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Jane nodded. “She said falling in love and marrying only caused misery. She said falling in love had ruined her life, and she did not want it to ruin mine. She told me I would be far happier remaining unmarried. And then she made me vow that I never would.”
Marianne gave a short, sharp gasp of distress. “I cannot believe this,” she whispered, shaking her head incredulously. “To think that Mama would do such a thing to you! You were so young!” She took a deep, ragged breath. “She was not in her right mind at the end, Jane. You know that. She was in great pain and fogged with the laudanum. If she had been in her right mind, she wouldneverhave done such a thing to you.”
“It no longer matters,” said Jane, her mouth twisting. “I made the vow to her. A deathbed vow, which I cannot break, no matter what my feelings are about it.”
Marianne frowned. “Jane, you must stop living your life like this. I understand you felt compelled to make that vow to pacify Mama, but if she were here now, she would tell you that she did the wrong thing and release you from it.” She took her sister’s face between her hands, staring at her intently. “I release you from it. It was unfair to ask such a thing of you, to sacrifice your life because of her unhappiness.”
Jane’s heart shifted in her chest. Could it be that easy? Could she finally release the vow and just live her life the way she wished to live it?
The vow had never been such a burden until Percy swept into her life. It had been easy to honour it because she had never met a gentleman before who made her question it. But since Percy had arrived, it wasn’t easy anymore. She had been fighting her feelings for him constantly because of it. And she suddenly realised it had exhausted her.
“She made me vow because she thought she was ensuring my happiness,” said Jane in a tentative voice. “She thought that she was doing the right thing for me.”
Marianne shook her head vehemently. “Her thinking was clouded. It wasnotthe right thing. Just because Mama could never let go of a broken heart and it caused her pain does not mean the same thing will happen to you, or anything similar.” She exhaled slowly. “Many people find great joy and satisfaction in love and marriage. Look at me. I am not lying to you when I tell you that my marriage is the greatest joy in my life, Jane.”
Jane bit her lip. “I am so confused, Marianne. I have been living with the vow for so long it would feel wrong to break it. As if I am throwing away Mama’s trust in me.”
“Mama is gone,” said Marianne in a gentle voice. “Life is for the living, Jane. You just told me that you love Percy. I suspect he loves you as well. Hedefinitelywants to marry you. You would throw all that away—let him marry someone he does not want to—because of an old vow? You would be hurting everyone. Yourself, Percy, and even Lucy, for she will never find happiness with him this way. Three unhappy people who are victims of the vow. It is appalling.”
Jane put her head in her sister’s lap. Marianne stroked her hair gently.
“You must let it go, little sister,” whispered Marianne. “You see that now, do you not?”
Jane closed her eyes. It was such a comfort to let Marianne share the burden with her. Her sister had taken it away from her. It was such an intense relief that a single tear slid down her face.
She still didn’t know what she was going to do. Despite Marianne’s conviction that she must discard the vow, it wasn’t as easy as that for her. She knew that her sister spoke the truth. But how could she break her promise to her dying mother?
But, on the other hand, how could she let what was about to unfold happen? How could she let Percy take the fall for her? How could she let Lucy do this to all of them?
Besides, her sister might claim that Percy loved her, but he had never uttered those words to her. Not once. She knew he cared for her, and it wasn’t just about physical attraction, but that wasn’t the same as enduring love. If she agreed to marry him, she would be breaking her vow to her mother and then forced to live with a man who might never love her. A man whomsheloved. It would be like a slow death. What on earth was she going to do?
***
Later that night, Jane crept out of her room. She needed more water before going to sleep. The whole household was abed.
She was returning to her chamber with a pitcher of fresh water in her hands when she encountered Lucy coming out of her own room. Her cousin was in a long white nightgown with rags in her hair.
Jane stiffened. She had never liked Lucy much, but now she loathed the other girl like she had never loathed anyone in her life.
Lucy stared at her defiantly. There wasn’t even a shadow of remorse or regret on her face for what she had done.
“How could you?” said Jane in a loud whisper. “He is a good man. You are despicable.”
Lucy raised her chin defiantly. “I am just doing what I must to secure a good marriage. I do not know why your nose is so out of joint. You are getting what you want as well, Jane. It is the most logical solution all round.”
Jane shook her head in disgust. She didn’t even want to look at her cousin any longer. She turned around, disappearing into her own room. When the door was firmly closed, she leant against it, trying to calm herself.
Marianne’s words spun around in her head. What had she said?
You would be hurting everyone. Yourself, Percy, and even Lucy, for she will never find happiness with him this way. Three unhappy people who are victims of the vow. It is appalling.
Jane sighed, thinking about Percy. It might be far too late anyway. He probably despised her now as much as Lucy. And she wouldn’t blame him.
Chapter 35
That evening, Percy sat on the communal balcony at Mrs Holloway’s lodging house, sipping a strong whisky. From here, one could see all the way to the lighthouse. Seagulls circled in the sky above the sea. If he were not in such a bad mood, he might think the scene quite charming.
“There you are,” said a voice behind him.
