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“It is because of my father,” he said slowly. “I told you that my parent’s marriage was not good?”
She nodded.
He sighed. “My father had another whole life beyond his family,” he said, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “We never knew. All I knew as a child growing up, was that my father did not wish to be with my mother and me. He was always away in London. And he wouldn’t let my mother and I join him there, either.”
Jane shook her head. “It must have been lonely for your mother.”
“It was,” he said, picturing his mother’s distress in his mind. “She begged my father to stay with us, or bring us with him to London, but he refused. It broke her heart. She truly loved him and still does. She isn’t aware of the reason he didn’t want us around him.”
Jane’s gaze flickered. “What was the reason?”
“He kept mistresses in London,” he replied slowly. “At least two, which he kept in grand style in separate houses. He could afford it. But when I found out and confronted him, the worst thing was not that he didn’t deny it, but that he thought so little of it. He confessed he had never loved my mother like she loved him. He didn’t care that he had made her life a misery.”
“I see,” said Jane, frowning. She looked sad.
“Yes,” said Percy, sighing again. “I vowed then that I would never fall in love. And when I married, it would be for convenience. That way, no hearts would be broken. I could not bear to do that to my wife, after what he did to my mother.”
Jane was silent, staring out the window at the storm that raged beyond.
“And you?” he asked eventually. “Why do you not believe in marriage, even for convenience?”
“Because I have seen the result of it,” she said slowly, her mouth twisting. “My mother married my father for convenience, to escape a broken heart. She never loved him. But he loved her. And like your mother, he does not know to this day that his marriage was an illusion. He believes that she loved him just the same as he loved her.”
Percy’s heart flipped. He didn’t know what to say.
“That is the problem with marriages of convenience,” she continued. “It is all very well and good for you to say you want to marry for convenience so no hearts shall be broken. But you cannot know what the other person holds in their heart for you. You could be breaking their heart without even realising it.”
Percy frowned. He had never thought of that. He had just assumed he would know if the other person was in love with him and then avoid the situation. But if Jane was correct, her father had never known. He had lost his wife, believing that she had always loved him. Not every marriage was the same as his parents, after all.
“Why do you not tell your mother the truth?” asked Jane.
His frown deepened. “Why do you not tell your father the truth?”
She smiled wryly. “Your point is taken. I guess it is for the same reason—you do not want to hurt your mother, and I do not want to hurt my father. What a pair we are.”
He laughed, despite how upset he was. His stomach was churning. He didn’t like talking about this. But to his amazement, he suddenly realised that he felt relieved, as well. As if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
He realised that he had chosen the best person to confide in. Jane was a good listener, but it was more than that. She truly understood. She had gone through something similar with her own parents. She didn’t tell him he was overreacting, or that he should let it go, or anything which might prickle his defences again.
He stared at her. How beautiful she looked with her golden hair falling down her back. He wanted to reach out and stroke her face. But he stopped himself. She had been adamant that this must stop, and he must respect her decision as much as it pained him. He knew it was the right decision. If she couldn’t marry him, then it must end for both their sakes.
But he didn’t know how he was going to get through being alone with her in this house without touching her. There was little distraction. And the storm looked like it was going to rage for a long while yet.
“So,” he said, leaning forward, staring at her. “How did you find out that your mother never loved your father? Was it obvious?”
She shook her head. “No. They always got along. I would never have been the wiser if she hadn’t suddenly confessed it to me on her deathbed.” She took a deep, ragged breath. “I was shocked. And then…and then....”
“What, Jane?” His voice was gentle. “What happened then?”
But she shook her head, refusing to talk about it. There was a strained silence. Percy swore under his breath. He knew he had pushed her too far. Whatever had happened, she clearly didn’t like to talk about it, or perhaps never had.
“My mother loved another man,” she said suddenly, staring straight at him. “That was the reason she could never give her heart to my father. The man broke her heart, and she never recovered from it.”
Percy leaned forward, taking her hand. She looked distressed. Her face was pale and pinched, and there was a faraway look in her green eyes.
“My sister does not know,” she continued, biting her lip. “Nor does my father. My mother decided to tell only me. I rather wish she hadn’t. I have felt burdened by it all these years, but I suppose she was not in her right mind and wished to confess to someone. To wipe her conscience clean before she died. Who knows?” She smiled ruefully.
“And that is the reason you do not wish to marry?”
