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But Maddox knew me like no one else, and I couldn’t help the anticipation.
He had me sit on my bed, and then he went into my closet and removed a large gift. It was roughly a two-by-two-foot square but only a few inches wide and wrapped in brown packing paper. My name was carefully written on a tag at the top. He set it into my grip, but my gaze was still locked on him.
“What is this?”
He gestured self-consciously to the gift. “Open it.”
I bit my lip and did as he’d suggested, ripping the paper and revealing the gift hidden within. When the paper fluttered to the ground, I stared down at myself. A gasp escaped my lips. It was a portrait drawn in charcoal. My features carefully put on paper. My chin tilted up. My gaze shifted slightly to the left, as if looking out toward the stars. The sharp line of my jaw, strong neck, cut collarbones. My hair as dark as pitch and cascading down one shoulder.
My throat closed as I looked down at the picture that was of me and yet not of me at all. This woman was strong. She was powerful. She was on top of the world. The world was her kingdom, and no one could come near to topple her. But it certainly wasn’t me. It was the person I wanted to be.
My eyes locked on the small signature at the bottom of the wood-framed portrait—M. Nelson.
“You drew this?” I gasped.
He shot me a worried half-smile. “Yeah. But … you know … if you don’t like it …”
“Like it? Maddox, it’s incredible. You drew this for me?”
“I mean, yeah. I didn’t know what to get you. So, I decided to draw you. The way I see you. The way you talk about your dreams.”
Tears glistened in my eyes as I stared up at this incredible man and then down at the portrait. “My dreams?”
“When you talk about what you want to do with your life. You always say that you want to be this big, bold, serious female director. You want to make important films. Films full of the joy and grief of womanhood. That you refuse to be kept out of the conversation just because it has always been a man’s world, a man’s business. I took those dreams and drew them on the woman that I love.”
I gasped softly. “Love?”
His hand came to my jaw, and he pressed a kiss on my lips. “Josie, I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, but the last couple months have been incredible. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. And you don’t have to say it back,” he said quickly, as if he were scaring me off. “But I couldn’t hold back how I felt. I want to be there to see you achieve all your big dreams. I want to stand at your side while we take over the world together.”
“Shh,” I said, pressing a finger to his lips to stop his frantic ramble. “I love you too.”
I’d never said those words to anyone before. Not even my parents. We weren’t exactly a friendly family like that. Of course, I’d said it to my girlfriends, but that was different. This meant something. And it meant as much to me as it did to Maddox.
“You do?”
“I do,” I confirmed. “And I love the birthday present.” I hugged it to myself. “You can’t take it back or get me anything else. It couldn’t be more perfect.”
He beamed. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Love it,” I corrected, putting the portrait on my nightstand. “And you.”
Then I kissed him, and we sank back into the bed, where we didn’t surface for hours.
15
SCAD
OCTOBER 30, 2010
The audience golf-clapped as the credits rolled.
My face flamed red, and I prayed it wasn’t visible beneath the layers of makeup. My hands were clasped behind my back in the sensible black dress I’d purchased for the evening. My feet encased in thousand-dollar shoes that I’d put on my mother’s card as a business expense. Not that she’d even noticed. I’d even gotten a blowout for my long black tresses.
And all I felt was humiliation as a pit opened in my stomach and I dropped into it. My film professor said a few words to me as the crowd filed briskly out of the theater. I barely heard what he said. The condescending tone that he’d been using with me all semester hit a fever pitch. I wanted to scream into his face and tell him that his misogynistic good old boys club was bullshit and I didn’t want his fucking approval.
It was a lie, of course. I craved approval from everyone around me. Especially the aging dinosaurs that acted as my film profs. Still, none of it changed what had happened here tonight.
“We can discuss this more on Monday, Josephine,” the man said.
