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When I glanced back at Rowan the look on his face had too many emotions racing through me. He looked proud, just like he had at all my games back in high school. Rowan hadn’t missed any of them. My heart cracked when I thought about the past and the fact that he clearly hadn’t missed me when he left either.
“I have to go,” I blurted and took off, cupping Zander’s hand in mine as I went by and headed toward the house, taking us both inside, straight to the bathroom where I could hide for a few minutes.
Surely the group must have thought I was losing it, leaving in the middle of a game, but I couldn’t stay there any longer and pretend like things were fine, smiling, and playing around when I felt like my heart was cracking wide open.
“Mommy, are you upset?”
Zander was very in tuned to my feelings and that was why I always worked hard to shove them down. It didn’t always work.
“Don’t be sad, Mommy.” He wrapped his small arms around my legs and squeezed them tight. I kneeled on the tile floor and hugged him close to me.
“I’m okay,” I said, trying to reassure him.
“Did my snuggles help?” he asked in my ear.
My heart warmed and I thought to myself,This is all I need.
I may have thoughts of wanting more at times, but having Zander was the best thing in the world, so if it was just him and I, then it was a damn good life. It just killed me that I may not be enough for him one day. He’d recently been asking more questions about his daddy.
A very sensitive subject that brought a pang to my chest.
“They sure did. Your snuggles always make everything better.”
Gently pulling back, I looked into my son’s eyes that were so much like his father’s and another pang hit me square in my chest. But his radiant smile pulled my attention away and it was enough to wash away my worries for the time being. Then, I went on to ask him how he felt about staying in Gyth and Summer’s old place.
“If it’s old, does it smell bad?” he asked, pinching two fingers to the bridge of his nose and scrunching up his face like he smelled something sour.
I couldn’t contain the laughter that he brought on sometimes. He was not only sweet but he was animated and the two qualities together melted my heart.
“When I said old I meant they used to live there but now live here in their new home. I am sure it will be great, honey.”
After being around the couple for the day, I figured even if it was originally Gyth’s and people had since stayed there, it was probably perfectly fine. Besides, they were doing us a favor and so anything would be wonderful.
“Okay. Will I get to play with the kids again?”
“We can ask the other parents but I am sure they won’t mind or we can work something else out.”
“Yay!” he squealed. “Let’s go ask them now, Mommy.”
I wasn’t quite ready to go back out into the group of people, especially if I ran into Rowan. I ran like a coward and left the game. I was feeling silly about it now but at the time I couldn’t think.
All I could do was feel.
* * *
It lookedas if my hiding had come to an end.
When the knock on the door came, I frantically looked around the small bathroom searching for a secret doorway to appear and Zander and I could just use it to escape reality. But there was nowhere else to go and my little guy didn’t waste a second. He pulled away from me and rushed to the door, flinging it open.
While I hadn’t wanted to see anyone quite yet after making a spectacle of myself, I was glad it wasn’t Rowan standing on the other side.
“Hey,” the adorable woman named Teal said. “Summer wanted me to tell you that it’s time for dessert and the kids are looking for Zander here,” she added, patting his head as he bounced on the balls of his feet.
“Can I go, pretty please, Mommy?”
My son’s twinkling eyes pleaded with me.
“Sure, go ahead,” I told him. He started out the door, squeezing past the woman standing there with a smile on her face. Before he got too far I added, “Use your manners and don’t forget your—”
