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She flung herself onto the sofa and folded herself into the middle cushion. But her eyes remained riveted to the bag—and the powdery contents inside. It felt like the coke had a hook inside her chest and she was being dragged closer to it with every passing moment.
I don’t need it. I don’t,she told herself.
Liar.
Lauren’s throat tightened. She picked up a framed picture that was lying on the cushion next to her. She’d been looking at it the night before and had tossed it aside when she tried to go to bed. Protected under the glass was a singular moment of joy: the minute she’d left Bruno’s party with Danny. Happy, laughing. A captured instant when she was living the life she’d always dreamed of: the music, the success, the fame—and Danny with her to share all of it. A moment she would never have again. One moment to show her so very clearly that she had nothing now.
Lauren hugged the picture to her chest and tried not to cry. She was so tired of crying. So tired of feeling hollow. She let her gaze drop to the scene again and ran her fingers over the frame’s glass front.I don’t deserve to be happy…
The voice whispered again,You don’t have to feel like this.
I’m not… I can’t…Lauren didn’t even finish her thought. She was exhausted. She didn’t have any energy left to argue with the voice. Why should she bother? She set the picture up on the table and picked up the bag of coke.
That’s right! Just a little stardust and you can fly again. All the pain, all the sadness—it won’t ever be able to catch you again.The voice rejoiced, sensing victory.You’ll be able to write again.You’ll be invincible.
Lauren’s hands started shaking and she flinched like she was coming out of a trance. She wouldn’t be invincible, she’d be dead. Then a darker thought crossed her mind:Maybe that’s the answer.They’d all probably be better off without me. Augie could finally play his song—
Horrified by the dark turn of her thoughts, Lauren leaped up. She raced into the bathroom and tore the bag open. Dumping all the white powder into the toilet, she flushed it and threw the plastic in as well. She watched it swirl around in the water and lurched forward onto her knees, bile burning up her esophagus. As the last of the white and the plastic disappeared, a keening cry slipped out of her throat.
As she raised her hands, intending to cover her face while she sobbed, Lauren realized that a dusting of the cocaine had clung to her fingertips. She scrambled to her feet. It took two tries to force her shaking hands to open the faucet. Pumping out a ludicrous amount of soap from the dispenser, Lauren scrubbed her hands under the scalding water until they were red and raw.
She almost didn’t recognize the woman looking back at her from the mirror. Hollow cheeks gave her a haunted, lost look. Dark circles shadowed her eyes. In each line in her face, she saw every mistake she’d ever made in her life. To the outside world, she was a resounding success, but all she saw in the mirror was a miserable, abject failure. The pain flared anew, ripping through her, fanning her smoldering insecurities and fears.
I should have snorted it all and ended this farce.
Lauren sagged down to the cold tile floor and wept.
At Mass that weekend, Danny sat and stood when required, but he didn’t hear anything Father Rob was saying. He was lost in his own head, and—despite his best efforts—found himself thinking about Lauren again. It had been weeks since he’d seen or talked to her. The first couples’ therapy session with his wife had been hellish. He knew what he’d done, but listening to Heather talk about how he’d screwed around with another woman and lied to her was hard. Hard didn’t even come close, actually.
But he’d had plenty to say as well. As much as he wanted his private life to stay private, he didn’t have that luxury. He knew it had been hard for Heather to hear how he’d hidden away his feelings for Lauren all these years. And how his feelings for her wouldn’t go away overnight. He wondered if they would ever go away at all. Every time he thought about Lauren, his heart died a little all over again.
He knelt with everyone else and folded his hands.Holy Father? You’re probably pretty pissed off at me, but I need you to do something. I need you to watch out for Lauren. Keep her safe. She doesn’t deserve the pain I gave her. If you could take it away from her and give it to me, I’d shoulder it. I’ll take whatever punishment I get, whatever penance I need to do. But please don’t let her be miserable anymore because of me.
The Kingmakers regrouped at Fitz’s studio on Monday afternoon. Augie was the last to arrive and was staring at his phone’s screen as he walked in. He was a little worried; Lauren had been incommunicado for the entire break. The background chatter and noise ceased immediately as the door closed behind him. When he looked up, it was clear the rest of the band was already pissed off.
“Where is she?” Stevie asked.
“She’s not here?” Augie’s stomach turned into a knot.
“Obviously not,” Ox said.
Augie skewered him with a nasty glare. “Who was the last one to talk to her?”
“I sent her a text after I left here the other day,” DJ said. “I got one little emoji back, but that’s it.”
“I haven’t,” Steve said. “Not since all the shit hit the fan last week. I went away with Gabby and Maya.”
Augie looked over at Ox. The stocky bass player shrugged, but there was an undercurrent of worry in his voice. “I was the last person she wanted to talk to, so I didn’t call her at all.”
“She always talks to you, Aug,” DJ said. “Even when she isn’t talking to the rest of us, shealwaystalks to you. She hasn’t called? Not at all?” He fished his car keys out of his pocket.
Augie grimaced, his worry increasing exponentially with every passing moment. “No calls, no texts. Nothing. I thought she might have taken off for the weekend – you know, go to the mountains or something. Remember when she vanished for three days to Tahoe? I was freaking out back then, but she showed up on time to get back to the studio.”
“Jackass hadn’t crushed her heart that time.” DJ pulled out his phone and pushed the speed dial for Lauren’s cell. It rang and went to voice mail. Stevie followed suit, sending a text, and then calling her number. The text disappeared into the ether, and his call also went to voice mail.
“Shite. Voice mail for me, too.” Stevie stuffed his phone in his back pocket.
Oh, dear God, please let her be okay.Augie locked his hands behind his head and took a deep breath. It was a vain attempt to calm his racing heart. “Come on, we have to find her.”
