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A sad story, truly. "Yeah, that piece of shit death trap you let her drive around in?"
"What? You-you know Nell?"
"Yeah. I know Nell."
He jumps up, lunging towards me, and I slam the butt of my gun against his head. When he falls, I tuck it back into the holster. I can't fire a gun here without it becoming a spectator event.
I drop on top of him, lifting him up by the collar of his stained t-shirt and punching the left side of his face until my fist is coated in blood and his collar has ripped down the rest of the shirt. I aim for his ribs, but two arms wrap around me from behind, holding me so I can't move.
I fight to wriggle loose, but then I see her- Nell, standing in the doorway, one arm crossed over her chest to hold her other elbow. She's trembling from her ankles to her wet eyelashes, dripping tears down her cheeks. My intention was to make her less afraid, and I think I did the opposite.
I shove away from the floor where I was tackled by Zed, and meet Nell in the doorway. My bloody hands cup her perfect cheeks, checking her over before I tug her closer. I cradle the back of her head to my chest and lean my chin down on her. "I'm so sorry, Nell. I thought I was going to make it better. I thought I would-"
"Stop running your fucking trap and get outta here before the cops come!" Pres shouts at me from outside the trailer. Knuckles is sitting right beside him on his motorcycle. They brought an entire crew.
I look over at Zed, still sitting on the floor, to apologize but he just waves me off. "He deserved it," he says. "Assholes like this deserve to get their ass kicked."
"Don't make me drag you out of here," Pres growls.
"Come on. Let's go.” My hands spin Nell around and I urge her forward with my bloody hand over her shoulder. “You can ride with Pres."
Nell stops, distancing herself from me. "Are you high?"
"What? You just flushed my stash." I sure wish she hadn’t though. I’d love to be high right now. My right hand is aching.
"Okay then. I'm riding with you."
I open my mouth to argue, or to ask her if she's sure. I mean, maybe she's in shock. She can't possibly want to ride with me after what I just did, what she just saw. I met violence with violence, which isn't unusual for me but probably scared her even more. I close my mouth without saying a word.
When we return to the club house, Nell is glued to my back. Her arms are squeezing me tight and her head is leaning against my back. I park slowly, holding the bike up to wait for her to relax. I know I scared her. I wish I hadn't. I don't know what to say to her now.
I had so much pent up anger that I've carried with me for months. David seemed like the perfect outlet for my rage, and it worked. I let so much of it out that I almost feel peace now, if it wasn't for Nell. "I fucked this up, and I'm so sorry. I never meant to scare you. If I had thought for a second it would-"
"I'm not afraid of you, Knox." She swings her leg over the bike and leaves me behind, going into the clubhouse like she's lived here her whole life.
I stand there for a while, fighting with the demon in my head that says I should go out and score some more coke. I know now isn't the right time to let Nell down again. I know that she's right- Layla wouldn't want to see me like this.
But there's a voice in my head that tells me I've already disappointed her, so why not keep going. She's probably inside packing her stuff to leave right now because I failed, because I'm so fucking stupid and I can't do anything right. The voice says I'm going to fail at this too, that I'm going to do coke again anyway whether it's right now or some other time in the future, so why not now?
It's better if she sees how broken, how fucked-up and worthless I am now so she can get out and save herself from my downward spiral. I'm not good for anyone, not even myself. Hell, I can't even control my urges when it comes to beating someone up. Who would be so stupid to think I could keep from tearing myself apart?
The roar of Knuckles' bike draws my attention from the war inside me. He's pretty upset too, if his speed is any indication. He parks his bike and jumps off, coming at me so fast I almost fall off mine trying to get away. He yanks his helmet off and chucks it at me, hitting me in the chest as I walk backwards.
"You stupid motherfucker! You decide to take off like that and don't tell anybody? You walked into a fucking warzone with one gun, all alone to beat up on some kid? Did it make you feel better?" His first punch catches me off guard, landing square on my cheek bone. I block the second and catch the third with my other cheek.
Knuckles' chest heaves as he glares at me, following me as I take the coward's way out. "You scared that girl half to death just walking out the door, and we find you doing something so fucking dumb! You think that doesn't cut her like a knife? She lost her sister to someone driving under the influence-"
"She was mywife!" I scream back. Knuckles has finally pushed the right button and I'm advancing closer to him now. "Layla was her sister and mywife, goddammit! I didn't kill anyone!"
"You almost killed that kid back there and for what? Who was he?"
"A piece of shit! That's what he is. He'd be a dead son of a bitch, too, if you hadn't stopped me!" I should have killed David, and I might kill Knuckles if he keeps coming at me the way he is.
"Somebody has to! You're losing fucking control. You've gone completely insane. I have half a mind to handcuff you to your bed so you can't start any more shit!"
I spread my arms wide as I get closer to his face. "Try me, motherfucker!"
Knuckles rears back and slams his forehead against my nose, and stars swim in my eyes before everything goes black.
