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“Can Bean come back to my room, too?”
“Bean?” She leans forward and smirks. “I don’t judge. I’ve heard them all around here, but Bean’s a new one. Inspiration?”
I snicker. “No. That’s not her name. Just a nickname.”
“Ah, well, it’s cute.” Her smile turns serious. “But no, I’m sorry. Bean can’t come back to your room.”
“But–”
“She needs round the clock monitoring in the special care unit for the first seventy-two hours. After that, assuming she’s well, she can move in with you.”
“How many hours in are we now?”
“Ahm…” She checks her watch. “She was born roughly seven hours ago.”
I sigh, because sixty-five more hours is a long time, but at the same time, I’m glad I haven’t missed much. I haven’t been gone for long.
“Are you ready, pumpkin?” We pull up at another set of doors. Scanning a card at the screen, she sends my heart racing. We’re close. My baby is on the other side of those doors. “Don’t worry about the bruising on her face, okay?” My eyes snap to hers in question. “She’s fine, I promise. She’s just a little beat up from the forceps.”
“But she’s okay, right? Is she in pain?”
“She’s fine, I promise.”
“Bubs?”
Snapping my gaze back to the now open doors, Jimmy stands a dozen feet ahead of me with his giant chest hugging a tiny pink bundle of blankets as though she were the rarest gem in the history of the world.
“Jim.” I try to stand, but as though expecting it, the nurse’s hand comes down to my shoulder as she pushes us forward.
“Not yet, sweetie.”
He’s so tall and handsome. He holds my daughter so gently.
I don’t take my eyes from them as we roll closer, but like a cruel joke, the nurse turns us sharply away. “What–”
“You just need to wash your hands. I’ll help you, we’ll be quick, then you can go to your Beany baby.”
My eyes remain glued to my family. The nurse leads me away, washes my hands, dries them like I’m a child, and the whole time, my eyes remain on my beautiful family. Tears roll and plop onto my lips. But they’re not bad tears. They don’t hurt me. They’re just a much needed release.
“Alright, let’s go.” She pushes me back to the only people on this planet that I need for my own survival. Jim watches me closely, and for a second, I feel self-conscious. God knows how I look. If it’s even half as bad as I feel, I should be hiding.
But I don’t.
Because he’s smiling.
“Here we go, sweet.” With a tune on her breath, the nurse pushes me into Bean’s little glass nook, kicks on the wheelchair brakes, and stupidly, reaches to take Bean from Jim’s arms.
With a look that twenty years of being his best friend easily tells me means‘yeah fucking right, lady. Get lost,’Jim steps out of her reach. Instead, he brings the baby to me himself.
Squatting down low and smiling the smile I grew up knowing, he leans forward and brings Bean’s face close to mine. “We missed you, Mommy.”
Carefully, he passes her to me and doesn’t let go until she’s comfortable against my chest. Cords hang intimidatingly between us, but Jim’s smile makes it all better.
“I missed you guys so much.” I can’t look away from my baby. “She’s so beautiful.”
“Yes. She is.” He waits for my eyes to meet his. “She looks just like you, Iz. You’re both perfect.” He strokes a large finger along the bruising on her face. It looks so mean and painful. “I’m so proud of you.” Lifting his weight onto the balls of his feet, he moves closer. “And I love you both so much.”
I sigh when he presses his lips to mine. With a million cords and a million machines around us, with a torn up vagina and my baby’s face all bruised up, I still sigh. His kiss is soft and soothing and promises to never let me fall.
