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He’s made me this way.
Before I have a chance to react, Julian jumps in, most likely having seen the wrath brewing under my surface. “You took a hard fall, and I’m exhausted, Marina. This week has been torture in so many ways.” He grabs my hands in his, squeezing. “Being away from you was the worst of all.” That admission has my shoulders relaxing a bit. “I just want to hold you. I need to know you’re better. That you’re safe. We don’t need to rush this. You know I love you.”
His words do soothe my soul enough for me to offer a forced smile. I understand what he’s saying, but I hate it nonetheless. My body has recovered. Shante said as much. The only issue I have is the growing sense of unease caused solely by his current state of mind. I want to press, but it’s as though Julian has erected his own wall, keeping me on the other side.
He lies back, relaxing against the headboard and pulling me into his side once more, not saying another word. Even with him right beside me, I’ve never felt so far from him.
I am deep in my own thoughts for several minutes, trying to make sense of this obvious space between us, when he speaks again.
“Tomorrow we leave to go back to my father’s estate. I’ve been working to put up safety precautions. You’ll be safe there.”
“Safety precautions?” I press, needing more information. I don’t feel confident that I’ll be safe anywhere as long as Marcellus is out running around.
“Madame Shante came to the estate with a few of her coven sisters. They put wards up all around. Marcellus is strong, but not that strong. He won’t get through unless I want him to.”
I sigh heavily. “Where’s Shannon?” I ask, the topic of Marcellus reminding me that my friend was supposedly with Julian. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself that I haven’t bothered to inquire about her whereabouts.
“She’s safe.” He stiffens. Frustration radiates from him and I don’t know how to act. “Can we talk about anything else?” he says roughly. “I don’t want to discuss Shannon, Marcellus, the Council or any part of Law’s party.”
He sounds exhausted and determined to end this topic, but I can’t help but surge forward. She’s my friend and an update is the least he can provide.
“What are you hiding, Julian?”
“Marina. Enough,” he shouts, and I jump out of his arms, eyes wide and hands shaking at the violence in his tone.
I don’t think Julian would ever hurt me, but I’ve not pushed his buttons to find out.Well... not in a while.
“You need to go,” I say, pointing toward the door. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this Julian”—I point toward him—“scares me.”
“Marina, I’m... sorry.” His pained expression indicates he knows he messed up. He reaches for me, but I back up, not ready for his touch.
“Sorry isn’t good enough, Julian. I can tell you’re struggling, but I am too. Don’t forget that I was the one stolen from my life, and I don’t just mean the auction. It was stolen from me years ago by your kind.”
He flinches, and as much as I realize my words were harsh, I don’t retract them. It’s the truth and it’s time I start living it. Trying to pretend isn’t helping. Where did the fight go? I wasn’t always so weak. This new Marina I’ve settled into isn’t the girl I want to be.
“After what happened, can you not see how hard this has been for me?” Julian’s eyes beseech me to hear him out. “I had to leave you when you were hurt. It killed me.”
“Then why did you do it?” I yell.
“Because I had to, Marina. Things are spiraling out of control with the new bites. We’re not ready for a war.”
“Take me with you, Julian. Make me a part of things. I can help.”
“You can’t. Not in this condition. You’re not prepared to deal with new bites.”
I scoff. “You constantly underestimate me, Julian, and I’m tired of it.”
He takes a deep breath and when he lets it out, the anger from before melts away to exhaustion. “I’ve been on edge and miserable the past few days, and all I wanted was to come home to be with you.”
Everything inside of me begs to get closer to him, to stop the fighting and just melt into his embrace. But giving in every time will only lead to him continuing to coddle me. I want to be his partner, not his ward.
“So be with me. Stop pushing me away,” I cry.
He pulls me back into his firm chest, smoothing my errant hairs behind my ear. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs into the top of my head. “So sorry.”
His words pacify me momentarily, even if they aren’t enough. Right now, I’ll take any indication that we’re on the same page, because his body language and actions tonight have given me every other signal.
“I’m doing what I can,” he says.
