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Rowan’s gaze met mine and I didn’t like what I saw. Right away so many emotions flashed through his dark eyes and a storm was brewing in their depths.
For the first time since I had gotten pregnant with Zander, I wanted to lie. I know some people would say I had already done that, but that wasn’t exactly true. However, if lying by omission was what they believed, then I would be in contempt of that. But I tried and failed to do the right thing a long time ago. It wasn’t all my fault it didn’t work out. What I hadn’t done was blatantly ever lied to a single soul, including my son.
I wouldn’t start now. So when Rowan opened his mouth and asked his first question I knew would only be the start of the ones to come, I answered with nothing less than the truth.
Honestly.
“Is he mine?”
Tears streamed down my face. My body shook uncontrollably. And I said one little word that was so complex it would change everything in the blink of an eye.
“Yes.”
Then Rowan did what he did best.
He walked out the door.
But this time there was only me to blame.
* * *
I should be usedto it by now.
But it still pierced my heart all over again.
And this time when Rowan left and I saw Zander’s tears, I thought nothing in the world would be right again. I wasn’t the only one that was hurting as we watched him walk away. It was ten times worse this time when I knew it affected my son.
There I was with my Zander, who’d just found out the man he wished was his dad, was actually his father. But Rowan left without a word, leaving me with a broken-hearted little angel who didn’t deserve that. I knew he must be confused and I had a lot of explaining to do. Not only to him, but to Summer and Gyth, who stood silently as the scene had unfolded.
“Maybe we should sit and finally talk?” Gyth said.
Straight to the point might be the best approach to take, but I needed to take care of my son first.
“Hey Zander, why don’t we go check on Dexter? He probably wonders where you went,” Summer asked him softly.
They both seemed to be reading my thoughts. I didn’t think when Zander was upset that it was such a good idea, but the mention of Dexter perked my son up and he took Summer’s hand she had outstretched to go find his new friend.
“I’ll be back, Mommy.” His tears dried up and a small smile lit his face. One thing about coming to Portland was that my son, and even me, had met some amazing people. For now, getting to see Dexter was like a Band-Aid. But the time would come when the wound would open and the hurt would flow again.
Summer gave me a soft smile as they left the room.
Following Gyth into the living room, I took a seat on the plush, beige couch. Scooting myself back into the arranged, dark brown and yellow pillows, I let out a sigh.
Gyth didn’t push, he let me get my bearings, but once we sat down it felt wrong to explain everything, but I could address a couple of things. The person I should be talking to first may have left but it was his story to hear before anyone else. I owed him that at least.
Rowan and our son that was.
“I know I sought you out. You had been so kind when you came to see me and the truth is, besides Luke’s parents, I don’t have anyone. And I didn’t even want to be around them, so it’s just Zander and me.”
I blew out a breath because I was so bad at explaining anything. All my life my mom, Luke, and Rowan were the only people I truly let my guard down around or spoke about my feelings with. Two of them were gone and Rowan had been until recently. There was also a good chance he would be again…
Or maybe it was me that would walk away this time.
“To make one thing clear, Luke’s parents knew Zander wasn’t Luke’s baby. And they always made it well known what they thought about it.” I bit my bottom lip as I worked to get control of the anger that swept through me at the mention of her. “My son also knew Luke was going to be his daddy but wasn’t his biological father. It was when we got here that he started zeroing in on wanting one.”
When I was doing the pros and cons list, I knew that if I stayed I would have had to come clean. I never wrote that down, but like Rowan’s name, it would have also gone into both columns. Pro because I wouldn’t have to hold it in anymore and con because it could upset many lives and I didn’t know in what way. Good or bad? I was still wondering which way that would go after the scene that just played out by the front door.
“Anyway, when our home and my business burned down, it was time for a new life, and I don’t know why but this was the only place I could think of going after you said you would always help. I had no idea what I needed and I wasn’t really thinking, but all of a sudden we were here.”
