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She paused to take a breath and I seized my opening. “Becoming a fugitive isn’t a bad idea, although it isn’t necessary considering I wasn’t suspended.”
Stardust had swelled herself up in preparation for round two of her lecture but paused at my words, her mouth agape in astonishment. “Youweren’t?”
“No.”
She released a long breath, but by the angry gleam in her eyes I knew her tirade was far from over. “Whether or not you were suspended from the Nightmare Realm isn’t important; how are we ever going to convince the Council to allow you to return to the Dream Realm now? What were you thinking releasing a volcanic nightmare in the Cultivating Fields?”
I sighed. “I wasn’t thinking.” At least not beyond my own wounded feelings, an act of utter selfishness I’d do anything to take back.
“That’s stating the obvious.”
I collapsed backwards onto my bed and stared unseeing up at my ceiling as Stardust spent the next several minutes tempestuously swirling around my bedroom, morphing into lightning bolts and lecturing. Her words washed over me as I allowed all my emotions—guilt, remorse, fear, pain, and even hope and comfort from my time with Darius—to fill my heart.
“Are you even listening?” she demanded some time later.
“Of course,” I lied.
She rolled her eyes. “You’re not, despite this being a lecture you very much need to hear.”
I propped myself on my elbow and faced her. Much of her steam had been blown off during her ranting, and although her expression was still fierce she seemed considerably calmer, albeit still annoyed. Yet it couldn’t mask the concern filling her eyes. In spite of everything she, like Darius, still cared about me. Remarkable.
But could I still possibly care for and forgive myself?
I slowly stood and went to the mirror, where I stared at my reflection. Though I was still cloaked in the blackness of my Nightmare style, something was different...and it took me a moment to see a glimmer of light in my eyes. How could something exist even after I’d sunk so low? Yet there it was all the same. Seeing it planted a new seed of hope in my heart, one I desperately wanted to nourish. Perhaps allowing it to blossom would give me the strength to weed out the darkness I’d allowed to root deep inside me.
It wasn’t too late to change. While the task of removing whatever mask I’d been hiding behind in my pain seemed rather daunting, my hope and belief that the real Eden could still be found within me made the task for the first time seem possible.
I turned back to face Stardust. “I know I messed up, but I don’t want to be this person anymore.” Nor did I want to be the old Eden, either. The one who’d been stubborn and refused to allow others to help her, blinded by doing things the way she’d thought was best that had instead only brought harm to others.
For a moment, the thought that I had to not only cast off the Nightmare parts I’d allowed to cloak me for far too long but to also discover a better version of my old self felt utterly daunting, but I was determined, especially since this time I refused to walk the path before me alone.
I met Stardust’s gaze. “Will you help me?”
She studied me for a moment before softening. “Of course. Considering there’s nothing we can do about your recent blunder, the only option left is damage control—although it’d be entirely unnecessary if you hadn’t done something so reckless.” She gave another angry shudder. “Time for a new plan: Wriggle Eden From Her Latest Mess.”
She morphed into her detective notebook and flew to the corner to brainstorm, all while mumbling under her breath something about how difficult owners could be and how much trouble they got in when they failed to consult their brilliant clouds.
But just because I’d determined to become better didn’t mean change happened overnight, nor did it mean I could escape the consequences of my mistakes. Dark whispers followed me whenever I ventured from home, ones I fought to ignore; I couldn’t allow others’ doubts to crush the faith in myself that still remained only a tiny bud.
Although I fulfilled my promise in allowing him to win a week’s worth of Weavings, all my Weavings with Caspian were spent in tense silence as he quickly wove his dreams so he could leave as quickly as possible, all while avoiding my eyes and refusing to say a single word to me.
Then there was Mother, who took every opportunity to pester me, either with additional celebratory comments about what I’d done to the Cultivating Fields—an event I’d do anything to undo—or firm instructions I wanted nothing more than to ignore.
“Your idea of destruction was brilliant, Eden dear. I want you to come up with something even more fantastic you can use your nightmares for.”
I gritted my teeth. I didn’t want to use nightmares to create more havoc, especially when I was still trying to deal with the consequences of my last disaster. But as always, I nodded submissively while frantically trying to come up with a way to escape whatever Mother was plotting before I was forced to do yet another thing I’d fiercely regret. That was the last thing I wanted when I was desperately trying to put that part of me behind me forever.
Meanwhile, Stardust stole newspapers in order to keep tabs on the aftermath of all the destruction I’d caused.
“Just look at these headlines,” she grumbled as she went through each newspaper she’d collected one by one, showing me each:Nightmarish Destruction Destroys Dreamers’ Fields;Dreamers Crippled in Weavings in Volcanic Aftermath;Cultivators Predict Lengthy Recovery After Volcanic Explosion;andNightmare Council Still Fails to Act. She shook her head. “What a mess, and I still have no idea how to get you out of it.”
The headlines stared tauntingly up at me, showing me the reality of my destruction I just couldn’t escape, no matter how much I wanted to. As Stardust launched into another round of complaints, I glanced over the article beneath the headline:Rogue Nightmare With Dangerous Powers, an Exclusive Look.The ever-present gnawing guilt threatened to consume me.
But I didn’t shove this emotion away like I’d done for so long. I needed to feel this. It as a piece of my former self, the Eden I desired to be, the Eden Darius still believed me to be. I had to see myself the way he did, but more than that, I had to do something,anything, to atone...but what?
* * *
Though Maci sawthe occasional dream, overall Darius remained undefeated in his Weavings for her, for he’d just won another. The dragonflies in his weaving partner’s hair twitched angrily as she scowled at him. Tonight’s dream dust earnings twirled through the air to seep into his still considerably empty locket, for even though I’d long since stopped stealing from him, he’d never quite been able to recuperate his losses.
