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Then, I started to think about my job and how this whole thing could put my career in jeopardy. Not just because I would have another living being to take care of, but also because David might be really unhappy to hear this news. If we fought, I might end up being fired. Then I would be alone, pregnant, and without a reliable source of income.
I would be destitute!
Sucking in a sharp breath, I stood up out of my chair and started pacing back and forth. It was too much. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I couldn’t do this alone. I just couldn’t.
Tears fell from my eyes, and I tried to calm myself down but nothing was working. I decided I could probably use some food, so I wiped my face off with the sleeve of my sweater and walked with my head down towards the break room. There, I found Matt making coffee and chatting on the phone.
“Yeah buddy,” he said. “I just talked to David and Adam and it’s all set up… I’m excited too. When you get home from school start packing up your stuff, I just have a couple more emails to send and then I’ll be there, and I’ll help you look for the tent in the garage, okay? … Sounds good. See ya later.” He hung up and spotted me standing there, awkwardly. “Oh, hey, Lily. I didn’t know you were here.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Sorry. I didn’t want to interrupt your phone call.” I pointed to the cupboards above his head. “I just came in to get a snack.”
“Oh yeah, of course.” He stepped aside, grabbed his coffee, and motioned for me to go ahead and get whatever I wanted. I opened the cupboard and started rifling through the bags of chips and cookies, all the while waiting to hear Matt’s footsteps taking him out into the hallway. But he didn’t leave. “Is everything okay?” he asked after a bit.
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “Everything is great. I’m happy it’s Friday, but I think I’m going to stay late to get some work done. Looks like it’s cookies for dinner!” I held up a bag of chocolate chip cookies. “Not that I’m complaining.”
He laughed. “Well, that’s good to hear. Because when I first saw you, it sort of looked like you might have just been… crying?”
“Crying?” I frowned at him. “What? No way. What would I be crying about?”
“You tell me.”
I opened the cookies and popped one in my mouth, trying to act casual. “I just got some mascara in my eye,” I lied. “You have no idea how painful that can be. But anyway, enough about that. What about you, got any big weekend plans, or are you staying late too?” I just wanted to think about literallyanythingelse than what was going on in my life, so I was glad when he took the bait.
“I’m actually leaving early,” he said. “My son and I are going camping with Adam and David.”
“That’s great,” I said, trying not to make any sudden facial expressions at the mention of David’s name. “I’m sure you will all have a wonderful time.”
“I hope so,” he said. “We haven’t gone camping or backpacking in a long time, and I’ve never taken Will, which is a shame. I think he’ll enjoy it though, and hopefully, this is indicative of things to come.” He eyed me suspiciously. “I think it’ll be good for David to get some time away from everything, you know?”
“Sure, yeah,” I said, but as I did, my voice cracked. I put the bag of cookies down and put a hand on my chest. The panic attack was coming back, and this time, it was coming on a hell of a lot stronger than it had the first time. I drew in a few breaths, but it didn’t feel like my lungs were filling at all. Finally, I leaned back against the counter, let my head fall forward, and began to cry.
“Oh my God,” Matt said. He came to my side and put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” I said. “Everything is so,sowrong. Everything is so messed up, and I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
“Okay, well, er—” He looked around as if he was going to pass me off to someone else to support me, but there was no one else around, so he ended up taking on the job himself. He told me to sit down in a nearby chair, and he took a seat in the one next to me. Then, he told me to take a few deep breaths in and out, and he did them along with me. “There you go. Now keep doing that. Keep breathing in and breathing out. Breath in, now out. Good, that’s good.”
I started to feel a little better over time, and soon I was able to get full sentences out again. I laughed softly. “I’m sorry,” I said. “That was dramatic, wasn’t it? I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. I haven’t had a panic attack like that in a long time. Since I was a kid.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “My son has had a few.”
I nodded. “I thought you seemed a little too good at calming me down.” We both chuckled, then he leaned forward and looked me in the eye.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked.
I opened my mouth, then closed it. Then, I spoke. “I would,” I said. “Or, I will, but first, can you just answer a question for me?”
“Sure.”
“Why is David so mad at me?”
He frowned. “Is he mad at you?”
I drew back. “I mean, I just assumed he was. He’s been avoiding me for weeks. I have no idea what I did. I don’t know how much he’s told you about… us… but I assume you know at least the basics. We had something going on, something I thought was going pretty good, and then that day that he screamed at your dad and then catered lunch and got a dog—” I laughed. “Geez. That was a wild day.”
“Reallywild,” he agreed.
“Anyway, that day he just randomly started ignoring me. I haven’t been able to figure out what happened.”
