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“You were so mad at me,” Knox says with a laugh.
“No.” I shake my head. “I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad that you and Lay were moving on without me and I was being completely forgotten. It felt like you two were getting everything you ever wanted and I was getting left behind. I thought Layla was just going to let you sweep her off her feet and you were both disappearing from me.”
“She would never have left you, Nell. I wouldn’t have either.”
“She didn’t leave you either-”
“She did. Whether she had good intentions or not, she did leave me. She let me suffer that heartbreak all alone. I know she was hurting, and I can’t say I don’t understand why she did what she did, but it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. And she can’t come back, so I’m not going to spend more time thinking about everything she ever did. She’s gone, Nellie. I let go. I’ve made my peace with it. You should too.”
I roll over and rest my head on his chest. “I wanted you to know what happened. It felt important to me.”
“It is important. I’m glad you figured it out. I’m glad you told me.” He kisses the top of my head. “I appreciate all of the work you put into it, but it can’t change anything. That information is for us to find peace, but we have to let her find hers. We have to let her rest.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out. “A few months ago you were losing your mind about it. How did you heal so fast?”
“I had a lot of empty time. You handcuffed me to my bed, sat next to me, and completely ignored me for months to type on your damn computer. I had to do something. And actually…” He shifts us so that he has me pinned on my back while he hovers over me. “What the hell have you been doing on that thing all this time? What is it that you type all day long?”
“It’s stupid.”
“Good. I’d love to hear it. I love your stupid ideas.”
I roll my eyes, but I do appreciate the sentiment, even if I can’t move my arms because he has them trapped in his hands. “At first it was stuff I had to do. Changing information around to make sure I had control of my own life. Then I was doing research about how to help you through withdrawals and keep you sober. I found a lot of really good information, but I was struggling to find, like, firsthand accounts. So, I decided to make my own.
“I wrote down everything. Every nightmare, every time you got confused- I just documented it all. Then I decided maybe it would help someone else, so I started posting it online. I changed your name and stuff so no one would recognize you. I even talked about Layla some, about who she was and how much I love her. I wrote about the two of you, and the three of us, my dad and my ex, and… everything. I wrote everything. And…” I shrug, or try. “It turned out that it helped me a lot, even if it never helps anyone else.
“Getting it all off my chest, seeing it written out like that, it made everything clearer. It helped me understand.”
Knox’s mouth presses to mine softly. “Did you make peace with it then?”
“Yeah, I think I did, right about the time you told me you still wanted me even after I left. Your healing helped me along. I think I needed to see you able to return to some sense of normalcy before I could really believe that kind of healing was possible.”
He strokes his hands down my arms until he gets to my ribs. He plants his hands on either side of me and levers himself up. “Good. Will you read me some of what you wrote?”
I gulp, staring at him with wide eyes. “Are you sure? I wasn’t… nice.”
Knox’s face splits into a grin and he shakes his head. “You never are.”
My hand pushes against his chest. “I’m nice! Sometimes.”
“Very rarely, but it’s okay. I can take it. Lay it on me.” He puts his hands on the back of his head and lays down again.
With a deep breath, I pull my phone out and click on the internet. I’m nervous, and it takes me a few minutes to find what I want to share with him, but I decide to go with the first thing I shared publicly.
My sister was a perfect woman, a perfect sister, and a perfect wife. Her husband is perfect too. Well, he was before my sister died, leaving behind this broken shell of a man. I’ve known him most of my life, and I’ve never seen someone so grief-stricken. I don’t think he’s going to survive this.
He’s skin and bones- not at all like the strong man he used to be. He’s heartless and cold. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything. He has this long beard that makes him look like he lives in the wilderness somewhere instead of in the middle of New Mexico’s biggest city.
His addiction to cocaine is going to kill him, and I think that’s what he wants. He doesn’t have anything to live for anymore, and he’s all I have left. I need him to beat this, to come back to life, because he can’t leave me all alone. I’m going to do what it takes to bring him back, because I can’t bring my sister back.
My sister was like an angel, most of the time. She fell in love and loved hard. My dad hates my brother in law, and has since the moment he met him. My sister chose her high school sweetheart over our dad, but I would have too if I’d had the same choice.
I owe it to him to save him, because he spent years saving my sister and me. He would do anything for her. The same for me by extension, and I’m going to put my heart and soul into returning him to his former self, because if he kills himself, then I’ll truly be all alone in the world.
He and I both deserve better than the hands we’ve been dealt, and together, we’ll figure out a way to beat this game. He’s going to survive, and we’re both going to be fine. I know it. I can’t accept anything less.
Knox kisses my cheek and pushes my phone out of my hand. “Look up, Nellie. Look at all the stars in the sky, shining just for us.”
“Do you think someone else is looking at them right now?”
