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Fuck my life. “I ruined it. I lied to Gauge and I’m not sure our friendship is going to be able to recover from it. That’s why I don’t want Natalie there tonight. She’s upset with me, and refuses to listen to reason. I think we need a little bit of time apart.”
“I don’t think you ruined it.”
“Oh you have no idea.”
“You’ve seemed happier the last few times your dad and I have seen you. We hoped things were going well with her. It wasn’t hard to tell she had feelings for you every time we were around. I’d hoped maybe you’d realized you had the same for her.”
“I was starting too.”
“It took you way too long, Cam.” She retorts. “I realize you’ve been scared of getting hurt, but sometimes you have to let yourself be vulnerable.”
“It’s not easy after what happened with Rebecca.”
“No, but it’s worth it. Something you may not know about your dad is that he was in love with someone else before me. When we met, he wasn’t sure about giving me a chance either. But look at where we are, the life that we’ve built. Had he not been willing to give me a chance, a real chance, you wouldn’t even be here Cam. Think about that.”
“I will.”
“I’ll go get Trinity, but you need to make a decision bout your life.”
“I know.” I sigh. “Thank you, love you.”
“Love you, too.”
* * *
The days are long,the nights longer. A few days ago I was spending those moon-filled moments with Nat, but since my blow up with both her and Gauge, she’s not been around. She’s still there for Trinity, but obviously not for me.
Laying in my bunk at the station, I miss her even more than I should. Grabbing my phone, I reach out. She may not speak to me, and if she doesn’t, then I’ll know where I stand. This is my Hail Mary.
C: I miss you.
N: You don’t have a right to miss me. You should’ve stood up for us and what we mean to each other.
C: He’s going through a hard time right now, trying to figure out who he is and where he fits in with everyone. I’ve watched Trin go through the same thing. It’s hard, and I can’t abandon him, not when the rest of his life is so unsure.
N: But I’m expendable?
C: That’s not what I said and you know it. Do you think this feels good to me? I miss you with every single part of my soul.
N: The fact of the matter is, you can change this. It’s within your power, but you’re refusing to make things hard or difficult. Life isn’t always easy, Cam.
C: Yeah, I’m well aware of that.
N: I just never thought you’d take the easy way out.
C: Trust me, this isn’t easy.
N: Then prove it to me. Show that I’m worth fighting for. Until then, I can’t keep making myself available and vulnerable to you.
Throwing my phone down on the bed, I rub my eyes with my palms. When did life get so difficult.
As much as I’d love to blame it on something else, I know it happened the minute my lips touched Nat’s. The exact second I stopped thinking of her as anything other than Trinity’s babysitter.
And more than anything, that’s my fault.
* * *
Hours later,I’m still in bed. It’s a miracle we haven’t been called out yet. Chance comes walking in, but when he sees me lying there, he turns to walk back out.
