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“It is for me.” I swallowed hard, turning around to look at him dead on, get right up in his face so he heard me. “It doesn’t matter how I dress or where I live, that’s always going to be where I’m from. Physically, mentally, it’ll always be who I am. I know it’s not normal, not the way things are supposed to be normal, but it’s never going to be a big deal. I’m not going to scream and cry and be shocked, it’s too late for me to feel those things, it’s all part of me now. But somebodystoppingit, somebodyshowing up, sticking up for me,that’snot normal. What you did… nobody’s ever done that for me.”
He reached out, hesitating like I might flinch, like I’d never been roughed up before, like the trauma was right on top, but it had already settled in, become part of my DNA, and when he took my chin in his hand and tilted my head back, I sighed, so content I wanted to cry.
“I willalwaysshow up for you,” he told me hoarsely.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down close, kissing him softly, letting him know I was okay, then a little firmer, letting him know I was more than okay. That in a fucked up way, what looked like an absolute shit show had been one of the high points of my life.
There was too much going on in my head to try and make that clear, but I was working on settling it down, and his strong arms were helping. His soft eyes were helping. Thinking about him busting in and cleaning house, serving up vicious threats like candy, that was definitely helping. Jesus, just the way he looked would scare most people off, but add in shit like that and no one was ever going to touch me again as long as I was his.
“You just walked right in and threw that guy across the fucking room,” I said, still not quite believing it, that someone would do that kind of thing for me, rescue me that way, like a goddamn movie. “That shit you said… what did that even mean?”
He laughed, a shaky, broken sound. “Mean’s my dad’s a lawyer and I know how to sound scary. But it’s fucking true. About finding dirt. About ruining them. We don’t talk much, but if I ask him to go after somebody, he will. And he’ll fucking love doing it, he’s that kinda guy. We could... I could call him right now. They should be in jail, Logan. Do you wanna file a police report? A restraining order? We can get it done quick.”
I snorted. He might have some high-powered lawyer dad, but he was still so fucking innocent. “Jesus. No. I just wanna forget… all of this. She’s moving in with him… wherever that is. By the club. An hour away from here. She wants to never see me again, she wants to pretend I don’t exist, that’s what I want too. I just want that part of my life to be over.”
“She’s dangerous, though, Logan.”
“Yeah. She’s always been dangerous, she’ll alwaysbedangerous. You know where restraining orders work? In the minds of people who’ve never seen a restraining order in action. It’s a piece of paper. Doesn’t stop anything. It just makes you a bigger target than you were. Trust me. When it comes to the real fucking world, I know what I’m talking about. You scare people to death, that’s how you keep them away. You did that. And you stay away, let them forget about you. I can do that. It’s over.”
I thought he was going to give me a lecture on the law or something, but instead, he bent down and pulled my shorts off, tapping me on the thigh. “Get in the tub, baby.”
I climbed in, sinking down in the water, and sighed. Sighing again when he sat down on the edge, just like I’d wanted him to that first day he’d brought me home with him, and started to scrub me gently with a washcloth. Across my shoulders, my chest, my neck, wiping off my cheeks and my forehead, careful like always around the spot at my hairline.
“It was a lamp,” I said quietly, and I guess I knew I was going to tell him eventually, but I didn’t know it was going to come out right then. But why not. What better time, really. I blinked my eyes open, and he was staring at me, and okay, I was wrong, there was some reaction left in my tank after all, because when his eyes watered, mine did too. “I said some dumb shit about Mike, about him selling dope to the neighbors or something. She didn’t want to hear it, and she picked it up and swung it at me. It bled a lot, and she screamed a lot. She really doesn’t like… me,” I finished, not really finding a better conclusion.
It wasn’t a great story. It was boring. It was normal. But now he knew. Now he knew a lot of things.
“I like you,” he told me, pushing wet fingers back through my hair, cleaning me, inspecting me, owning me with his hands and his eyes, taking me back.
“I know.”
“None of this is normal,” he said, like he could read my mind. “None of this is your fault.”
“I know,” I said again.
“Do you?”
I nodded.
“Why did you go back there?” he asked me, his voice jagged, sounding like broken glass. “What did she want? What did she say?”
I shrugged. “It’s not like that. She doesn’t do things for reasons. She does things… because she’s fucked up. Because she remembers all the sudden she has a kid and wants to fuck with him. Wants to boss him around, wants to get some attention, wants to get some free labor or money or have somebody to scream at.” I shrugged again. “I don’t know why she thought today was the day. She can always just tell when things are going good for me. She wanted… to ruin it, I guess. She wanted to yell. Make me feel bad. She wanted me to come back so she could kick me out herself. None of it makes sense. None of it ever makes sense. And she freaked out York and Coach T so bad they just told me to take her home. I figured… it would be worse if I didn’t.”
After awhile he nodded, but he didn’t look happy. At all. “I can understand that. I can’t understand why anyone would think you should have gone home with her, but I understand why you thought you should. But you can’t ever go back there, Logan. No matter what she says. No matter what anyone says.”
“Won’t be anything to go back to.”
“That’s not the answer I want.Promise me,”he said roughly.
“I promise. I’ll never go back there. I’ll never go anywhere with her. I’ll stay with you.”
“I’m gonna need you with me all the time. If you’re not at school or at practice, you’re with me. You don’t leave my sight. No exceptions.”
I nodded. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more.
He sighed, and I knew this wasn’t close to over, that he was going to be growling and pawing at anyone who came near me for… maybe forever. I could deal with that.
“Tip your head back,” he told me. “Let me wash your hair.”
