AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Dad’s hands shoot up in surrender. “Layla said she kicked Knox out of the house and they were going to get divorced. She told me that I was right and he couldn’t give her what she wanted and she wanted help. She wanted me to pay for IVF treatments so she could get pregnant.”
“What? With a sperm donor?”
Dad shakes his head. “No. She was going to talk Knox into donating his.”
“What the fuck are you saying?” The wind has been knocked out of my lungs. “She left him and wanted you to pay for her to get pregnant with his baby? I don’t understand.”
“Layla loved Knox. I don’t really understand it either, kid. She wanted to have a baby with him, but she couldn’t do it herself, and it seemed like things were going badly between them. I told her no, and she never talked to me again. I don’t know if they reconnected or what. I’m assuming you’ve been talking to him, so… you should know.”
He couldn't have hurt me more if he’d punched me in the gut. I know my sister well enough to know what he’s telling me, what that means. I’m going to be sick. “Go back in your perfect house, you bastard. You’re still dead to me.” I stumble back to the car feeling like once again everything I thought I knew has been pulled out from under me. I have to get to Knox. I have to tell him.
Knox
“Hello, everyone, my name’s Knox. I’m a cocaine addict in recovery,” I grumble at the podium. I hate this stupid shit. I chose to come to these meetings. I’m not sure they work, but it felt like something Nell would want me to do. She would want me to come purge my guts and feel my feelings in front of people to keep me sober.
Do I want to be sober? No. I want to be so high that I find Johnny Cash and all the rockstars from the ‘70s. Sober= feelings. Feelings= pain. I don’t like pain. I’m not a fucking masochist. I want to be high, but I can’t get high, because I keep convincing myself Nell is going to come back any moment and if I’m high, she’s going to run the other way as soon as she sees me.
I want Nell to come back, and I want her to stay, so I’m going to be sober if she ever does. I haven’t been answering her phone calls because I’m afraid she’s trying to say goodbye, and I want her to have to come see me to do that. I want her to look in my eyes and tell me she’s done with me. I don’twantthat, but I want her to grow up and stop hiding behind a damn screen all the time instead of facing her own feelings the way she forced me to feel mine.
The passion behind my speech has left me. I roll my eyes as I recite the bullet points. “Kid died. Wife died. Got addicted. Got sober. My girl left me. Now I’m sober and alone. Fuck this.” I stomp away from the podium, leaving all the other sober, suffering fuckers behind me.
There’s a dealer that hangs around outside this place every time I come to these meetings. At least he knows his customer base, right? I’ve got twenty dollars in my pocket. It’ll have to be enough. If it’s not, I’ll just kick his ass and steal it from him. He’s like sixteen. He’s not going to fight me back.
Apathy is the opposite of a drug. It’s actually quite draining to uphold and it leaves me more exhausted, angry, and empty than anything else I’ve ever experienced. The dealer, as I expected, is right outside the door. I stop and watch him, feeling my stomach churn. Nah, he’s getting his ass kicked.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask him, looking around to see if there’s any other reason he could be here.
“You want somethin’? I saw you come out of that meeting. Whatchu like?”
My upper lip curls and I smash my forehead against his. I wrap my hand around the front of his throat before he falls and swing a punch against the side of his head. “You piece of-”
“Knox! Stop!”
Now I’m hallucinating Nell. These women won’t leave me alone for a second. I cock my fist back, but a hand wraps around my wrist and blue eyes stare up at me.
“You’re beating this kid up for drugs?”
I stare at her as my face droops, sadness washing over me, even as the stupid kid still hangs from my other hand. He's slumped against the wall only staying upright because of my hand around his neck. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Pres said I could find you here, but you’re trying to kill this kid for drugs. I knew Maya was lying. You’re using again.”
I shake my head, watching her. “No, I’m not. I’m beating this kid up forsellingdrugs, outside of a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.” I point at the sign behind her. “I’m sober, Nellie. So what the hell are you doing here? Did you finally get the balls to come tell me you’re leaving too?”
Her eyes fill with tears in a split second and that’s all the warning I get before Nell is collapsing on the sidewalk outside a church. She hits her knees wailing, and I close my eyes. It’s time to be here for Nell again. One of the Reed sisters needs me, and who am I to say no. I scoop her up from the concrete and she wraps her legs around my waist, crying into my neck as I carry her to the truck.
Apart from the weeping woman, the ride out to the desert is mostly silent. I park in the sand and shut the truck off, waiting for her to pull herself together and tell me what the fuck is going on. I learned my lesson about pushing too fast, too hard, before the time is right. I will be doing no pushing. I’m simply going to wait. On pins and needles.
Chapter Twenty-four
Nell
Knox is patient. He waits quietly as I gather myself. I hadn't intended to see him and fall to pieces, but the way he looked at me severed the remaining strings I had tied all the broken parts of myself back together with. He's sober, and he looks good. He looks strong and confident, even with a goose egg forming between his eyebrows and blood dripping down his fingers.
I've missed him so much that being near him hurts. I'm going to break everything all over again, but he has to know the truth, or at least what I believe is the truth. I watch my hands until the shaking stops and my breath is mostly normal again. "I have to tell you something," I whisper, because if I speak too loudly I'm going to scare myself back into crying.
"I'm listening."
"It's going to break your heart."
