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“Was he?” I asked nonchalantly. “It was nice that we were all laughing and everything.”
“Yeah, but…” she sighed, “I don’t know… he’s rarely ever like that, and when he is, I want him to stay like that, but then he’ll get a lot of work, or Mom’s anniversary will roll around, and he changes back. It’s like he locks himself up inside all this grief about Mom, and I just can’t reach him. He used to be fun, you know?”
“How do you mean?”
“When I was little, before the accident with Mom and everything, he used to be a real family man. He worked from home, so he looked after me a lot. On his days off we’d go to zoos or parks. We’d do all the things kids are supposed to like fly kites and ride bikes and go sledding in the winter. Just because I was an accident didn’t mean I wasn’t wanted.”
She rolled towards me on her chair and flipped her phone over to show me a picture of her father and her. Hannah, of course, was adorable, with her black hair in long braids and her bright blue eyes sparkling with mischief. Julian looked younger. I knew he was sixteen when Hannah was born, and she looked about four in the picture. At only twenty, Julian was very handsome. His light hair flopped over his forehead, and his wide smile betrayed just how much he doted on his daughter. He had his arms over her, and they were stood next to a sign that said ‘orangutans’. I had never seen Julian so casual, in a ratty t-shirt and ripped jeans. He looked like every student I knew now. Hannah was dressed perfectly though, in a red t-shirt covered by blue overalls. There was so much love in the picture, and I figured Hannah’s mother must have taken it. I wondered what it would feel like to be in that position, to see him standing with our daughter, on a day out, eyes as wide and bright and filled with love much as I’d ever seen.
Then I told myself that I was getting ahead of myself. I had only just told the man I loved him. We had onlyjustslept together. Considering such an intense future wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t even know if he wanted kids. Hell, I didn’t even know ifIwanted kids. I had no idea how to parent. Even my own loving mother hadn’t really gotten the chance to. I knew I wanted everything that picture represented, but I didn’t know if I could have it. Then my brain did the delightful job of reminding me that the little girl with pigtails in the picture was sitting in front of me, nineteen years old, and my best friend. The man I wanted a future with was her father. I plastered a grin on my face and looked up at her.
“That’s too cute,” I said, and Hannah smiled.
“Yeah… I kind of wish I could still have those days. Not just because obviously my mom would be alive, but because of everything else.” Hannah’s eyes were sad. “I know you struggle with money, and it’s rich to be saying this, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Honestly, we had enough to live on before. I’d rather have my dad spend time with me than have designer clothes and the latest technology.”
I knew what she meant. When I was young, it wasn’t the lack of new clothes or having to steal food to survive that really hurt. It was my father not caring what happened to me when everything I saw on TV and at my school gates said he should have been the person to care the most.
“I get it, I wished for the same,” I replied.
I wondered what had changed, and was sure it couldn’t only have been me. There was more going on with Julian, and I wanted to know what.
Julian and I didn’t get any time together for a while after that. We mostly lived in stolen touches. His hand would graze mine as he passed me food at the dinner table, or he’d stroke my face when we were alone in the kitchen. Andrew would smile when he saw us sat next to each other, talking over a cup of coffee. We couldn’t be too open with our affection though, because of Hannah. As her father became more open and loving towards her, she spent more time with him. Neither of them really spoke about it, but seeing them spend time together was enough.
One night, Hannah texted that she would be home late, saying she was joining a study group in the library. I figured it would be nice to spend some time with Julian, maybe watch a movie or go for a swim. I wandered around the house, looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found. I was losing hope and thinking he might have gone out when Andrew found me. He was grinning and asked me to follow him. I did so, confused. He led me down to the kitchen, where Julian was smiling, waiting for me.
“Thank you, Andrew,” he grinned before dismissing the man.
“What are you doing?” I asked Julian with a smile.
“Tonight, we are cooking dinner. I gave everyone the night off, so we have the place to ourselves. Hannah won’t be back until eleven.”
I surged forward and hugged him. He had planned a night for us. I had never been romanced before, but I figured it looked something like this. Julian tilted my head up so he could kiss me. It was long, slow, and sweet. The desperation was almost gone, only a hint of it left because of the time between our stolen kisses.
“I love you,” he whispered, and I hummed.
“I love you too,” I responded, smiling into another kiss.
I remembered Hannah saying her dad loved to cook, and she wasn’t wrong.
“We’re making risotto tonight,” Julian said, pulling away.
He put on an apron, over his suit pants and white shirt, and then placed one over my head. He reached around me and crossed the strings behind my back, before pulling them back to the front. He tied it in a bow and pecked my lips before backing away.
“Risotto?” I blanched. “I, um, I can’t cook…”
It was almost a whisper. Risotto sounded hard.
Julian tilted his head, a curious look on his face, before smacking his forehead with his palm like he was some bad actor.
“Of course, you can’t!” he exclaimed. “You never really had the chance to learn, huh?”
I shook my head.
“Before I moved in here, I kind of lived off instant ramen and mac and cheese.”
Julian rolled his eyes.
“That isnota nutritious and delicious way to live, Evelyn!” he cried.
