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Fuck, I just have to get home, get a shower, and get some sleep. It’s a miracle when I pull into the clubhouse. My eyes keep closing no matter how hard I try to hold them open.
“Tree!” Pres snaps from Chapel when I pass by. “Get cleaned up before Nell sees you.”
“Shit,” I mumble. “Nell. She’s still here?”
Pres’s jaw clenches. “You’ve been gone for two days, not two years, dumbass.”
“Yeah. Alright.” I make it up the stairs and into my room, locking the door behind me. I throw my cut on the bed and try to remember what the fuck I’ve been doing for the past two days.
I hate the way my face feels under my hands. It’s not right. I blink at the mirror and pick up a pair of scissors, chopping my beard shorter in big chunks before grabbing my razor and shaving off what’s left. I haven’t seen my face clean-shaven since the morning of the day Layla died. Shaving lost all importance when I didn’t have to worry about tickling her face with my mustache during kisses.
Holy shit I look bad. The beard was apparently hiding a lot of damage, because now I look like a… a drug addict. Iama drug addict. “I am… a drug addict,” I tell the mirror. “I’m a drug addict.”
I’ll shower, change, eat some food, crash, and when I wake up I’ll start figuring out how to change my life. I can’t do this anymore.
I need drugs. Life without drugs? A nightmare. There is so much pain and grief in the world. And fucking memories assault me every minute like arrows to the legs.
“We should get married, Lay.” We’re laying in the bed of my truck watching the clouds pass by.
She giggles and I can see her biting her lip and her nose scrunching up without even looking at her. She’s a part of me. I know her as well as I know myself. “We aren’t old enough.”
“Not today, but we will be soon. We should get married.” I’ll be eighteen in a few months, and she’ll be eighteen in another year. It’s not that far away.
“You would really marry me? You would put up with me for the rest of your life? You’re willing to chain yourself to me, even though I never shut up and I have crazy ideas and I change my mind all the time?”
“Those are some of my favorite things about you. Say you’ll marry me, Layla. Tell me that when you turn eighteen you’ll promise to love me forever.”
She rolls over and puts her chin on her hands over my chest. “I can promise you now, Knox Berry, that I will love you forever. I will love you until my life ends, and then I’ll go on loving you some more. Promise me you won’t join that motorcycle club and find another woman to fall in love with.”
“Never, baby. You’re the only one I’ll ever love. You’re the only woman I’ll ever kiss.” I flick my tongue against the seam of her lips and she smiles at me. “The only woman I’ll ever touch. I promise, Layla Reed, that I’ll love you forever. And I’ll build you a house!” I shout to the sky.
“A house, you say?”
“A house, Layla. I’m going to build you a house.”
Her eyebrows raise. “With your bare hands?”
“Well, maybe not like that, but I’ll find a way. You tell me what your dream house looks like, and I’ll build you the fuckin’ thing.”
Well, I built her the fucking house, and now there’s no one left to live in it.
Drugs drugs drugs.
The chant in my brain finally breaks through, and I drop to my knees in front of my nightstand. I press out a line and inhale through the straw. A knock at the door makes me nervous and I push everything into the nightstand drawer to hide it. I stand up and step into the bathroom to make sure I wipe all the powder off my face. I lick the remnants from my fingers and then dry my hand on my pants as I open the door to my bedroom. “Nell.”
“Holy shit! Who are you?” She touches my jaw and turns my face side to side. “You shaved?”
“Yeah. I was tired of the beard. What do you need?” Frustration peals through me at the idea of her seeing me this way. I look like I have one foot in the grave. I do, but I don’t want Nell to see that.
“Uh, I know I could go with one of the girls but I wanted to see if I could get a ride with you to the place I’m supposed to be working? I just would feel better seeing a familiar face before my first day.”
I have scars on almost half of my body from the last time I did one line and thought I would be okay to operate a vehicle, and I could never put Nell in danger that way. “Yeah. I’ll let you drive the truck.”
“Really? Your truck?” Her face lights up with a beautiful grin at my nod. “That’s so awesome! I’ve always wanted to drive your truck! Well come on, hurry up!”
I am so ridiculously fucking wired. My legs are wiggling and my hands are tingling. I should’ve told her no, but I couldn’t. I don't think I can remember a time in the past eleven years I told her or her sister no. I just don't do it.
Nell gets into the driver's seat with a big smile on her face. She has loved this truck since I got it when I turned sixteen. As she pulls us onto the road, I ask, "Has everything been going okay so far?"
