AllFreeNovel
Share Us
A taste of that would solve your problems.The little voice in her head was a whisper. She closed her eyes and pretended not to hear it, but the voice pushed.All that pain, all that hurt? You never felt it before. A little up your nose and the whole world changes. Gets faster, brighter, better. You know it does.
Lauren ground her teeth. She knew the voice lied, that using would make everything worse. But she had to admit, she’d been thinking about it: the haze of energy and excitement that came with a cocaine high. A euphoria that blocked all the bad shit out. Didn’t have to think about the things she didn’t want to think about. Or feel things she didn’t want to feel. She could outrun all of it. Things like her writer’s block. Things like Danny.
A physical pain twisted her up and turned her inside out.
Danny…
At night, she couldn’t sleep. She would stare out the window, missing feeling him beside her and hating the idea that he was sleeping with Heather. Then she would berate herself for those thoughts—she couldn’t fault him for that. Heather was, after all,his wife. And she was, well, nothing.
You don’t have to feel like nothing anymore…
Lauren looked over at the man on the bench.
Danny was gone. Her writing talent was gone, and that meant her career was gone. After the fight today, it was entirely possible the band was gone. Why on earth would they let her keep dragging them down? They were better off without her. She had nothing left and nothing to lose.
Ten minutes later, she was walking home, her fist clenched inside her pocket around a small bag of cocaine.
ChapterForty-One
Being required to talk about his feelings twice in one day was a piss-poor way to end the week. An hour earlier, Danny had finished a session with Father Rob. He believed in God, he had faith, but he was profoundly uncomfortable talking to Father Rob about the state of his marriage—and what he had done with Lauren. Adultery was a mortal sin, but to be absolved, he had to be truly sorry.
And he wasn’t.
Not if he was being honest with himself.
Now he was sitting in the parking lot of a dull office building covered in faded brick, waiting to meet Heather for their first session with the “real” marriage counselor. He glanced at his watch. The boys hadn’t been in school long, but they already had numerous after-school activities—Heather was bringing them to his parents’ house before she met him.
Danny sat in his car with his eyes closed, his head leaned back against the headrest. He was sorry, just not in the way that Father Rob wanted him to be. He saw the distrust and hurt in Heather’s eyes every day, and he regretted that deeply. He regretted the uncertainty his sons had experienced during the summer. But he couldn’t truly be sorry for the time he’d spent with Lauren. She mattered to him and always would. And the more he was pushed to talk about it, to make a public demonstration of his remorse, the more resentful he became.
Heather’s dark silver sedan pulled into the parking lot. Danny gave the car a critical once-over. It was getting old. They’d have to figure out how to fit a car payment into the budget soon. He got out of his Jeep and waved to her as she parked.
“Hi,” she said, offering her cheek for a kiss. “Have a good day?”
“It was okay. Lot of paperwork.” Danny stuffed his hands in his pockets as they looked anywhere but at each other.
“Well,” Heather said. “We should go in.”
Danny nodded, but inside, he cringed.
In the office, they settled into opposite corners of the sofa. The doctor sat across from them in a plush leather chair. He introduced himself and asked them both what they wanted to get out of therapy. Heather said she wanted to figure out where they’d started to go off the rails and get back to where they were before. She also wanted to find out if she could trust Danny again. Danny told him that his main goal was to rebuild his relationship with Heather. What he didn’t say was that he hoped the doctor could tell him how to stop caring about Lauren.
“And what’s been the biggest source of mistrust?” the doctor asked.
Heather looked at him, and Danny set his jaw. This seemed to be part of the penance Heather had constructed for him: confessing his sins out loud.
“I had an affair with an ex-girlfriend.”
“And he lied to me.” Heather laced her fingers and kept her hands in her lap. She didn’t look at Danny while she spoke.
“I see,” was all the doctor said.
Danny looked out the window and wondered how Lauren was doing, but then refocused on the doctor, chagrined he’d let thoughts of her distract him.I’m sure she’s fine—she probably doesn’t even think about me.But even as he thought it, in his heart he knew it wasn’t true.
ChapterForty-Two
Except for the little, crumpled plastic bag full of powder, the coffee table was empty. Lauren paced back and forth like a caged panther, warring with herself. All the way home, she’d tried to cling to her sobriety while the slithering little voice kept attacking.
Why try? You’ve lost everything. You’ll feel so much better. You know you will. It won’t matter what anyone else says, you won’t feel any of it. It will all be dust in your rearview mirror. No more pain, no more doubt.
