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My body tensed and my eyes widened at the declaration. I had no clue I’d said that, but it wasn’t time to start lying. So I didn’t.
“I don’t remember that, but I’m not going to tell you it wasn’t true. I loved you for a long time.” Technically it was love at first sight, but I didn’t want to scare him more than he already was so I didn’t include that part. “I wish I hadn’t said it because maybe you wouldn’t have left. But I can’t take it back now. We can’t change the past as much as I wish I could so Luke would still be here.”
Rowan's face held so much pain when I said Luke’s name.
“I wouldn’t change anything between us though. You’re leaving crushed me. And when you didn’t answer my calls or come back, that was a really bad time for me. But you gave me the best part of my life and he is lying right here.”
As I pointed at Zander, my gaze caught on Rowan’s hand which was softly brushing our son’s soft blonde hair. I don’t think he even realized he was doing it, but the sight warmed me.
“I wouldn’t want that to change either.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say that and be so accepting about finding out about our son after all these years. But we still had more to say.
“I’m glad we agree on that,” I whispered in reply.
“Brin, I want you to know that I am sorry for not calling you and Luke back.” He hung his head and sighed before bringing his eyes back to mine. “And I did come. It took me longer than it should have. I also screwed up so bad when I saw you pregnant and still with Luke.”
What was he talking about?
Before I could ask for clarification, he continued.
“When I finally came back I was walking up to your house when I saw you and Luke in the front yard. You were laughing playfully at something he said and then he hugged you close. And when I saw that you were pregnant I thought it was Luke’s, that maybe after I left, you guys changed your mind.”
I gasped. I wasn’t expecting him to say that and wasn’t sure how to feel. On one hand, I could see how it might’ve looked since I told him we were divorcing. But on the other, Rowan was the only one I had ever had sex with and he knew how I felt about that.
“Why would you think I would sleep with Luke right after I had made love to you?”
It hurt that he thought that, but we’d both made a lot of mistakes. I was so tired and emotionally exhausted. I rubbed my eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I realized how stupid I was after I left Gyth’s house tonight and I lost so much time with my son I can’t get back. I also lost time with you and Luke because I was always running and trying to shut off all my feelings.” His hands ran down his face in frustration.
“Then after Luke died, I should have been the one to be there for you and Zander no matter what I thought, but I was in a dark place and thought you guys were better off without me.”
I was shaking my head from side to side while tears slipped down my cheeks, scalding my skin.
Rowan scooted to the side and lightly lifted Zander’s head to lay it on the couch as he moved out from below him. He came in front of me and was once again on his knees. Reaching up he wiped my tears with the pad of his thumb and my breath hitched at both the contact and the sweetness of his touch.
It brought more tears until I was full-on sobbing. I gulped and tried taking a couple deep breaths to get myself under control. Waking Zander was not something I needed to do when he’d already had such a heavy, soul-stirring day.
“Luke was just trying to help,” I told him, my throat tightening. “And his parents always knew it wasn’t Luke’s baby but that didn’t s-stop his overbearing mother from trying to run everything since we were still married. Between her and the f-fire, we had to leave… We justhadtoo. But I never thought we’d f-find you here.” I was struggling to get it all out and hold my shit together.
A soft smile lifted. “I’m glad you did.”
More sobs shook my body. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes, Buttercup,” he replied without hesitation. “I want to know our son.”
That was exactly what needed to happen, I just didn’t know how I was going to handle being around Rowan all the time. I thought I’d hated him, but as he sat in front of me, hate was the last thing from my mind.
“Will you stay and let that happen?” he pleaded.
I quickly thought about Zander and how happy he was here. About how he would have his father and new friends. HowIhad friends and a once-in-a-life time job offer. I also wouldn’t be close to Luke’s neurotic mother.
The pros were winning this time.
By a landslide.
“First, I want you to know I should have tried harder to find you and tell you,” I continued, further explaining Rowan deserved to know all my truths. “But when you didn’t call back and I didn’t see you, I thought I would just be ruining your life. I knew you didn't want kids and I understood why you always felt that way.”
