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“I’m not taking the risk of finding out.”
I try to envision what her future will be without me or Grace. She won’t have to work anymore. Not with the money we already have and the new money she'll get. If the president actually gives it to her, that is. Which means she'll stay in the house all the time, worrying, regretting, and blaming herself, going back and forth between crying and days spent in bed. No, that cannot be the future she has.
“I know you'll want to, but you cannot break, Leah. Not this time.”
She was looking at her hands, but her eyes rise to meet mine now. “I know. I just don't know how not to.”
“By realizing and accepting all you've already survived. Mom's death, Grace being sacrificed. Father's abuse, and now…me. You had all of that against you, but you made it through. Every single time. It's okay to feel broken, but you can't break. Promise me.”
Her mouth tightens, and she looks down. I don't blame her, though. Maybe I had no right to ask her to promise that. The words would have comforted me though, for as long as I'm alive to feel their comfort. Neither of us speaks another word. She places her hand in my lap and I wrap both of my hands around hers, pretending mine aren't shaking.
“We're ready,” the older woman says.
I look at the mirror to find my hair parted on the side, strands swooping over to the right, and the ends curled inward. I look beautiful, not that it matters. That thought brings all my fears rushing to the forefront. I've been busy worrying about Leah, if the president will keep his word, and just surviving these last few hours that I've been able to push everything else aside. Somehow though, looking into this mirror and seeing myself for the very last time, dressed up only to be eaten, devoured, and killed is making it hard not to think about how close my end is.
I'm about to be lowered into the ground, sent into a darkness I have never known, and handed over to a monster. I'm about to suffer and die in pain. I've known pain and abuse at the hands of my father. That’s nothing new, but to know there's no escape is the hard part. There's no park to run to. No bedroom to hide in, hoping the danger never finds me. No sisters to help me through. It's just me now. Me and a monster.
“You're okay,” Leah says.
I look at her and realize I must have been standing here, obviously silent, looking at myself for who knows how long. She tightens her hand on mine and I swallow at her having to comfort me now.
“I promise, Keri. I promise.”
I close my eyes at her giving me that peace; that little something to cling onto as I'm lowered into the ground. The hope that she will go on, and that she won't truly follow through with her words of dying from earlier. That hope is all I have right now.
“Thank you,” I croak.
“Hurry now. We must be on our way,” the woman says as she shoos me out of the room.
Down the hallway we go, one pair of hands straightening my dress, and another tucking away a few loose strands of hair. I feel the need to keep looking over my shoulder at Leah, just to confirm that they haven't separated us yet. But when I see the president at the end of the hallway, I know he won't take Leah from me now. She's his insurance that I'll do exactly as he wanted me to on the balcony.
“Are we ready, Miss Palmer?” he asks.
As if I have a choice. As if I've had a choice in anything today. Even running felt like something I had to do instead of a choice I made to do it. The alternative was this. And I ended up here, anyway.
“Ready,” I reply.
“Remember to smile…as if your sister’s life depends on it.”
I swallow at his threat, making it suddenly hard to breathe, but my cheeks lift as I paste on as fake and big of a smile as I can. He smiles himself, the practiced one I've seen hundreds of times on my TV screen.
“Very good. Let's begin. Your sister can wait right here.”
I follow him onto the balcony, waving as the bright lights blind me. I smile, say the exact words the president told me to: how proud I am to be this year's sacrifice, and how honored my family is to be chosen twice. My final words being that I hope other women follow in my footsteps to protect our quadrant. Every word makes me sick to my stomach, but always out the corner of my eye is Leah, with a guard behind her.
The president tells the crowd and everyone watching on TV what an example I am for future sacrifices and then I'm finally allowed to end my act. The older woman comes closer to me, murmuring I have one minute with my sister before midnight strikes. I don't waste another second before rushing over and grabbing her to me.
“I love you. I love you,” I repeat over and over. I'm not sure what else there is to say. I've told her what she needs to do, promises have been made, and the goodbyes said.
“I don't know who I'll be without you and Grace,” she says, low. “And I know how selfish that sounds, but I have always been yours and Grace's sister. Loved by you both, protected by you two. Raised by you two, really.”
“Which is why I know you'll be okay. Because we raised a strong woman who can face anything. Overcome anything. And you'll overcome this, too.”
“Listen, when you get down there, you give that monster hell.”
A laugh that entirely surprises me bursts from my mouth.
“I'll do my best,” I joke, and then I set her back. “Remember what I said before. Trust no one, Leah. And if you think for a second that they're not going to free you the very moment I'm lowered into this ground, then you run as fast and far as you can.”
