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The ridein Rowan’s truck was worrisome and uncomfortable.
It was a good thing the pizza place wasn’t too far and my son was such a chatterbox. He asked Rowan endless questions about the Army and random stuff. That had allowed me just to listen, but I was worried about what might come up in their conversation and started to panic a smidge.
Somehow we’d made it to the restaurant without incident. I saw Rowan start to round the front of the car after he got out and I scrambled to get out quickly because there was no way he was helping me from the vehicle. I’d already caused a scene when I told him a little too abruptly that I could get in his truck myself when he’d opened the door and looked as if he was going to help me inside.
He was being nice, but I couldn’t handle it. Everything was such a mess. After jumping out, I went to the back passenger side myself and got Zander out. He immediately ran to Rowan’s side and slipped his hand into his.
I noticed the shock on Rowan’s face, but he went with the flow. As they headed toward the doors of the restaurant, my feet stood frozen in place, and my heart was in my throat. How was I supposed to keep it together when things like that happened?
Because I felt like I was about to lose my mind.
Rowan glanced back over his shoulder at me. “You coming?”
All I could do was nod. Coaxing my feet to get a move on and saying a silent prayer I would make it through the evening, I followed.
When we walked inside, everyone was already there. I couldn’t help but notice Summer and Alley’s eyes had gone straight to Zander and Rowan's hands. Then they glanced up at me and it was easy to see they were looking at me to see if I was okay. I didn’t think these ladies missed much and that was also a bit concerning.
Saving me from the panic attack I was about to have, Alley clapped her hands and asked the boys if they wanted to play some games while we ordered? That did it. My son released Rowan’s hand as he and Dexter bounced in front of her excitedly with their hands out as she distributed coins she already had ready.
“You big boys go play with them too,” she said to Gyth, Landon, and Rowan.
When the guys walked up to Alley and held their hands out for money, we all started laughing.
“Get your own money, you big buffoons,” Alley told them.
The grown men whined like they were five years old and then wandered off with the boys, but then Landon came back to take his daughter in the stroller with him.
“He can’t stand to be away from her,” Alley said. “He is such an amazing dad.”
It was sweet but I also couldn’t help the pang that hit my chest. I’d always wanted that for Zander. But that wouldn’t be possible. I’d only loved once and it wasn’t happening again, so there wouldn’t be someone brought into our lives to make a family the way Alley and the other ladies had.
“I’m sorry,” Alley rushed to say. “That was insensitive of me and I am so sorry about Luke.”
Another direct hit.
Nausea swirled in my gut at Luke’s name. Why did he have to be gone? He sacrificed so much and got so little in return and it was all my fault. But not only that, all the things I had shoved down inside, hidden away, clawed to break free because it was eating me alive.
How was I supposed to keep up the front I’d been putting on?
I was so tired.
“Anytime you want to talk, any of us ladies are here for you,” Summer said. “Now, who’s ready for some fun?”
“Me, I’m starving,” I told her.
Pizza, games, and laughter followed. Watching the guys play games with the boys was a hoot. The ladies and I sometimes wondered if they were all not the same age the way they carried on.
Seeing Zander bond with Rowan was the only part that had me twisted up inside.
It was bitter-sweet.
All in all it was a good night, until the dreaded ride home. Once we said goodbye to everyone and got back in the truck, I let Zander do the talking again, until he’d fallen asleep. Those last few minutes were silent torture. I also didn’t make it out of the truck fast enough to get my son and before I knew it, Rowan had come around and picked up Zander to carry him in.
I did my best to protest and tell him I could do it myself, but Rowan didn’t budge and I had no choice but to follow him inside. When I unlocked and opened the door, he stepped right in and carried Zander toward the hall to his room.
“Just put him in my bed, please.”
Without argument, he did as I asked, but I still found myself explaining. “There have been a lot of adjustments and changes. Right now he doesn’t feel comfortable in the other room alone.”
