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Megan forced herself to stand and get some water to try and clear the fog in her head. As she watched the water fill the glass, she thought of the tea she had made for him after his nightmare. There had been real fear. Real terror at whatever he was seeing. He didn’t lash out at her. There was shame, and he’d pulled into himself when it was over, like an animal who didn’t want to be seen retreating into a cave.
He didn’t want a relationship so he could avoid the pain he had seen in others. He was trying to keep things happy and light and trying to get away from that pain and shame he knew too well. He wasn’t going out to try and hurt women. He didn’t prey on anyone. Other people could respond differently, but Troy didn’t.
Even with that fear, though, he had checked the locks all of the time. Everything he did was defense not offense, so why did he get arrested?
Megan drained the glass, wishing—for one of the first times in her life—it was something stronger. Somewhere in the cushions of the couch, her phone buzzed again.
Megan closed her eyes, trying to avoid it all. Just like Troy, she didn’t want the pain of having to explain to her friends how she had misjudged. Her anxiety bloomed from an ugly seed in her chest. She was never any good with people, and here was the proof. This is why her grandma had always sheltered her away from others. She didn’t want her to get hurt. Wanted to save her the hot shame, the heartache, the longing.
Even her biggest secret hadn’t been enough for him to stop and listen. To care. By some miracle, Megan had been given a gift, a chance at life. She had tried to pay back the universe by using her gift to help others, but she felt like a fraud. Now, she was putting the lives of others in danger. It was time to go. She couldn’t do it anymore.
She should be dead. When she told him her greatest secret, Troy had flicked that off like an insignificant piece of dust. It was impossible, and therefore it didn’t matter. None of it mattered to him. He had told her that, and she had been stupid enough to start to love—
Megan dropped the glass. The loud, hollow crash sent the cats running and the birds into a panic. A cold wave of dread washed over her as the tears fell. She had tried to avoid feeling close to anyone, yet here she was. She loved him; therefore he had gone.
CHAPTER41
The rain was cold. It hit her face like pellets biting into her skin, somewhere between sleet and freezing rain. It wasn’t that cold, but the gray overcast area made it seem darker, bleaker.
Then again, coming to the cemetery for some family time never had been a party.
Megan shoved her hands in her pockets, tugged the hood of her raincoat on, and marched uphill away from the parking lot. The cemetery was one of the oldest in Goldvein and somehow still had room. She didn’t know much about the history of who was buried here, other than her family. Rumor had it that some of the graves were of Civil War veterans, which she believed as the town had been settled by miners looking to strike it rich and expand west.
Troy had lit up when he talked about history with her at one of their dinners. He had a few artifacts he had found on his family’s property, and Megan wondered what the old foundation to the original house had looked like. She had wanted to see it. He had wanted to show it to her. But of course that was not going to happen.
To get her mind off him, she tried to focus on the cold, wet grass—new green growth as the beginnings of spring had started to peek through the biting frost. There would be another cold snap before the sunny days settled in to stay. That’s how it always was.
Megan’s family plot was toward the back. She knew she was close when she saw the tree. There was a maple the cemetery director had planted when her family had been buried there. Her grandmother always admired the tree’s beautiful leaves on the few times they had visited. The memories had been painful, so they only made the trip back to Goldvein once a year. It seemed only fitting that she should lie under it when her time had come, and that’s what Megan had done.
She looked up ahead and saw a figure sitting on the bench near the tree. They wore a dark coat and hat, despite holding an umbrella to stay dry.
Megan stopped and looked around her. No one else was present. All of the years she had come here, no one else had ever been visiting her family when she was. She stopped, watched, and waited.
They didn’t move.
The rain continued a steady pattern of unhurried watering. It was cold, but gentle. A good reminder of the facts of life.
Megan stood from a distance and watched, trying to calm the anxiety racing through her. She knew she was in a vulnerable place. Her heart had been ripped out, then everything she thought she knew about Troy had turned into a lie. She wanted to know more. Craved the comfort of information and connection. Wanted to turn to the women in her family for comfort navigating the new feelings of wanting, despair, longing, and rejection. She had so much she wanted to understand.
Her body trembled with the cold and exhaustion. She hadn’t slept properly in days. Couldn’t focus and had no appetite. She knew she had lost weight again but couldn’t make herself eat. This morning it had gotten so bad she had thrown up in the sink when brushing her teeth. That hadn’t happened in years and wasn’t a welcome return.
Coming here had always brought comfort, and now someone else was in her spot, on her bench, looking at her family.
Megan stood rooted to the spot, her heart hammering in her chest while her anxiety swirled in her stomach.
Should she turn around? Come back after waiting in her car? The rain picked up around her.
She didn’t have time for this. Tomorrow was the first day of the rest of her life. If she nailed the vet school interview, she would be fulfilling everything she wanted. Finally back on her path to becoming what she knew she was meant to be.
This was it. She needed to see her family, get over herself, and move on.
Dread and guilt swamped her. If…no,whenshe left, she couldn’t come back here as much. She would need to leave the station, leave Laura and Ash. And she wouldn’t be able to help people as a firefighter anymore.
She had looked and there were stations near the university, but the program specifically stated it was full time, and attendance was compulsory.
Her ability—gift, power, whatever—would go unused. A life saved for nothing.
She tried to close her eyes against the visions of people dying that she couldn’t save, telling herself there were others who could help. She wasn’t good enough. Pictures of families ate at her, corroding her broken heart with visions of what she would never have.
