving me her usual speech about how unfair I was being by treating her friend so badly. That had caused more than a few arguments, and I knew that if I opened the door, I’d end up telling her the truth. Telling her that the reason I was so mean was because I was in love with her friend would not go over well. I let her knock, and as I predicted, eventually she left.
I stayed in the darkness, my mind feeling like the mess I had made in my office.
Chapter Twelve
Evelyn
Iheard the slam of his door below us, and my whole body shook.
Hannah was getting ready for bed, and looked over to me with a quirked eyebrow. I tried to straighten out my expression and shrugged in what I hoped was a nonchalant way.
“Guess he’s in a mood,” Hannah said, “Weird.”
“Weird?” I asked.
