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“You?”
“Yeah, babe, me.”
I sucked in air at the term of endearment that flew swiftly from his mouth. Maybe he didn’t hate me after all? Was there a way we could make this work smoothly for our son’s sake?
“Why don’t you start at the beginning,” he said.
The beginning. My mind rewound to the moment I had met Rowan and I wondered how I would be able to lay all my feelings on the table, along with how we had gotten to the point we were at.
But I had to try.
It was time.
* * *
I blew out a frustrated breath.
Nothing was escaping me and I felt paralyzed. Fear did that to people. It wasn’t that I didn’t remember the exact moment I saw Rowan for the first time or how he made me feel. That would be the beginning where he asked me to start, but I’d never put it into words the way he was asking me to.
When we’d spent that phenomenal one night together, we talked about Luke and I getting a divorce, but he didn’t want to talk about his mother. I accepted that. Rowan wasn’t someone who talked about his personal life or how he felt about anything. If he did, it was a rare occurrence.
But that night, all those feelings seemed to pour out in our lovemaking. No words were necessary. However, I made a mistake thinking that the connection we had as our bodies had come together would change the future. I’d been waiting forever to feel Rowan wrapped around me the way he’d been that night and I wasn’t thinking straight.
“Buttercup?” Rowan whispered, pulling me back to reality.
“I remember the day you gave me that nickname.” I loved when he called me that because it always made me feel like I was special to him.
Rowan had caught me sitting in the corner at a Halloween party I hadn’t even wanted to attend, that he and Luke made me go to. The only saving grace was that they had my favorite candy in masses and I drowned myself in Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as the guys mingled. It had always been hard watching the girls fawn all over Rowan, a.k.a. Casanova, but the candy helped a tad.
“It was when I realized what a sweet tooth you have and how addicted you are to the candy. But I dropped off the front for the nickname because it sounded ridiculous and decided I was just going to call you Buttercup. But we know the truth on how you acquired the name.”
We shared a little laugh at the memory, which also helped me open up a little and I tossed out the first thing that came to my mind.
“You were the first boy that ever made my heart tingle.”
Rowan’s eyes went wide in wonder as I shifted on the couch nervously.
Somehow I needed to barrel through the conversation and tiptoe at the same time since it was all very important, but was that even possible? Breathing deep through my nose and then exhaling through my mouth, I tried to explain the best I could.
“Luke and you were my best friends. The way you two took me under your wings when I arrived in a new place was more than I could have hoped for. But my feelings for you were different right from the start.”
The look on his face told me he’d already known that. Maybe I didn’t need to start at the beginning and make a fool out of myself, but I carried on anyway.
“I was aware of how Luke felt about me in the beginning too. We talked about it multiple times, and later as well. Luke didn’t shut me out the way you did. He never hid any part of himself.”
Rowan winced. I wasn’t meaning to sound harsh, it was just the way it always had been.
“He also knew who held my attention and our friendship grew with clear boundaries. Later our relationship was stronger than ever and Luke would do anything for me. And he did.”
Rowan nodded his head. It would be no surprise to him how amazing Luke was. He was the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back. Only for me, Luke went above and beyond.
A sharp pang of sorrow pierced my heart as I spoke of him. Knowing I would never get to see him again hurt so much. I knew that though it may keep getting easier, nothing would ever be the same without him here. Tears gathered in my eyes. But I couldn’t let them fall yet, we had just gotten started.
“You know Luke married me to take care of me after my mother died, and you know that we were going to get divorced. That night everything with you was amazing and I tried so damn hard to leave my emotions out of it, but with you it was impossible. My heart had been invested for far too long.”
Rowan had been quiet for so long I hadn’t expected him to respond, but when he did, I realized for someone like him why he took a run for it.
“You said you loved me before you drifted off to sleep,” he said.
