AllFreeNovel
Share Us
BJ looks at me and then at River, who unpauses the game.
I expect River to shit a brick about Lavender bringing some guy up to her room. Because there is no way they’re going up there just to study. She is way out of his league, and I’m 100 percent sure he knows it.
I look at BJ. He raises an eyebrow. I bite my tongue. I can’t say anything, or I’ll make myself completely transparent.
He finally does me a solid—although I’m not sure he realizes that’s what he’s doing—and asks the question I can’t. “Uh, River?”
“What?” River mows down a hoard of zombies.
“You’re cool with that?”
“Cool with what?” He blows up an entire warehouse full of zombies. “Fuck, yeah.”
“That.” BJ points to the stairs.
River doesn’t take his eyes off the screen. “That what?”
“Lavender. That guy?”
“She’s nineteen years old. She can bring a guy up to her room if she wants. Besides, they’re studying.” Another hoard of zombies comes piling out of a doorway and takes his player down. He tosses the controller back to me. “She’s her own person. She always has been. I’m going for a run. I can’t stand the stench of desperation in here.” He pushes up out of the chair and heads for the front door. A few seconds later, it opens and closes with a slam.
I grip the controller and stare at the TV, fighting to remain calm. Why now? Why all of a sudden is River okay with Lavender bringing a guy up to her room? Why am I suddenly a pane of glass that everyone can see through? That familiar feeling of being disassociated from my body takes over, and my knee starts to bounce.
“Fuck this.” I toss the controller aside and push up off the couch.
“What exactly are you going to do?” BJ asks, completely unrattled.
“Someone needs to deal with this.” I point to the ceiling. “And obviously you and River are useless.”
BJ raises one dark eyebrow. “I think you need to figure your shit out.”
“This isn’t about me.”
He huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “Really? ’Cause you’re losing it over the idea of someone you apparently can’t stand getting action. Look, man, I don’t know what the deal is with you and Lavender, or what happened between you to make things how they are, but you need to stop torturing her. This is not you, man. You are not this person.” He motions to me. “She doesn’t deserve whatever this is.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He throws his hands in the air. “You’re right. I don’t know. No one does because the two of you talk around shit and say nothing. What happened when you were kids? Better yet, what happened two years ago at Christmas? And why are you so determined to make her miserable? Hasn’t she already been through enough?”
I can’t answer any of those questions. Not with any kind of honesty. So I don’t. Instead, I turn around and head for the stairs.
“You’re such an idiot,” BJ grumbles, but he doesn’t stop me.
I pause outside my bedroom door. I should leave it alone. Leave Lavender alone. But I can’t stand the idea of her up there with that guy. If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone else to have her either. And that’s really what it comes down to.
I made it this way. It’s my fault.
I move toward the stairs leading up to Lavender’s bedroom. Her ivory tower. The untouchable princess. I take the stairs slowly, avoiding the ones that creak. Because I’ve come up here so many times since I moved in—sat outside the door, wanting to tell her the truth. Listened to the sound of her sewing machine humming, her soft voice when she sings her favorite songs.
It’s almost a travesty that so few people know what a beautiful voice she has. Almost. But I like that I still know so many of the pieces of herself she keeps hidden.
When she moved into the dorms, I broke down again and picked the lock so I could marinate in my own misery like I deserved.
I wrap my hand around the doorknob and press my forehead against the wood. The familiar scent of lavender permeates through. She’s always searching for the calm that’s so hard to find and hold on to, despite her name.
Her soft laugh makes my heart ache.
God. When was the last time I heard that sound?
